HELP! OK to ask a woman discerning a vocation on a date?


I live in a city where there is a house where women live to focus on discerning a religious vocation. At various events outside mass, I keep crossing paths with one of them. Had I had the types of interactions with her that I have with other women who aren’t living in a house for discernment, I would have already asked her on a date. However, I haven’t done so, because it seems like that would be a failure on my part to respect the process of discernment in which she’s supposed to be engaged.

Am I being scrupulous here, or do others agree that asking out a woman who is in a discernment process is not OK?


It really all depends on where they’re at in their discernment or what kind of commitment they’ve already made as a result of living in this house. Is it part of a religious community, or is it just a place for like-minded women to gather and support each other in prayer? Do they receive any formation and engage in common prayer?

I would say that someone who is simply discerning, particularly in the early stages, is still free to date, depending on their comfort level with that. It’s something they should obviously take up with their spiritual director and consider in light of what stage in the process they might be in, but there wouldn’t be anything necessarily wrong with it. Nor would there be anything wrong with asking, but don’t be surprised if you’re turned down or if certain of them might find that makes them uncomfortable.



They are free to decline, no?
Ask if you want to.

I wouldn’t be so quick to think that I’d be ruining a vocation.
If she is committed she’ll gracefully decline.

If it gives you pause though, just agree to be good friends.




Wouldn’t it be part of her discerning? What’s to discern if there is no alternative?

I hope the people discerning vocations are capable of deep introspection.


I wouldn’t do it. No need to. Find someone that is not discerning. Why take a chance getting involved with someone that is clearly making a decision about what to do? I think you may only serve to cloud the water.

But that’s just me. :shrug:


Just be aware that if she agrees to date you, and then later determines she is indeed being called, you may get your heart broken. Agreeing to date you doesn’t mean she won’t discern a call.


If you like her, ask her. If she feels she shouldn’t date, she’ll respectfully say no.

Dating can be a part of the discernment process, so it’s not always a bad thing to date someone who is discerning.

EDIT: I also would consider her stage of discernment. If she is committed to religious life, it may not be wise to ask her. That would be like asking a seminarian out on a date!


As a discerning woman myself, if someone who knew I was discerning a religious vocation asked me out, I would be annoyed and decline. I had a roommate who also was discerning and got very annoyed when guys who knew she was discerning would ask her out. She found it very disrespectful.

Women who enter a discernment house do so in order to be able to discern God’s call with less worldly distractions.

Would you ask out a girl who was in another relationship with a guy, or would you move on to someone who was available?


Let her discern, meaning, back off until she makes it clear she’s done with her discernment. :stuck_out_tongue: If this woman turns out to have a Religious vocation, I think Jesus would be happy you didn’t try to take away his bride to be! :wink:


Bingo! That’s what I was trying to say! :thumbsup:


I feel the same way, I would have asked this one girl out if she wasn’t discerning religious life. I feel that asking her out would be disrespectful, it is like going out with a girl dating somebody else. It is okay to remain friends with her. keep her in your prayers asking God that he leads her to her vocation, and ask her to pray for you.




Instead of asking her out, why don’t you see if the two of you can become friends? A good friendship is a basis to any relationship and by offering friendship no matter where she is called at least the two of you will have a friendship that will continue into the future. She might appreciate a good guy friend at this point in her life. It’s hard to find a nice guy who is willing to support a girl in her vocation.


I would discourage this. Just leave her be to discern. If she becomes a nun, she’s not going to maintain any particular male friendships.


By the sounds of it, these are women who are not a part of a community (i.e. as a postulant). If that’s the case, I really don’t see any issue with it. :shrug:


Apparently some people can only discern one thing at a time.

God would be unhappy if “you took away his bride”??? What kind of god is that?

When one door is closed, God opens another.


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