HELP! re: dating and girls


#1

So I met a girl online and we’ve decided to make the move to talking on the phone. Anyway I’m curious how often I can call before I start coming-off as desperate. I’m not familiar with the particulars of calling girls you’re interested in so I’m not sure how to proceed.

I called her twice Sunday and she got back to me online saying she was busy and unfortunately couldn’t respond. I just called again now and am waiting to see what happens. I figure two days is a good amount of time to wait to call again. But how often can I call before it gets creepy?

Pax!


#2

I think calling once every few days would be reasonable. Twice in a day is certainly off-putting, unless you had a previously arranged "phone date". Personally, I would encourage you to actually schedule calls ahead of time so that you both set your expectations at a reasonable level.


#3

Bible gives us principles such as maintaining sexual purity until marriage and setting an example for others.In biblical times, there was no need for dating or having boy friend and girl friend. because the father made the decisions about who his son or daughter would marry.we have to be pure in our thought, words, actions, and attitudes.
The Bible views virginity as something to be given only to a spouse.Ref: Deuteronomy 22:13-30.
The first is that we must separate from the world’s view on dating/having boy friend /girlfriend because God’s way contradicts the world’s (2 Peter 2:20). While the world’s view may be to date around as much as we want.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Ephesians 5:3

Fathers were the ones to determine who their sons and daughters would marry, so men and women did not date different people until they found one that they wanted to marry. (Nehemiah 10:30.)

In today’s society, dating or having boyfriend and girlfriend used to be about getting to know members of the opposite sex to determine if that person would make a good spouse. As people are now dating at younger ages–long before they are ready for marriage–and giving their virginity to boyfriends and girlfriends rather than to husbands or wives, our society seems to have moved away from what God says about marriage and, by extension dating, in the Bible.
God tells us to be holy as He is holy. We are to be “perfect” as He is perfect (Matthew 5:48. John tells us that we should “purify” ourselves, even as the Lord Jesus Christ “is pure” (1 John 3:3). If you are a Christian, your goal today and every day is moral purity!
In,1 Peter 1:13-16 So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. 14 So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. 16 For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.
christianarticles.net/articledetail.php?artid=5352&catid=58&title=Dating+or+having++Boy+friend+and+Girlfriend+is+not+Biblical!


#4

[quote="sdtouchton, post:3, topic:194659"]
Bible gives us principles such as maintaining sexual purity until marriage and setting an example for others.In biblical times, there was no need for dating or having boy friend and girl friend. because the father made the decisions about who his son or daughter would marry.we have to be pure in our thought, words, actions, and attitudes.

[/quote]

I'm sorry, but I really don't know where this post was trying to go. Could you clarify further perhaps?

And I'd have to disagree on dating being bad (unless that wasn't your point, at which point I apologize) since I certainly wouldn't want an arranged marriage.


#5

There is no definite answer to this. It depends on your relationship, how she feels about you, the kinds of things you talk about.

The best way not to come off desperate is to let her know (in casual conversation) that you have a life and are successful. Don’t do this too heavily so it’s not obvious and you don’t come across as showing off. But if she has the impression that you’re someone who has many exciting things going in life, you’re unlikely to come across as desperate.

I would say, don’t call more than once without a response. If you call her once and there’s no response, don’t call again. Let her talk to you online. You can also use something like Skype to call through the computer when you’re talking online. The sound quality is better than phone anyway.


#6

Excitement is overrated, I say as someone who likes excitement. All this appreciation of alpha-ness instead of appreciation of actual leadership qualities, appreciation of exciting things going on as opposed to an interesting character and meaningful job… and so on. If I had to prove I had exciting things going in my life, I would see that as demeaning.

Yeah, print that out and stick it to the monitor. After one message that clearly requires or invites a reply, the ball is in her court.


#7

An interesting character can be exciting :slight_smile:

Probably depends on what you’re looking for too.


#8

Generally, I have no problem providing exciment or even sheer fun to my friends and this would definitely include a special lady on a very high place; however, in early romantic relations, a focus on excitement would basically mean that a combination of serotonin and adrenaline mattered more than my personality (I mean “personality” much in the sense of “personhood” too), as if I were an excitement dispenser.

Besides, in those relationships, in my view, it is important to notice, think about and acknowledge what is being given (what is being provided, offered), as opposed to merely stopping for a second to check if excitement level is enough or something else we’re expecting. This approach I’m talking about in the former part is one I try to take in any relationships. When I take a liking to a particular woman, it is, as the name suggests, some kind of interest and nascent attachment directed towards a particular person, with her very specific and unique traits and character, which, not detracting from the status as a person first of all, offer a unique experience. Merely focusing on whether I were receiving some levels of excitement, affirmation etc. and in the time, quantity and method I expected to get it, would be wasting that experience and closing myself to interaction with an actual person. I would risk saying there’d be little spiritual dimension to that kind of relationship.

Got any thoughts? I’d be interested in hearing your take on this.


#9

So you have called 3 times now and still haven’t gotten a response? I personally would not call anymore. On that 3rd time I would have left her a message and expressing that I want to talk and for her to give me a call back when she is free. If she doesn’t, especially after the 3 calls, then clearly you aren’t a priority and there is no sense bending over backwards to try to have a conversation with her.

If you do decide to call a 4th time and get no response from her or she doesn’t call you back afterwards, I am not sure I would pursue it any further.


#10

Yup.

(As a side comment, even if you do convince a woman to a relationship, if that’s how things go, you’ll basically have to put up with it forever unless she has a life-altering experience.)


#11

[quote="chevalier, post:10, topic:194659"]
Yup.

(As a side comment, even if you do convince a woman to a relationship, if that's how things go, you'll basically have to put up with it forever unless she has a life-altering experience.)

[/quote]

When you say "put up with it" you're referring to the possibility of being ignored?


#12

I think we understand “excitement” to mean different things. For me it’s about how my man would make me feel. Being an interesting person, having a good character would all play a part in that. It’s not disconnected.

Thinking about it, I would say the most important thing about a relationship for me would be how being in it would make me feel.


#13

Yes.

I think we understand it the same way, we differ in our of view of it, however. My point is that human beings and human qualities have objective value and a far greater scope than how they make a single beholder feel, especially in terms of sensations, although I suppose you don’t go that far.

Were I ever to be in a relationship again, I would like to be regarded and treated like a real person, somewhat as an ally, to use a metaphor, someone one shares a life with and also someone who has an existence and is a subject as well as we are, not just an object. I would be sad to be defined through excitement my presence or actions or efforts produced.


#14

See this seems to happen a lot. A girl expresses interest and then things implode. This girl in particular is very busy it seems so that’s why I’m willing to wait and give her a chance. But it would be nice if things worked in my favor romantically at least once…


#15

Having just been on the receiving end of being broken up, preceded by having been ignored by several prospective dates, I can empathize, not just sympathize, with this. However, we must remember that God will give true joy at the close of this age to those who perservere in faith and charity. My suggestion, based on my life’s experiences and as one who can empathize with you: do not pursue this relationship anymore. You’ll give yourself more heartaches many months or years from now. ***You’ll never have peace of mind if you keep doing this and she doesn’t respond. ***Trust me on this one. Pray constantly. Go to Mass daily if you can. Someday the Lord will send you the one whom He has prepared for you, if it be His will.

Paul R. Viola


#16

I have a problem with that kind of thing too. A girl shows interest, you reciprocate, her interest stops. However, interest is not a constant and it comes in degrees. It can change and it can be there but be insufficient to lead to a relationship. In such a case, one needs to let go, which is difficult.

Basically, I don’t know what’s wrong with women, but this mechanic is all too common (I’m talking about extremes, mild forms have always been there and are natural for everybody to some extent). I wish it were not there (or were contained to reasonable degrees and controlled by reason). But given that it is there, one needs to take it into account in “calculations” concerning one’s future and one needs to have a sober grasp of reality. If the interest is not there as a matter of fact, then it’s better not to have delusions, and to move on and find someone who will react in a normal enough way or who will be able to be worked on (everybody is a work in progress and some people can be worked on with good results).

People need to involve their reason and their will more. Even at the “dating” stage, things can’t be based on the momentary state of butterflies. Sure, there will be moments and there will be moods, but there’s a reason we have a judgement and a will, and receive education and formation. There must be some choosing and some mature act. Actions of a person playing in the field can’t be such a sinusoid as human sensations can be, there must be some reign of it by the person acting. Sorry for the jargon.

I’ll be praying for you and I hope the girl soon comes to her senses or you get the ability to move on.

The silent treatment, running away, the “now I’m here and now I’m not” are not acceptable behaviour and do not be deluded into thinking they are. However, they are common and no one is totally immune to such a tendency. Therefore you must be understanding if she comes to you and tries to talk like an adult person and get a grip of it. But if she’s lost in the game, then you can’t build a relationship with her. This does not mean she’s a bad person or a child in all areas of life, but it does mean she’s simply not ready for a relationship.

As a side note, avoid expecting too much from people you’re interested in. If you’re the initiating party, your interest will generally be higher and you can’t expect the other person to return all your interest immediately. Therefore it may happen that at this or that stage in life, you’re interested in a woman “that way”, whereas for her you might be a mere acquaintance, in which case she understandably won’t get out of her way much or give you a high priority. However, there are certain basic rules of politeness and certain aspects of kindness that oblige everybody and once she gets into more personal relations with you, the attention and priority must adjust accordingly. If not, then well, the relationship is a bit of a cold one.


#17

I would agree with that if I were forming an opinion about an individual. A relationship is so different though. A man could be a great guy in all those “objective” ways, but being with him might be really boring and attraction might not be there. I think that connection is what makes relationships work in the long run. If you’re not enjoying being with your partner, why would you be with them? Would it really matter what objective qualities they had?


#18

I’m still trying to let go of my friend romantically because she isn’t interested in me. I could use prayers here.

I’ll be praying for you and I hope the girl soon comes to her senses or you get the ability to move on.

Thank you, especially for the latter.

The silent treatment, running away, the “now I’m here and now I’m not” are not acceptable behaviour and do not be deluded into thinking they are.

See the sad reality is that I am so used to being treated poorly by others that I’m used to being ignored, mistreated, etc. and I don’t know that I have the ability to stop it. I’ve just learned to take the abuse.

However, they are common and no one is totally immune to such a tendency. Therefore you must be understanding if she comes to you and tries to talk like an adult person and get a grip of it. But if she’s lost in the game, then you can’t build a relationship with her. This does not mean she’s a bad person or a child in all areas of life, but it does mean she’s simply not ready for a relationship.

Again it seems she is busy. If she’s truly interested I won’t hold all this against her. And yet I feel compelled to keep trying with this girl (on my part) by trying to maintain regular consistent contact. What should I do?

As a side note, avoid expecting too much from people you’re interested in. If you’re the initiating party, your interest will generally be higher and you can’t expect the other person to return all your interest immediately.

I struggle with this a lot and it’s still a problem for me.

Therefore it may happen that at this or that stage in life, you’re interested in a woman “that way”, whereas for her you might be a mere acquaintance, in which case she understandably won’t get out of her way much or give you a high priority. However, there are certain basic rules of politeness and certain aspects of kindness that oblige everybody and once she gets into more personal relations with you, the attention and priority must adjust accordingly. If not, then well, the relationship is a bit of a cold one.

I’m probably guilty of this myself as I’ve had plenty of women check me out on Catholic Match only for me to lose interest and stop talking to them.

Oh and by the way, can you and FlyingFish try taking the conversation on excitement elsewhere? Just want to stay on topic :thumbsup:


#19

I also believe in connection, enjoying a relationship etc. My point here is that say, let’s imagine we’re in the head of a girl having a crush on a guy. Sure, it’s great he treats her like a princess etc. (if it is), but his being a gentleman would obviously have a much broader dimension than that and shouldn’t be reduced to what sensation she’s getting when being treated that way by him. We could apply this with some changes to intellectual or personality traits or virtues.


#20

All right.

See the sad reality is that I am so used to being treated poorly by others that I’m used to being ignored, mistreated, etc. and I don’t know that I have the ability to stop it. I’ve just learned to take the abuse.

Can’t say I’m free of that either.

Again it seems she is busy. If she’s truly interested I won’t hold all this against her. And yet I feel compelled to keep trying with this girl (on my part) by trying to maintain regular consistent contact. What should I do?

As one of my female friends said to me in connection with a recent relationship attempt, “text messages can be sent from the toilet.” Forgive the language, but she was making the point that there was no such thing as really objectively too busy as long as one cared. Imagine if she really were interested, would she behave the same way?

I struggle with this a lot and it’s still a problem for me.

Basically the point is to avoid projecting one’s interest on the other person who might not be feeling the same way. I’m not saying not reciprocating at all, but maybe not on the same page yet.

Oh and by the way, can you and FlyingFish try taking the conversation on excitement elsewhere? Just want to stay on topic :thumbsup:

I believe it has something to do with the general topic we’re discussing, but okay. Excitement or lack of it does connect with ignoring someone or showing interest. Yourself, you might be facing a different aspect of the same problem, particularly if the girl stopped being interested as much when you showed your interest in her.


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