I don't know if this post belongs in this forum, if not, I'm sorry, I was confused as to where to put it.
DH and I have been dealing with infertility and pregnancy losses for the past 3 yrs. After my first loss in the first trimester, I became even more religious than before (you could say I sheltered in the arms of Jesus), got myself more involved in my parish ministries, never missed Mass, would even talk to my Pastor regularly, even had confessions once a month, read the bible every day, prayed before each meal aside from morning, random times and betime prayers, would pray the rosary in my car every day, and I don't know what else.
After we lost our second in the early 2nd trimester, I became angry and detached. I could still pray, still read the bible every day but began to miss Mass. I'd miss for a month, go to confession, and then go back to Mass for a month or 2, then miss another month or 2, and repeat the same cycle for a yr.
When I lost my third last yr in the first trimester, I became bitter, angry, stopped praying altogether, stopped going to Mass, stopped reading the bible, even made comments about God not really existing or caring about me. Ever since then, I haven't been back to Mass. I can't even remember the last time I went to confession.
I guess the reason I'm writing this is that I feel terrible but I still can't get myself to going either to confession or to Mass. I feel like a complete hypocrite for praying when I do pray. And then we became pregnant. I feel horrible because I still feel like a hypocrite even when I pray for our baby to make it. I can sort of pray for the baby, but I still feel that because I haven't prayed, why would God even listen now? What would make this pregnancy any different since He's taken the other 3? How could I get myself into the habit of praying again when I've forgotten how to pray except for the prayers every Catholic knows by memory? How can I get myself to go back to confession? To Mass? What if God thinks I'm a hypocrite for having abandoned the Church and doesn't want to help us keep this baby? Sometimes I feel like he's laughing at us and will take this baby away since I've been such a bad Catholic. How can I stop feeling angry at Him for taking our babies? I know deep inside that He doesn't want to make our babies die, but he made me defective. He gave me secondary infertility and I have to suffer for that.
I'm sorry this was so long. I'm just stuck. I have no idea how to get back Home. It's been 2 yrs since our second loss, so I've lost so much from my faith. Sometimes I feel like I have lost my faith completely. My family even thinks I'm atheist now... :(