Hi i need advice


#1

Not sure where to put this so putting it here. I need some advice. I have been married for 14 years. My husband is hispanic. about 5 years ago i started noticing him frequently looking at gay porn on the internet. I asked him time and time again to stop looking at it. About a couple of years ago he started looking again. At this point i am disgusted and revolted and so i sought comfort in another man. Yes, I know it was wrong and I have lived with the guilt and remorse ever since. We worked through it (or so i thought) until last weekend when i started noticing IM’s he had with other men. What i seen was so horrific i cant even describe how i feel. He had made plans to meet this guy. I asked him how long he has been sleeping with other men and he denies he does. Last night, however he admitted to having oral sex with men for the last year. I am so hurt and disgusted. Had it been another woman I probably wouldnt be this upset. I don’t know if my marriage is even worth saving or anything. anyone care to offer advice?


#2

You can pray to jesus about it .No ones going to blame you if you need to end this marrage.Gods knows whats in all of our hearts.jesus is here to save us not condem us.Take care of yourself.pray for yourself and pray for him.


#3

familyministries.org/resources/index.asp?c_id=73&t_id=3

I think you can get better feedback by putting this on the family life posts…but I can giving you this link to help the growing problem in your marriage. I don’t think it has anything to do with your spouse’s ethnicity but it does have to do with his addiction to internet porn along with both of your infidelity.You need counseling or at the very least a retrouvaille retreat if there is one available in your area. Also, get a checkup and encourage your spouse to do the same to make sure you are both free of any STD’s. Definitely, trust has been breached in your marriage…plus you both need to get closer to God through the sacraments of reconciliation and communion. Talk at the very least with your confessor for spiritual advice. You are in my prayers!


#4

I am so sorry for your situation but I don’t get what this has to do with it?:shrug:


#5

What it has to do with it he comes from a strong catholic family and i dont understand how this has happened


#6

I agree with the previous posts – you MUST get tested for STDs and stop having sex with your husband until you’re sure that he has stopped and is free of STDs. This is especially relevant because of the increased rates of STDs in men who have sex with men.

Well, this could affect someone’s advice, given the vastly different attitudes towards homosexuality that Hispanic cultures hold, when compared to mainstream American culture. Not to mention the different attitudes and expectations regarding spousal roles that Hispanic cultures hold.


#7

Have yourself tested ASAP for STDs!
Then issue an ultimatum: either he quits the gay sex and pornography lifestyle and goes to counseling (Catholic, preferably) or you leave him.


#8

Lots of people can (and will) offer advice. Some of it will be useful, some of it helpful, but some of it will be totally off the wall.

This is a serious situation. It calls for first a doctor, second a priest, and third a good attorney.

Get tested for STDs today. It is not that I am gay-bashing. I am promiscuous-sex bashing. I would say the same thing if your husband had an affair with a female. While you are at the doctor’s, ask for a referral to a good therapist, preferably one who is a practicing Catholic.

Talk to a priest as soon as possible. If he does not give you what you feel is sound advice run, don’t walk, to another priest.

Get a good attorney before your husband does. Maybe you can save the marriage, but maybe you can’t, as it takes two people to make a marriage. If you have children, you want to secure their rights and support. Even if there are no children, you want to secure your own rights.

God bless you. I am sorry you are going through this.


#9

Yes we have 2 children a 12 yr old and a 10 year old and I am not quite sure how this is gonna effect them. do i tell them or do i not. I dont know what to do. I am scared, angry and feeling alone not to mention embarrassed.


#10

I wouldn’t tell them yet, if at all. First make sure you’re okay, then you’ll be in a better position to take care of them. Like others have said, get checked for STDs stat. That’s the first thing – then it’s time to figure out what you want to do next. Is your marriage worth saving, or can it be saved? That’s entirely up to the two of you; whatever strangers on the internet say won’t make a difference.

Good luck :slight_smile:


#11

seconding this advice…and leave kids out of it for now… not a word!


#12

Definitely leave the kids out of it. If you do end up separating, let them know that it is for reasons between you and him as husband and wife. They should not be involved. Let your husband also know that you will not be discussing it with your kids. At that age too, you should probably look into counseling for them as parents separating is very stressful, especially because they will think they have a right to know all the details…which they don’t.


#13

I am wondering why you mention that he is hispanic? I don’t think it’s relevant; his problem is an individual problem.


#14

#15

I am s sorry to hear of this :frowning:

You need to protect yourself from your husband sexually right now but abstaining, in my opinion. Which you probably are anyways.

You do not deserve to be in such a relationship and you both need support and help from a priest or Catholic counsellor. I know everyone always says that on these threads, but it’s very true.

You are in my prayers. :gopray2:


#16

Prayers -

Please reach out to Courage, and EnCourage:

www.couragerc.net


#17

In Hispanic cultures, there is immense pressure for a man to hide his homosexuality.

In non-Hispanic American culture, demonizing homosexuals is becoming increasingly unacceptable. Using words that are “slurs” against homosexuals is no longer tolerated in polite company.

Things are not like this in the Hispanic cultures that I’m familiar with (Central American). Threatening gays is still acceptable, and calling a man “homosexual” is the ultimate insult. Anti-homosexual slurs are still used openly. My Hispanic friends have said things that would horrify their non-Hispanic counterparts (if they were said in English.)

Contrast this with the Catholic teaching that homosexuals should not engage in sexual activity, but should still be treated with kindness and respesct.

As a consequence, homosexual Hispanic men are pressured to marry to hide their homosexuality. Add the increased acceptance of men having extramarital affairs in the aforementioned Hispanic cultures…and you can see how this can lead to unfortunate consequences, as our OP has possibly discovered.

Jerrysgirl, you seemed to take my comment personally. Are you Hispanic? Do you live in a Spanish-speaking country? Are most of your friends Hispanic? If so, then you’ve surely noticed the trend that I’m describing. If not, then why take it so personally?


#18

different attitudes are? I have never heard of this before. I did not want to make a big deal out this and hijack the thread but I just can’t let this one go. Sorry but to not challenge it would be wrong! There–I’m done with my rant.:frowning:

OP - I agree with the advice that you have been given. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. I just wish that you would have left out the part about his ethnicity. Honestly, this is a man that has a problem.
period. Do you really think that your husband’s ethnicity has anything to do with the fact that he has not been faithful to you and/or that he could be gay?

I am beginning to think i shouldnt have come here at all. i am sorry i wasted your time. I am going to crawl in bed and just cry.I dont know what else to do
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#19

Ack, I totally agree with you here. I am Mexican and I know that it was VERY relevant that the OP stated her husband is Hispanic. Coming from my own culture here it goes…

Jerrysgirl: Hispanics are very homophobic, and homosexuality is very frowned upon. Hispanics are very Catholic, very religious, so that’s another reason why it’s relevant.

Most Hispanics, when homosexual, try to hide it for as long as they can, and yes, if they can, they will marry to try and hide it. It’s one of the most shameful things that can happen to your family. I have 2 gay cousins, and their parents reacted in a way an American parent wouldn’t. One of them, his dad beat the cr*p out of him and kicked him out of the house (my cousin was only 16 then). His dad turned his back on him and never has had support from his parents. Because my cousin grew up here in the US, he has completely come out of the closet and is living a complete homosexual life, with partners and all. My other cousin, his parents cried and cried and cried and wouldn’t show their faces for over a yr. They tried to hide it, but it eventually came out and my cousin now has a boyfriend and is living that life. He too was raised here, but you see how their parents reacted?

Those cases were out of the ordinary, most men try to hide it, they think of themselves as less of a man becuase they are gay, so they hide it so no one in their families, especially their wives, find out. It takes their manliness away. Most Hispanic men are macho to some degree. Like I said, most Hispanics are homophobic, so the rejection is mostly universal in their families. That is why it’s relevant. A gay person in a Hispanic family brings the most shame, more than a pregnancy out of wedlock, more than adultery.

Sands, don’t go away just because one person doesn’t know how to respond to your problem. Most of us here can understand where your pain is coming from. I’m really sorry you are going thru this. I really don’t have much advice but to tell you I’m praying for you, and to please don’t include your children. Don’t tell them. It’s traumatic enough for you, imagine what it’d do to your kids.

Seek help from a priest and a counselor, and also a lawyer. Inform yourself because you need to be prepared for everything. You need emotional, spiritual and legal guidance. I’m really sorry this has happened to you.


#20

I don’t think Jerry’sgirl meant to be rude by any means, just trying to understand the Hispanic connection maybe? I didn’t understand it really… it is nice to hear it from other fellow Hispanic CAFers. I hardly know any Hispanic people where I live… it sucks ! :slight_smile:

I do remember a few refugees to Canada from South American countries who claimed they were gay and were being persecuted. I suppose this happens in many other countries and cultures as well. How sad :frowning:

But back to the issue at hand… Sands0509, this is a very difficult situation that you shouldn’t be expected to handle by yourself. We are all here to listen and I hope you have people in your life at home to help too?


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