Here comes the self-pitying rant from the one who isn't good enough


#1

Things were going really well for me, focusing more on school, feeling more detached from my painful, miserable breakup, etc. etc. The depression has remained, but it was a bit better. Now I really feel like it’s going downhill again. My computer caught a horrible virus and I’m a college student, I kind of need my computer, I don’t know if I’ll be able to save it. In all my free time for the past two days I’ve been trying to fix it. I can’t afford to take it to anyone, I can’t afford anything. My ex posted things on his online profile that have upset me, and I thought I was doing so much better with that whole thing. I’m trying to be patient and remember that if God does want us t be together then it will happen just on God’s timeline, not mine, and it won’t matter what happens in between now and then. I just don’t understand how I could have been so loved and now it’s like I was never there, like I never mattered. We had been talking again and it was going well, I thought. I was doing better for a couple weeks and now I feel like maybe God is testing me with various things, testing my patience and etc. I was very patient at first with these things, but after trying to fix something for two days straight when I have a ton of work, and seeing things that upset me when I really thought there might be some hope…I just want to hide under my bed even moreso than usual. It’s like there’s something I’m not getting, always has been with my religion.
What’s the difference between depression/self-loathing and being a good Catholic? How can we ever relax and be okay and say “God loves me” when we know we’re all so horrible and disgusting? Why does this religion tell us that we’re loved as we are and then turn around and say, now you have to change? I need so badly to get better, there’s so much I have to do, school and family, etc. etc. I just would rather die.


#2

Seems to me you are talking about two different things. My experience has been that when I get overwhelmed with emotional events and stresses from work not done, that’s frustration or depression or both. Self-loathing is depression. Feeling helpless and hopeless is depression. Rather dying is depression. You won’t get anything from religion for that… except the wisdom to seek a bit of short term practical advice and bounce some of your feelings off a neutral person… ie. perhaps the college counseling center.

Depression and self-loathing can be intensified by thinking that being Catholic means we have to spend all our time watching out for sin and focusing on sin because God the judge will judge us when we die, etc. Look at that side of it alone and it would depress anyone!

But that is not what “change” means. It means that God, Who loves us first, gives us the grace to love Him back and love others others better. As that happens we notice things we need to correct about ourselves so we can love more. There is sadness for these sins but it is couched in the joy of knowing God is helping us to love better… It’s like a class really. If you flunk your first test or don’t do as well as you want, you can beat yourself up over it and get nowhere or you can say, “Gee, I need to do A, B, and C to get that grade up to where I want it.”

God wills us to love ourselves as He loves us, not do the self-loathing thing. So, perhaps a bit of counseling over the hurts of the breakup, dealing with X-byfd, and learning how to deal with stress would help you love yourself better; the consequence of that is you might recognize that religion has given you what you need… wisdom. :slight_smile:


#3

Hi,
I’m doing a bit better, I will respond when I have more time, thank you for responding!


#4

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