Help through difficult times (very long)


#1

I have been a catholic all of my life and so when I got married (7 yars ago) I knew this was going to be a life long commitment. Early on in our marriage, we had problems and went to councelling. It was picked up then that my husband had a low self esteem.

Throughout the marriage we have had turmoils. I somehow always knew it would not be easy and knew God had a bigger plan and I must trust in Him.

We have 2 boys who are now 7 and 5.

There have been times when I felt so lost, and thought of separation. When things are wrong in a marriage, there are always two sides. I looked deeper and see what I could do to help the marriage. I changed and grew as a person because of it.

I know I became more controlling as time went by. I wonder if it was because he naturally did not take charge and I assumed the role. For things to get done, I would write notes, drop emails, or he would forget.

Once I had kids, I started to resent being the breadwinner and wanted to become a SAHM. That is about the time he started his own company. I thought I would be supportive and let him grow this company and maybe his confidence within himself might grow. I told myslf to be patient.

This year I have been lucky to work half my day from home. I can truly thank GOD because my child started his first year of school, and I can be there for him.

DH on the other hand, still has not really made the company work. It takes so much out of him, that there is not much left for us as a family. He makes efforts but he can only endure for a short time.

I still love him dearly but find it incredibly difficult to respeact him as a person. This is what I have prayered about for over a year. Allow me to accept my husband for who he is. I find myself becoming overwhelmed and I am so emotional at the moment.

My husband is tired of hurting me, so today he has left me.

I have posted this to hear responses and maybe I can gain some more insight into my life. My husband is not abusive (verbally he can be a bit), he is not an alcoholic or does drugs, but I feel like he is just another child in the family.

Please pray for my kids - they are the ones I worry about.

Ru


#2

I am so very sorry you are going through this.

I will pray for you, your husband and your children. :gopray2:


#3

Some of your difficulties sound SO similar to mine (except that we do not have kids yet, so I can only imagine how that must compound the situation).

Prayers for you and your family:gopray:


#4

Question - is your husband a practicing Catholic?


#5

He was also born and raised as a catholic. He went through a long period when he didn’t. But when we met he started practicing again. We go to Church every Sunday as a family. Who ever puts the children in bed says night time prayers.


#6

I think there is hope for your marriage - but your husband needs some counseling - and you as well. I feel sorry for him. I imagine he feels like a failure as a provider (company not doing well) and a failure as a husband (can’t make you happy.) That would be a very heavy load to carry, and especially for someone who has self-esteem issues. :frowning:

Again, as I said, I will pray for your family - and I hope your able to get some help. I think a good counselor would help you work out your problems together. Good marriages don’t just happen - they take LOTS of hard work, but the payoff is so worth it.


#7

I will definitely say a prayer for you guys.

A few years before my wife and I had kids we had grown apart. Through some difficult family times and work issues things were definitely difficult but neither of us had any major problems and we agreed to make the small changes that were necessary.

That was 7 years ago… isn’t there a saying about the 7th year being the most difficult? We have now been married almost 14 years and couldn’t be happier with 3 wonderful sons.

You guys do have some problems but I believe they can be corrected. Remember our vows, for better or worse. God wants families to stay together. Our society needs families to stay together to show so many others that it can be done.

Do not get me wrong, I’m not trying to make light of your situation. We didn’t have any of the major issues like alcoholicm, abuse, cheating or anything else but our problems could have still been a deal breaker.

However if you read this board I’m sure you will find many others in what I would consider more difficult situations than we had or you guys have. It sounds like your husband cares for you, you both love the kids and are practicing Catholics. Seek some spiritual guidence, pray together and try to find some time to get away (difficult with kids I KNOW :)) for just you guys. After being married this long things get stale, don’t let them. If you can renew your marraige together I’m sure you will be happy the rest of your lives!

Remember that no matter the situation, we choose how we are going to react, we have that power. We have to own our feelings, not matter what they are and with Christ’s help and Grace, we can overcome them. If your husband makes you sad, don’t let him. Focus on the good things about him and build him up, that will make a big difference on his self esteem. Again, it sounds like I’m putting all the pressure on you, I’m not. He will need to do the same thing but remember that marraige isn’t 50/50, it’s… well I would say 150/150. There are times when one of us must carry the larger burdon because there will be a time when we need to be carried as well. We can do anything through Christ our Savior. I believe that some counseling could help in that it could help him learn how to carry you as well and restore that balance.

Remember that life gives us crosses, Christ gives us the grace to overcome them.

In Christ,

Joe


#8

The fact that you are both practicing Catholics puts you if not on the same page, at LEAST in the same book.

That is a very good thing.

retrouvaille.org/

Catholic counselors, some good books on Catholic marriage (Three to Get Married by Sheen and The 5 Levels of Intimacy by Kelly are good starts).

www.foryourmarriage.org and www.exceptionalmarriages.com

With prayers and grace, you can heal what is broken!


#9

Remember that no matter the situation, we choose how we are going to react, we have that power. We have to own our feelings, not matter what they are and with Christ’s help and Grace, we can overcome them. If your husband makes you sad, don’t let him. Focus on the good things about him and build him up, that will make a big difference on his self esteem. Again, it sounds like I’m putting all the pressure on you, I’m not. He will need to do the same thing but remember that marraige isn’t 50/50, it’s… well I would say 150/150.

I must admit that I can say I have given my 150% on this. I have tried so hard to be loving and build his esteem - but the burden does get too much. And I do fall, then I do the opposite :shrug: . I am a very positive person but I can be emotional as well. Even when he said he was leaving I was trying to see what else we could try.

I am praying that the time away can be a healing time in some way. I have always stepped in at these times and given him what he needs. I know he understands that he has his failures, but doesn’t think the break up in the marriage can be sorted out by going to separate councellors. We have been seeing a councellor together for the last 10 months. It has not changed anything. We had stopped going and I was about to organise a councellor from the Church, but then this happens.

I joined the Family of God at our Church and was baptised in the Holy spirit last year, and this year again. I have been to a healing seminar as well.

I am truly trying to understand Gods path and will accept what He gives me.


#10

I want to thank you all for responding to my post so far.
God bless you.
Ru


#11

It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things, I pray that your husband will begin to recognize those efforts and that Christ will give you the Grace to stay strong.

Sincerely,
Joe


#12

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.