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#1

I don't know if this post belongs in this forum, if not, I'm sorry, I was confused as to where to put it.

DH and I have been dealing with infertility and pregnancy losses for the past 3 yrs. After my first loss in the first trimester, I became even more religious than before (you could say I sheltered in the arms of Jesus), got myself more involved in my parish ministries, never missed Mass, would even talk to my Pastor regularly, even had confessions once a month, read the bible every day, prayed before each meal aside from morning, random times and betime prayers, would pray the rosary in my car every day, and I don't know what else.

After we lost our second in the early 2nd trimester, I became angry and detached. I could still pray, still read the bible every day but began to miss Mass. I'd miss for a month, go to confession, and then go back to Mass for a month or 2, then miss another month or 2, and repeat the same cycle for a yr.

When I lost my third last yr in the first trimester, I became bitter, angry, stopped praying altogether, stopped going to Mass, stopped reading the bible, even made comments about God not really existing or caring about me. Ever since then, I haven't been back to Mass. I can't even remember the last time I went to confession.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is that I feel terrible but I still can't get myself to going either to confession or to Mass. I feel like a complete hypocrite for praying when I do pray. And then we became pregnant. I feel horrible because I still feel like a hypocrite even when I pray for our baby to make it. I can sort of pray for the baby, but I still feel that because I haven't prayed, why would God even listen now? What would make this pregnancy any different since He's taken the other 3? How could I get myself into the habit of praying again when I've forgotten how to pray except for the prayers every Catholic knows by memory? How can I get myself to go back to confession? To Mass? What if God thinks I'm a hypocrite for having abandoned the Church and doesn't want to help us keep this baby? Sometimes I feel like he's laughing at us and will take this baby away since I've been such a bad Catholic. How can I stop feeling angry at Him for taking our babies? I know deep inside that He doesn't want to make our babies die, but he made me defective. He gave me secondary infertility and I have to suffer for that.

I'm sorry this was so long. I'm just stuck. I have no idea how to get back Home. It's been 2 yrs since our second loss, so I've lost so much from my faith. Sometimes I feel like I have lost my faith completely. My family even thinks I'm atheist now... :(


#2

I also went through a period where I basically rejected the God and the church. When I reached the point you are now, I went to a parish in another town, to a priest I didn’t know and would never see again and laid it all out. You even have the option of writing it all down, giving it to the priest and saying, ‘I confess this!’

God loves you and is rejoicing that you want to return to Him. It sounds like through your trials, God has given you the grace to return to Him. No matter what horrible things we do, God is only an apology away. His love and mercy is infinite and ever lasting and He wants to pour out that love and mercy on you. Start by going to confession. Then to Mass and receive Him in the Eucharist.

My wife and I lost our third child, Julia, in the second trimester. The loss of a child is a mystery that we cannot begin to understand. All I know is that the only place my little girl knew was warm of her mothers tummy. She never knew fear, she never had a need that wasn’t met and she only experienced the best there was. I rejoice in those facts. She got to go live with Jesus without having endure all the trials that come our way. Its been five years now, but I still feel very sad that I didn’t get to hold her. I just take comfort in Gods love and trust in that.

I will be praying for you too, Ouioui!


#3

Please know you / your family... are in my prayers.


#4

I really don't think that many of us are likely to be too surprised at your reaction to the loss of your three babies, one after another. And I really don't think the Lord would be either. After all, Jesus cried over the death of a friend even when he knew that very soon he would raise Lazarus from the dead. He also had his time of feeling abandoned, on the Cross when he cried out,
"My God, my God, why have You abandoned me?"

You know what I'd do. I'd take time out and make a coffee or hot chocolate, and sit down in a lounge chair or at the table and talk to Jesus about it all. Tell him everything, good and bad, the anger the disappointment, the confusion, the fear. I wouldn't just do that once, but as many times as it took.

:coffee::coffee:


#5

Dear Apostles of Jesus, many of us experience crucifixion in our lives and in the lives of dear ones, as you did. Please pray for us and guide us, so that if loss and pain engulfs others’ lives or our own, we will continue to pray and evangelise.

You were His chosen companions. Your hearts were broken and your lives shattered by the terrible betrayal and death of your great hope Jesus. He had preached love and faith; He had preached the Kingdom to which He claimed all persons are called. Defeated and disgraced with no more honour than the vilest criminal, He was tortured, executed and buried.

His words and acts now meant nothing, as all of you—except John—scattered and hid to avoid a similar fate. Disillusioned, you wondered if the last few years were a shameful mistake. Were you betrayed by your discipleship to this condemned man?

Poor men, how could you reconcile the terrible events of this Passover with the Son of God, the Saviour whom you had believed Jesus to be! How could this disgrace, loss, and failure be the end to which He, and possibly yourselves, could be destined!

Peter, you, His appointed one, denied even an acquaintanceship with Him. How great your shock and your disillusionment when the full realisation of your perfidy assailed you!
Only John returned to stand beneath the cross with the grieving women. Beloved John! Shaking with grief and shock, you stood there, gutted by the unbelievable tragedy unfolding before you. Faith and love supported you, yet did you not experience the same terrible emptiness and loss as your fellow apostles and other disciples?

Dear Apostles, throughout the ages, countless individuals experience in some way the crucifixion of a loved one, or of themselves, and the consequent challenge to hope and faith. They may feel emptiness, or loss of zeal. They may lose all trust in the living, merciful God.

Pray for them, for us, that in such periods we may be faithful, regardless of broken heart and anguish of spirit. Pray that we may be restored to hope, to trust, to prayer, to active service of love in the Kingdom. Intercede for such resurrection in us. Implore the Holy Spirit to come and restore our spirits, making us true apostles of Jesus. Pray that we become evangelists, enabling the Spirit to draw others into the Kingdom of God.

Thank you, Apostles of Jesus, whose weaknesses mirror our weakness, and whose restored faith, zeal, and courage, inspire us. Pray for us who are your sisters and brothers throughout the ages. Share your blessings with us. Pray that we shall receive in fullness those precious gifts of His love that He longs for us to share and distribute.

Obtain that we honour and delight our God with all heart and strength. Then, when at last our souls rise to join yours, we shall enjoy eternity at your side, honouring and loving the great Son of God, whom we once betrayed out of our fear and selfishness or in our disillusionment and distress.


#6

My heart goes out to you and I understand your loss and your pain. I lost a child at 5 1/2 months, gave birth to a living child, lost another child, gave birth to a living child and then my husband was killed. The first priest I turned to said I had a good life and God gave me a stumbling block and look at how I reacted. I, too, questioned, was angry and away from the church for a time. But a priest reached out to me at Christmas one year and my life changed forever. Go to your priest - and I hope you have a kind one. If not, look to a different priest for even priests are men and even priests have bad days.

What I can tell you from my experience is that while you may have been away from the Church and it’s sacraments, Jesus never left your side. He has been there through every tear and every rant and every empty moment when you felt you could not go on. (Did you know your tears are prayers of a kind?) You say you have forgotten how to pray, but your post was a prayer in and of itself. And this baby you are carrying now? This is a blessed child. For he (or she) has a Mother who continues to pray for him even in your own pain and doubt. And Jesus hears. You don’t have to be elegant. You don’t have to be “proper”, you don’t always have to praise (you can question too), you only need to be sincere. And, Jesus will hear. He will walk by your side, carry you when needed, and be there when you are ready to see Him again.

Bless this child that you carry and his/her mother and the ones who have left our world. Perhaps our children are playing together in Heaven right now. God sometimes does give us more than we think we can bear. But he never asks us to bear it alone. You are not alone. Feel free to PM if you wish.


#7

These are the Miracles of God ! God gives you everything but on time, so go and confess to God and try to join church community again.

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#8

Ouioui,
Your post touched my heart. You are in my prayers.


#9

Don't have any advice, although I wish I did. You do have my continued prayers though.


#10

I'm sorry, ouioui. :( I haven't had the losses you've experienced, but I have gone through things that have caused a temporary severance in my connection with God. The connection that I felt, anyhow. The only advice I have is just to trust that God understands what you're going through and why you've reacted the way you have. He's your Father, you're his little child. Ask God to help you come back to Him.

Then, as soon as you possibly can, go back to confession and tell the priest what you told us here. I don't think you'll truly be able to heal the rift until you take that step. You just have to do it. I'll pray for you! :)


#11

I’m so sorry for your losses. I have also had 2 miscarriages – it’s very hard.

When I was pregnant with Grace, I went to confession and expressed to my priest how angry I was at God. I was happy to be pregnant, of course, but I wanted Monica (the first baby I lost). My priest reminded me that God can handle my anger. He can handle yours too. You have let the Devil convince you that your anger is bigger than God. And in doing so, you have gotten involved with lots of other negative feelings - like that you’re a hypocrite when you prayer and that God wants you to suffer.

God made you because He loves you. This is one of the first things taught in the religion curriculum I use with Jack. He didn’t have to make you – He chose to out of love. And He wants you to love Him. He wants you to talk to Him. You are not a hypocrite when you pray. When you pray, you are the most authentic you can be. You are truly in touch with yourself, because God is the essence of each of us.

God doesn’t desire that you suffer – He wants you to be happy so much that He let His Son suffer and die for you. I can’t explain why you are suffering repeated miscarriages. I do know that I have found some comfort in knowing that despite never having held the babies I’ve lost, I participated in the creation of their immortal souls. There are two souls in existence that would not be without my participation. And it saddens me that I didn’t get to know those souls, but I trust in the mercy of God – and that some day, I will get to know them in Heaven.

As to how you get back, you do it one step at a time. Pray for your baby. Pray for yourself - ask God to help you get closer to Him. Go to Mass. When you don’t make it one week, go the next, even if you haven’t gone to confession (obviously, don’t receive the Eucharist). Every time you take a step backwards, stop and take another step forwards. It’s a long journey. You will make mistakes. You will fail some days. But you just keep trying.

I hope that you have a good OB working on discovering the physical cause(s) behind your secondary infertility. I also hope that you can find a good spiritual director to help you deal with the emotional fallout. You are clearly suffering spiritually. I will keep you in my prayers.


#12

Thank you everyone. Your words mean a lot to me. I'm still having a hard time of course, but I'm hoping that one step at a time will take me where I used to be before.

Nova, my OB has foud what was wrong and referred me to an RE and she took care of my problems. I hope that by having found out why I was losing our babies, that this one can stay with us.


#13

Spend time prayerfully reading the book of Job as well as the Psalms.


#14

OuiOui congratulations on your pregnancy and I am so sorry to hear of the past loses of your three babies. I miscarried a baby just over a year ago, it was my fourth pregnancy and I have three live children. I was so devastated at the loss, it was shocking to realize I had assumed I would carry the baby to term. It is always so hard to come to terms with the loss of a child and the loss of all your hopes and dreams that you had relating to that child.

It it clear that you have gone through an intense period of suffering and mourning, this is maybe ongoing despite your pregnancy. When we are grieving it is hard to function as we normally would. With loses coming one after another it is understandable that it affected your faith and trust in God. You were still coming to terms with one loss when It was compounded by another and another.

My sister-in-law had a son and then had a series of miscarriages - at least three. At that point it was investigated by medical specialists, she began the recommended treatment and became pregnant. My niece was born on my mother's birthday two days before my third child was born. There is a ten year age gap between her and her elder brother and she worships him.

I relate this story to encourage you to have hope. It is wonderful that you are now expecting. God is our friend and lover. He cannot be won by the number of rosaries, the amount of times you confess. He is not asking you to jump through hoops or laughing at your pain. He is always on our side and he came to us as a little baby. If you think about Jesus as a baby, completely vulnerable let him minister to you. Pick him up and hold him, love him and kiss him. God is not a "spirit in the sky", an old man with a long white beard raining curses down on us. God is love, intimacy. He comes into your intimate being to create a new life because he loves you and not to punish you.

Take one small step at a time, offer yourself completely to God and do not feel you need to do anything extravagant to convince him that you love him. God doesn't bargain with us, he gives us anything to the point of death unconditionally. Perhaps this experience of intense suffering has burned away all preconceived ideas of God. Now you feel empty and have nothing to offer God can take over. Give yourself completely to him. When I pray for you I really feel the presence of St. Francis and St.Clare. A simple profound spirituality. I will ask them to pray for you.

We cannot explain mysteries of loss but God hears our 'Whys??!' and our devastation. You are not alone. I will keep praying for you OuiOui. :heart:


#15

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