I am thankful for being able to see a psychologist on the 6th of this month,
in the mean time i could use some prayers,
my back is up against a wall, i am grabbing at anything and everything for help, and purpose, i cant confide in my parents any more about my problems and worries because they just break down in tears and in turn it breaks me.
i dont expect any real help from a psychologist, the most i hope for is at least a new perspective on how to fix the problems i have, and at the very least to have someone else to turn to about my constant struggle rather than family.
I try to put on a front with my parents that everything is fine, but eventually the chip away at me and things spill out....
all i know is cant do anything in life until i get myself fixed, then once i do , i have to get back into discernment, which i am not really stopping but more pursuing on an informal level,,, figure that out, move on with that or figure out how to find a spouse and eventually start a business of my own some how,, which would require a spouse that would want to be apart of it because there will never be a time when i have the funds to start something myself.
working for someone else for the rest of my life is the only thing i am positive i never want to do.
i am filled with turmoil, fear, anxiety,convoluted thoughts, my hope is vauge, and my faith in God is at least constant.
all i end up doing is fighting with everything i got to keep my head above water, and it gets really exhausting spinning my wheels.
I have to ask for others to pray for me because I never pray for myself, odd though I see how my prayers for others are answered... I just don't know how to pray for myself and not come off as self centered.
a life of peace for me seems so far away, I think the moments of peace i do have are in adoration, probably more so than at mass.
unemployment isn't helping either, and i can hold a job for a year or so before managment starts chipping away at me, and then i am forced to quit because the only option left is to return their oppression and hate back at them.
so my options in this town are limited, and if ever the opprotunity to break free, and be my own free person, presents it self, i can only hope i will be ready to take it.
today was a horrible day,
it sounds like it wants to rain, i hope it does.