It's been so hard to go through life lately, many dark days have kept me company for a while now. A few months ago I wrote about finding out that a former boyfriend was going off to seminary to follow his dream of becoming a priest. Many years ago he promised me he would remain my best friend no matter what happened. Now it seems he has moved on and forgotten all about me as if I meant nothing. I'm sure I must've been important enough at one time to him to merit a Christmas or birthday card every now and then.. But not so.
I am finding it hard to accept and move on. For too long I've dwelled in the mindset that "one day we'll be together and live happily ever after" I've never gotten over him, I live each day for him, no-one will ever take his place. My life is heading in a downward spiral I try to go through each day, hiding my sorrows, hiding my broken heart but with each passing day it gets harder and harder not easier. What am I doing wrong?
One of he saddest thing for me is having to hide my sorrows from the world. Life goes on no matter what, work for me is very busy and it keeps my mind occupied for the most part. But whenever someone asks me how I am, I always smile and say I'm okay. No one sees the sorrow behind the fake smile or the pain behind the 'I'm okay'. I've always been cheery and bubbly. It's always been a sincere happy smile, but now it's all changed. To the outside it's still that same bubbly smile, but inside it's empty and it's fake. And it's this that kills me.*
Im finding it hard to adapt to change, it seems all my high school friends have moved on to bigger and better things with their lives, everyone has changed, many have travelled the world, buying houses, are engaged, married or starting a family, I look back at my life and seethat I've achieved nothing but a failed relationship that I can't even get over. It's hard to relate to pple I feel so left behind, I miss my "old" friends high school. I miss how things used to be. We've all grown up and grown apart and I feel very sad about it.
Is anybody going through what I am? Does anyone feel lonely and "left behind" in life like I do? Does anyone hide a broken heart behind a fake smile only to watch life pass you by?
I'm sorry this post is long, I've never really felt depressed like this before. *