I am not sure what I am going to do. I was married in the Church. I love my husband but he has been very controlling since the marriage. Last night it got physical. I am already working on getting an appointment with the priest. I also found out there was a big thing that he did not tell me prior to marriage that is affecting our marriage very drastically. We have been problems. He feels meeting half way is not leaving. I know not everything can be my fault even though I know have some responsibility probably 50/50. However, I do not want to get into details and air dirty laundry. Right now I am heart broken and my spirit is crushed. I love God and I know this is not how He wants me to live.
Getting physical with your spouse is a absolute deal breaker in any relationship. Once is one time to many. Even with the little detail you gave I can see that this situation will only get worse. When you talk to your priest part of the conversation ought to be what you should do if/when you move out of your house.
You need to get away from this man but do it in a safe way and do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING possible to continue communication with friends and family on the outside.
Forgive me for being so blunt, but I really feel like you are in an unsafe situation. God bless and my prayers will be with you.
Quoted for truth And please do not be afraid to call 911 either if you are in a situation where it can happen again.
You need to get out now! Nothing you did makes it okay for him to hit/abuse you. His getting physical is not your fault. It is most definitely a deal breaker. If you don’t have a place to go, go to a women’s shelter. Don’t try to pack alot of things, just get your purse and leave when it is safe to. If you can’t get out, call 911! I’ve been there. Don’t stay.
He got physical? You mean he hit you?
You need to separate from this man for the sake of your safety. The Church does not teach that you have to risk your safety and remain with an abusive spouse. You need to go to the police and find a safe place to live.
You said he hid something from you before marriage. Do you think this is something that could have made the marriage nonexistent to begin with? You need to tell your priest this thing, and others, to see if it’s possible for you to get an annulment.
Men like him never change. It’s more likely that he’ll seriously injure or even kill you than change into a normal man.
(And the way you’re talking is a little scary, why do you say you have 50% of the fault in this? It is never okay to hit your spouse, not even if you cheat on him with 10 guys and sell his stuff to buy drugs (the worst thing I could think of :p). Physical violence is never acceptable. His behavior is 100% his fault, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.)
I’m sure you’ve been told how much everything is your fault for years. Don’t buy into that. If he’s been controlling, then he’s been controlling YOU. It’s HIS fault. Now that he’s taken it to the next level, I have to add my voice to the list of those saying to get out.
Do it safely.
Don’t look back.
Sadly, 16 years ago I fell for the flowers and apologies and promises to never do it again.
It does happen again.
Once they cross that line, they never seem to go back.
At the risk of sounding like one of “those women” that I never understood - I will speak to priest, pray for him, and see if he is willing to get some help. If not I am out. However, it is my home, and I’m not leaving it. It’s only in my name.
If you decide to tell him to leave, make sure you have people there with you when you do. Brothers, friends (preferably male), family. Absolutely do not tell him when you are alone with him, he could seriously hurt you.
Joan, you’ve only been married 8 months. There is a certain kind of man who only reveals himself to the world AFTER the wedding. Half a year or so is about right.
Go read everything we’ve all written about narcissists. See if any of it applies to your situation. Please.
They don’t “do” counselling. Unless it’s to fix YOU. Everything is YOUR fault. YOU MADE him hit you. YOU MADE HIM MAD. Narcissists are secret factories. There’s always one more shoe to drop. If he just told you something 8 months after the wedding that is so :eek: you are reacting to it, then you might want to start writing this stuff down. It could go to the heart of the validity of your marriage.
Start reading escapeabuse.com/npd.pdf
You will hope he goes to counselling because you are thinking like a normal person. Please keep in mind he may not be normal. The reason “those people you never understood” stayed in bad relationships is because they keep hoping (false hope) that if they are better, kinder, quieter, etc… they will finally trigger some NORMAL reaction in their spouse and the problem will go away. Nope. Doesn’t work like that.
Good luck. I’m very sorry for this. I’ll pray for you.
I’m so sorry to hear this! Do whatever you have to, in order to be safe. Your safety needs to come first…if you don’t feel safe in your own home…that’s no way to live. I am sure you’ll get some good advice from your priest…but, make sure you don’t stay in a dangerous household with someone who wants to hurt you. You don’t deserve to ever be struck, no matter what ‘contribution’ to your marital problems you played. I wish I could offer some good advice, but typically men that hit or shove a woman once, don’t stop there. Please please get help and don’t think you can resolve this on your own…I will hold you in my prayers! Please pm me if you ever want to talk.
Some of this may be resonating with you. Read up. Decide if it applies to your situation…
Well, a house isn’t worth being battered or worse. Just remember that. And if it’s in your name only, there’s always legal recourse to keep him far away. Or you can sell and movel. I’ll be honest: I once hit an ex-girlfriend. I don’t know how worse it could have gottenif she hadn’t left. By all means pray and talk to people you trust, but don’t rationalize staying in an abusive situation, please.
*I’m afraid this is true more often than not. Please please listen to the advice you have been given joan…and take care of yourself, here. *
If it is your house, by all means you have the legal right to make him leave. But I second the person who said do it with others around, otherwise I’d bet money he’d hurt you if it was just the two of you there. And get some legal muscle behind you first (i.e a restraining order) to show that you are definately serious and he has not choice, he must leave or you will have the police make him leave. But if you are in immediate danger you must remove yourself from the situation and then take action to take back what’s yours.
I spoke to the priest today and he gave me some good advice. I am going to wait for him to come home - he was home last night during the night to sleep which he slept in the guest room with the door shut and he left this morning. He doesn’t know what he wants to do - or so he told me over texts. My feeling is this, I will talk to him in a public place as my priest suggested. If we can talk in a calm, rational manner and he is willing to go to counseling then we can look at it. If not then we are done. My contingency plan is selling everything to get financially sound and going back to school. We do own a business together and chances are that I will be getting some dividends from it since Florida is a commonproperty state. I want this to work but if it can’t then I know what i have to do. I can’t control anyone I can only accept them for who they are and love them regardless as they were made in God’s image- problems and all. Thanks everyone. Just pray God’s will- that’s all I am praying for at this point - I don’t want to pray for anything in particular - He knows what is best.
I’m sad to read of your predicament. It’s good you immediately involved your priest, that you haven’t just let this pass; and that you are serioously seeking to salvage your marriage if possible, and to deal with the potential and real problems without delay or unclear thinking.
He’s lied to you on a serious matter that affects your marriage, in that he already betrayed you. He wasn’t ‘fair dinkum’ when you married, in that case. Fair dinkum is colloqual Aussie for ‘honest and true’.
He could promise not to be violent again and you may believe him…well maybe…but to assault you isn’t love. If he handled you roughly physically, that’s assault.
“Husbands, love your wives and treat them with gentleness.” [Colossians 3:19]
“Husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the Church…each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself; and let every wife respect her husband.” [Ephesians 5:2, 25, 33]
You will be in my prayers.
Joan, I’m not sure your priest told you the right thing to do, or you didn’t tell him everything. I know we are to abide by our priest’s knowledge, but, as the other messagers stated, this is not something you give a second chance. Physical=get out. I’m afraid you really haven’t “heard” the true advice that has been lovingly given here. I will keep you in my prayers.
No, my priest just has the opportunity to know other contributing factors that I can’t share openly on an internet forum. I am praying that I can keep this vocation but i thank you all for the loving advice and know that if it does not get better I will leave.
My hubby told me today he wants a trial seperation before he will consider counseling - that he needs to gain perspective. I am not ready to lose my marriage.
You might not be ready to give up on the marriage-but if he got physical, please, for goodness sakes, think twice about this! No marriage is worth it if your getting hurt!