Help with husband


#1

My husband and I have been married 23 years and have 6 kids. We have committed ourselves to staying together, having already been through many trials. As my faith-life
grows, and as the challenges continue (trusting in the Cross), various points prevent peace and actually lead into oppression. Without wanting to admit to an addiction to looking at women (no matter how young) he has continuous opportunity with internet cell-phone, i-pad, tv ads, etc. constantly flashing images. Our children are active with sports and every game we’ve attended for the past ten years has afforded sexy moms. His habit is looking at them over and over and over, even to becoming restless by walking around, unable to sit with me. When we go to any store he wanders past the magazines. We’ve tried to overcome this with many discussions, tears, even counselors (briefly). Now I suffer fear of going anywhere with him because of his behavior and my falling apart. He has acknowledged the issue so to speak, without a true heartfelt apology or committment to getting help, unless it was ME getting help. Here now is the biggest concern. He wants no more children yet wants the act with withdrawal. He is genuinely committed to loving me and trying to convince me of this, yet I know the evil in this (Humanae Vitae). Because of our strain, it is almost impossible to discuss this with him.
Offering it up and open to advice. FIAT


#2

The looking is his responsibility. Yes the technology CAN deliver the images to him, but he does not HAVE to go looking for them. It sounds as though he is taking -0- responsibility and saying that "these techno-toys are the problem."

Before I go any further, are you both Catholic? I ask because if he's Catholic, then he knows what is and isn't prohibited as far as marital intimacy is concerned. You must be open to life and the results are up to God. Have you used NFP thus far? If not, I would take a class as soon as possible.

But as far as the porn and lusting after other women...that IS your husband's problem and he needs to acknowledge it and get help. In your place, I would start getting counseling (Catholic counselor if at all possible, Christian at the very least) and tell him that if he wishes to continue the marriage together, he needs to take part in the sessions too. Not advocating divorce, but setting boundaries can help some addicts recognize the damage their addiction is doing to others.

Do you have boys in the home? His behavior is obvious to them and it damages both them and your daughters, but certainly the boys will be deeply affected.

My prayers are with you. This is a difficult problem and one that many men are going through in our society. The man has to WANT to stop looking and stop lusting after women.


#3

I could have written this myself, except I’m the husband, it’s been 35 years and 8 kids, and we have had our trials. And yes, I am the GUILTY party.

You are not alone and you have come to the right place! Their are many caring souls here who have helped me and others.

What your husband (and I, mea culpa) is doing is MORTALLY sinful, and it is OUR responsibility to CONFESS this with a firm purpose of amendment. There are, though, reasons (not excuses) for this ADDICTIVE behavior.

I prayerfully suggest you (and hubby) visit the Impurity Addiction Support Group forum (on this site) to see the struggles of others and the advice given. It will help you (both) to understand this sin better.

Our Lady of Good Help, come to the aid of this family. :signofcross:


#4

Thank you so much, Jesus and Mary be with you and your family always! (As indeed They will).
Just now have submitted request to join the group you suggested, perhaps I can and receive further help. For now, he won’t look at the information. While he is trying not to have this painful problem, and doesn’t want to admit it either, it also is that it is enjoyable and not something he feels he wants to or needs to give up, as it has been his way since early youth, and far too impossible anyway. While I have understanding and forgiveness, by great Graces only, yet it happens so often that I tremble going anywhere, and have become timid and sad. He truly is a good and dedicated husband and father - not wanting to paint such a severe picture of him. However, this secret has crushed me. Perhaps I can find help to someday help him. Fiat!


#5

[quote="Jtherese, post:4, topic:235323"]
Thank you so much, Jesus and Mary be with you and your family always! (As indeed They will).
Just now have submitted request to join the group you suggested, perhaps I can and receive further help. For now, he won't look at the information. While he is trying not to have this painful problem, and doesn't want to admit it either, it also is that it is enjoyable and not something he feels he wants to or needs to give up, as it has been his way since early youth, and far too impossible anyway. While I have understanding and forgiveness, by great Graces only, yet it happens so often that I tremble going anywhere, and have become timid and sad. He truly is a good and dedicated husband and father - not wanting to paint such a severe picture of him. However, this secret has crushed me. Perhaps I can find help to someday help him. Fiat!

[/quote]

I can relate on some level, Jetherese, having had difficult times with my husband and even my father (yes, dads, your daughters do notice when you stare at women, and it hurts them).

It sounds to me like the only thing for this is counseling, preferably with your priest. Your husband has an addiction, you've got some deep wounds and legitimate fears, and the relationship has major intimacy problems.

Do you believe your spouse is open to marriage counseling? That could set him on the road to sexual addiction recovery as well.


closed #6

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