Help troubled marriage


#1

(SORRY, MY ALL CAPS BUTTON IS BROKEN IN LOCKED POSITION)

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 28 YEARS TO A VERBALLY ABUSIVE HUSBAND. HE HATES THE FACT I CONVERTED 14 YEARS AGO, QUIT TAKING BIRTH CONTROL AND HAD A 3RD CHILD ("MARY") AT AGE 40. ALTHOUGH OUR MARRIAGE WAS BLESSED IN THE CHURCH, HIS HEART WASN'T IN IT.

WE OWN A PHOTOGRAPHY BUSINESS TOGETHER. BECAUSE IT WAS TAKING OVER OUR HOUSE IN TOWN, 6 YEARS AGO WE DECIDED TO MOVE OUT TO OUR COUNTRY CABIN 30 MILES AWAY, AND KEEP THE CITY HOUSE FOR WORK. HOWEVER, "BOB" NEVER MOVED OUT. HE PROMISED OVER & OVER, BUT NEVER HAS FOLLOWED THROUGH. INSTEAD HE COMES TO VISIT US OCCASIONALLY. I STILL WORK WITH HIM IN OUR BUSINESS, ALTHOUGH MUCH OF THE WORK I CAN DO AT OUR COUNTRY CABIN. I THOUGHT OF MOVING BACK, BUT NOW THE CITY HOUSE IS UNINHABITABLE DUE TO COMPUTERS, LAB EQUIPMENT AND CHEMICALS EVERYWHERE. BOB WON'T LET ME CLEAN OR ORGANIZE IT, AND HE DOESN'T WANT US TO MOVE BACK.

NOW BOB, NEWLY DIAGNOSED DIABETIC, IS HAVING NEUROLOGICAL PROBLEMS. HE IS HAVING DREAMS THAT I AM HAVING MULTIPLE AFFAIRS AND AM MASTERBATING. (I'M NOT!!!) HIS VERBAL ABUSE IS ESCALATING. MARY DOESN'T WANT BOB TO VISIT US ANYMORE. SHE WANTS LITTLE TO DO WITH HIM, BUT IS SCARED TO TELL HIM SO HE DOESN'T REALIZE HER FEELINGS. (I'VE TOLD HIM, BUT HE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME). OUR FAMILY DR. GOT BOB TO GO TO A NEUROLOGIST, WHO HAD HIM HAVE MRI's. THE RESULTS AREN'T BACK YET, BUT THE DR. SAID HE THOUGHT THERE WAS EITHER A SIGNIFICANT NEUROLOGICAL EVENT GOING ON, OR BOB WAS DEPRESSED. EITHER WAY, BOB HAS SAID HE WILL REFUSE TO TAKE "PSYCHO" DRUGS.

LAST WEEK HE SPENT THE NIGHT. A COUPLE OF HOURS AFTER WE WENT TO BED, HE JUMPED UP AND STARTED SCREAMING AT ME. HE ACCUSED ME OF MASTERBATING AGAIN. HE WAS STANDING OVER ME, FURIOUS. I WAS PETRIFIED AND INNOCENT OF HIS ACCUSATIONS. I AM A CONSCIENCIOUS CATHOLIC, VERY DILIGENT AND FERVENT IN MY DAILY PRAYERS & FORMATION, READING SACRED SCRIPTURE, BIBLE STUDY, SACRAMENTS, ETC....

I HAVE MANAGED TO GET BOB TO COUNSELING WITH A PRIEST. HE SNOWBALLED THE GUY WITH CHARM, SO IT WAS NO HELP. THEN I WAS ABLE TO GET US TO RETROUVAILLE. WE DID THE WEEKEND, AND TRAVELLED EACH SUNDAY 2 HOURS EACH WAY. BOB LITERALLY SLEPT THROUGH THE SESSIONS, AND REFUSED TO DO HIS HOMEWORK OR WRITE ANYTHING. BASICALLY, RETROUVAILLE WAS A SOLO JOURNEY FOR ME.

SINCE BOB'S BEHAVIOR IS GETTING WORSE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? MY GOOD AND HOLY FRIEND SAYS THE CHURCH WON'T HOLD ME TO A DESTRUCTIVE MARRIAGE. I THOUGHT I WAS TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER FOR OUR KIDS, BUT FEAR THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP IS HURTING US - AND MAY EVEN BECOME PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE. IN CONFESSION, MY PRIEST SAYS I SHOULD KEEP PRAYING FOR BOB'S HEALING, BUT I DON'T THINK I HAVE ADEQUATELY COMMUNICATED WHAT'S GOING ON WITH US. USUALLY, IT IS A CASUAL MENTION IN THE CONTEXT OF MY OWN SINS, AND I TRY TO KEEP IT SHORT DUE TO THE OTHER PEOPLE WAITING.

ANY ADVICE?


#2

I think you should make an appointment with the best priest or nun you know and then let them know everything that is going on.

I think there is a lot going on in your marriage, and the issue that may or may not come up in the MRI’s will add to all that, but it’s not the sort of thing for which there are written rules, you sort of need individualised help.

Be very clear and factual about the events which have concerned you, like this last one, but also have more than one in mind for when you go in (my mind always goes blank at times like that), and remember that the Church accepts that some spouses need to be separate and that that sometimes requires divorce. The main problem is when people divorce and then try to re-marry while their spouse is still living.

From the CCC:
2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.177

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.


#3

I agree go and speak with your priest in confidence and tell him all you have said her.God bless you


#4

My guess is some sort of paranoia/schizophrenia may be occurring.

Seek a local NAMI Chapter for support for yourself on depression and possible paranoia/schizophrenia. (do a web search on NAMI)

Schizophrenia can take years to properly diagnose and needs specific types of Doctors to do so. It can take years to properly treat which generally involves various types of medicine and therapy.


#5

get a new keyboard
see your priest for pastoral counselling, see a professional for marriage counselling if there is still a chance to save the marriage, and see a lawyer for the matters related to your property and business, divorce settlement and child support. If you are willing to undertake his medical care his diabetes is way out of control and the 3 of you need to meet with his doctor. If you are not, take legal steps to remove him from the home. If you have minor children at home who are in danger from this man (it is hard to read your post and discern the situation) and you do not take steps you become an accessory to any harm he causes them.

if he has a psychotic episode when you are with him, call 911


#6

What ‘chemicals’ are in that shop/house in the city that he never leaves?
Is there adequate cross-ventilation and isolation for the room/rooms with chemicals?

He could be slowly poisoning himself - compounding whatever other issues that might be at cause.

If it’s an older house with natural-gas heating (and issues), carbon-monoxide can have it’s toll as well.

Not saying these things are to blame, but I didn’t see anybody else mention them yet.


#7

If he keeps 'snowballing' outside help, get a sound-activated voice recorder to document the 'verbal abuse' .


#8

Oh Brokennails: i am so sorry for your agony. I will add you to my prayer list for sure. I certainly know what it’s like to have a turbulent marriage. God is with you. As I do not know you or just the extent of your relationship together i am not one to tell you anything, other than get some marital counseling together maybe? have you tried this? to get to the bottom of the issues? i cannot understand your husband’s behavior at all. It’s very weird.

How long have you been married? Does he have a job? If you can give perhaps some more info, we could help you more.

God Bless You

Love,
Corinne

P.S. Whoops i see you have a photography business together…sorry:eek:


#9

It sounds pretty bad. I would recommend talking to a priest and then a lawyer to legally formalize the separation that you are already living under. Your situation with him sounds scary. It might even come to needing a restraining order.


#10

Dear Friend:

My sister recently recommended I read the good book "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. Dobsen. It was eye opening. There is a chapter there for husbands such as yours. I do wish i had followed his advice when i first discovered my h's infidelity. i feel it might have made a difference. it doesn''t really now i don't think but it might in your case. Anyway i recommend this book highly.Highly to anyone suffering such as we are.

Let me know how you like it.

Love,
Corinne


#11

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