High School Dating


#1

I am 16 years old and have never been in a serious dating relationship (or any legitimate relationship at all, for that matter).
I don't feel pressured to be in a relationship. I *like * that I'm able to have pure friendships with boys. The boys that I am close friends with respect me as their Sister in Christ and I appreciate it very much.
In summery, I'm not necessarily looking for a dating relationship. But if the possibility arises where I'd like to date someone, I'd feel unsure about the situation as a whole. I just don't see the purpose of typical high school dating as a young Catholic who has no intention of marrying until a later age.
I’m just so young that dating seems so pointless. I’ve always viewed dating as a precursor to marriage. Every date is a potential mate is a phrase I stand by.
But if I ever would want to date someone while still in high school, would it be ok? How would I go about doing that while still holding strong faith?
Regardless, it just all seems to lack a purpose.

Would you please share with your experiences from when you my age and beyond and any advice you have for me?


#2

I’m 18 myself and I’ve never dated either, we tend to think the same way about this. I can’t see dating someone seriously when I know I will be moving out of my country soon, and I have no intention of getting married until I’m at least 27. The only way I could see dating someone in high school, is if they are also a good Christian/Catholic and they won’t look for a way to get in your pants. I’m almost done with high school but that’s my reason for not dating, because I know every guy here wants the one thing I’ll say no to every time. It’s truly a waste of time unless you want more experience with how guys operate and think. My friends call me a prude because I’ve never kissed a guy, let alone other stuff. Though I do understand your want to date a nice guy to get a feel of what dating really is, I feel the same way. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find nice guys our age when most of them are on “the conquest”. Just have patience, it’s hard but that’s all we can do.


#3

There is no one answer to this, you can definitely gain valuable life experience and dating can enrich your life. It’s even possible for you to meet your future spouse when young.

It can also be a negative experience, something to distract you from your studies.

You have to decide what’s right for your life.


#4

Well I'm right in the middle of you two and I do have a gf. I do see your point in 'why date you won't get married?' but I mean some HS couples DO get married. Rare, yes. But it happens anyway. I've actually been seeing/dating/courting (whatever you want to call it) my gf for around 15 months.

At our age real dating does have little purpose (unless you strike it lucky and do find your spouse in high school) but it offers us a good view of how the 'other half lives', it shows our imperfections, and most importantly it can make us better people (or worse people if the relationship isn't focused on God). I know I am a much better [moral] person now that I'm dating.

With all that said, you can't be in a promiscuious (excuse the spelling) relationship and expect the results I just listed. Those results come about only from a relationship taken seriously and is respectful to both parties.

So while serious highschool dating can be pointless, it could also be a good thing that sets a person up for real world dating (ie college and beyond) and shows their positives and negatives and what they should focus on to be better spousal material.

It is 'refining' I guess you can say :)


#5

Hi dear,
I’m 17 years old, so I know exactly where you’re coming from here. I have not had a good past with dating. I’ve been in really bad relationships. From all of that, I’ve learned a few things, and I will share them with you.
First of, you should not shut yourself away from dating. How will you know which vocation God is calling you to if you don’t go out and look for it? It is good that you are friends with guys. Try to find a healthy area to meet guys, like at a Church group or something. My Church parish has these dances all the time where teenagers can get togehter in a healthy enviroment without sex or alcohol. In fact, I met the guy I am intrested in now at one of those dances.
The best advice I can give you is to become friends with a guy first, then date him. It is important that he loves you as a person first, then as a lover second. With that, you avoid any problems with pressuring you into doing sexual acts. A big red flag in any relationship is if a guy wants you to give up your purity. Get out of there ASAP and don’t look back. It will save you a lot of trouble and hurt.
Also, don’t go looking for the guy, let him come to you. Live your life and don’t worry about it. Focus on developing yourself into the best daughter of God you can be, and if God wills it, He’ll send someone for you. It’s ok to pray for that person, and pray for guidance. For instance, I was dating this guy, and he stopped going to Church and he cheated on me. I was devistated. I went to a dance that night for Halloween and met another guy completely by random. We’re not dating or boyfriend and girlfriend, but we enjoy each other’s companionship and it could turn out that way.

Hope this makes sense. If you want to talk any more about it, PM me.

-Jeanne


#6

[quote="Flamingo, post:1, topic:186911"]
I am 16 years old and have never been in a serious dating relationship (or any legitimate relationship at all, for that matter).
I don't feel pressured to be in a relationship. I *like * that I'm able to have pure friendships with boys. The boys that I am close friends with respect me as their Sister in Christ and I appreciate it very much.
In summery, I'm not necessarily looking for a dating relationship. But if the possibility arises where I'd like to date someone, I'd feel unsure about the situation as a whole. I just don't see the purpose of typical high school dating as a young Catholic who has no intention of marrying until a later age.
I’m just so young that dating seems so pointless. I’ve always viewed dating as a precursor to marriage. Every date is a potential mate is a phrase I stand by.
But if I ever would want to date someone while still in high school, would it be ok? How would I go about doing that while still holding strong faith?
Regardless, it just all seems to lack a purpose.

Would you please share with your experiences from when you my age and beyond and any advice you have for me?

[/quote]

First of all, I wasn't allowed to date until I was 19 and my family made sure there was no opporunity. I felt like I was cloistered. Some kids said they snuck out, I dunno if it was my strict Italian Catholic family, but there was no escape for me :p Anyway, I am eterally grateful for being kept out of trouble, that's for sure. My first BF was a friend of the family and would not have dared to not tow the line. In addition, I feel that at 19 I was given a solid foundation, and was adamantly unwilling to go against the moral teachings of my family. That said, I was never pressured to do something immoral, and no matter how much you like a guy, don't ever let him pressure into doing something immoral.

That said, like you, I thought then, and now, that a high school relationship was a relationship going no where. That's not to say that you might meet someone and really really like that person and develop a romantic relationship with them, and I've known people who actually married their HS sweetheart, but in general I agree with you.

However, if you find yourself drawn to that special guy, just use your brain and the morals and values you know to be correct, and follow them. If it's okay with your parents, go ahead and have fun. The rules don't say you can't have fun: go to the movies, go for a walk, study together, go shopping together, you know, doing good clean fun things. But I am adamant that a girl should not ever be unattended with a guy for a good long time (mom upstairs, family around, within earshot). If you're going to listen to any advice, listen to that please. Hang out in places where there are other people and don't be in each other's homes when you're alone. And follow your parents' rules - always.

Also, keep going to Church, Communion and keep praying.


#7

No one can make that decision for you, doll; as flyingfish said there is no one right answer. Even so, this is a fave subject and I feel compelled to insert my own bias. Keep in mind that I was once 16 (:eek:) and now am an aged 20-something.
I think you have a very mature approach: just a few comments here.
Getting romantically involved WILL interrupt your studies. It may be to a small extent (if you are lucky), or it could dramatically decrease your grades. That is very, very, bad. Colleges LOVE high grades, and if you choose to apply for scholarships, many of those programs do as well.
You change a LOT b4 your mid-twenties. (You always do, but @ this age it is especially pronounced). You may not recognise that guy you liked in five or so years.
You did say you have no intention of getting married till later. This could change if you meet the “right” guy, but if this is a gut-level conviction that you have, by all means accommodate it - NEVER feel compelled to do “typical h/s dating” as you call it, just to be a joiner.
Also: just my opinion, but if you have had good male role models, and know what kinds of things in a guy you are and are not willing to put up with, you can find these things out in a general sense by knowing a guy as friends; adding a romantic component to the relationship isn’t necessarily going to make you think more clearly. :stuck_out_tongue: So if you find a guy you can’t live without, go for it, but at this age dating someone who is sorta nice to see if he is more compatible is like asking to make your life more complicated. I hope that makes sense. Bottom line: you are right to not take a casual approach to dating.


#8

In my opinion, the only way to date this young is to double date/group date. That way, you're never alone and it's more comfortable to have good friends around you.


#9

I didn't really date in high school, unless you count dances... but my 'dates' to the dances were always friends, it wasn't a romantic thing. I don't feel like I missed anything important.


#10

Thanks for all the responses everyone! It's so incredibly helpful because where I live there are not many people who share similar thoughts on dating, with all due respect.

I'm going to be completely open because right now I feel slightly confused about God's plan for me. There's this boy I recently have grown closer friends with. We're not dating, but in a way I feel like the relationship between us is what I recognize as courting. He's a very splendid young gentleman and we both have high respects for one another. The best way to describe what's between us is sort of a hands-off policy. We rarely come in physical contact with the expectation of a quick hug (any other contact that occurs is just a brushing off elbows as we walk by one another), so our relationship is in no way tainted by physical intimacy.
We accompany each other to various functions and overall it’s a lovely relationship between us. It’s just that I feel that what’s going on between us is…I don’t know how to describe it really. We’re both aware that we fit into the category of courting, rather than dating (we both recognize there is a difference between the two of those).
I don’t think it’s considered dating, because we rarely see each other outside of groups and when we do they are in close premises. It’s almost as if neither of us wants to consider it dating because we disagree with the intentions that are so commonly found in dating? But we both consider courting as something you do before marriage and neither of us would have ever thought that becoming married so young was part of God’s plan for either of us so we are hesitant to ever recognize our relationship as courting. Not necessarily this young, of course, but before we graduate from college or something.

I don’t know if any of this is making sense, I apologize. I’m just so puzzled about everything that’s going on.


#11

[quote="Flamingo, post:10, topic:186911"]
Thanks for all the responses everyone! It's so incredibly helpful because where I live there are not many people who share similar thoughts on dating, with all due respect.

I'm going to be completely open because right now I feel slightly confused about God's plan for me. There's this boy I recently have grown closer friends with. We're not dating, but in a way I feel like the relationship between us is what I recognize as courting. He's a very splendid young gentleman and we both have high respects for one another. The best way to describe what's between us is sort of a hands-off policy. We rarely come in physical contact with the expectation of a quick hug (any other contact that occurs is just a brushing off elbows as we walk by one another), so our relationship is in no way tainted by physical intimacy.
We accompany each other to various functions and overall it’s a lovely relationship between us. It’s just that I feel that what’s going on between us is…I don’t know how to describe it really. We’re both aware that we fit into the category of courting, rather than dating (we both recognize there is a difference between the two of those).
I don’t think it’s considered dating, because we rarely see each other outside of groups and when we do they are in close premises. It’s almost as if neither of us wants to consider it dating because we disagree with the intentions that are so commonly found in dating? But we both consider courting as something you do before marriage and neither of us would have ever thought that becoming married so young was part of God’s plan for either of us so we are hesitant to ever recognize our relationship as courting. Not necessarily this young, of course, but before we graduate from college or something.

I don’t know if any of this is making sense, I apologize. I’m just so puzzled about everything that’s going on.

[/quote]

That's how it should be. And you should keep up your relationship with this guy. Because courting leads to dating...then dating leads to enagement...and engagement leads to marriage. You should keep seeing this young man, and if you feel ready to take your relationship to the next level, then make it official. You can be boyfriend and girlfriend without physicial intimacy. One of my best friends and her boyfriend are a great example of this. They courted, then they made their relationship official, boyfriend and girlfriend. They waited some more before they kissed...and not a making out kiss...like a peck. Then they waited some more before they told each other I love you in a romantic way. It's all about growth. And that growth will eventually lead to marriage, if God wills it.
Keep up your relationship with this guy. Fall in love with him as a friend first. True love is in sickness and health, good times and bad, rich or poor. If you think he feels for you that way, and he does too...then take it to the next level.

-Jeanne


#12

Could you (or anyone) please elaborate maybe a little more on courting vs dating? I always was taught they are different from each other in the sense that they’re different paths to take?

What I feel for him is different than what I’ve ever felt for any other guy I’ve encountered before. For lack of a better explanation, with other young gentlemen in the past it’s more of a crush/wow-he-has-gorgeous-eyes type deal. Whereas with him, it’s a respectful love. It’s entirerly different and I don’t know if I’m explaining it accurately.


#13

[quote="Flamingo, post:12, topic:186911"]
Could you (or anyone) please elaborate maybe a little more on courting vs dating? I always was taught they are different from each other in the sense that they're different paths to take?

What I feel for him is different than what I've ever felt for any other guy I've encountered before. For lack of a better explanation, with other young gentlemen in the past it's more of a crush/wow-he-has-gorgeous-eyes type deal. Whereas with him, it's a respectful love. It's entirerly different and I don't know if I'm explaining it accurately.

[/quote]

chastity.com/chastity-qa/dating/dating

That should help ;)


#14

[quote="coolduude, post:13, topic:186911"]
chastity.com/chastity-qa/dating/dating

That should help ;)

[/quote]

I absolutely love chastity.com!

Overall I just suppose that I am confused about continuing this relationship. We're not simply friends, but we're not dating and neither of us really feels a strong desire too. It's just that I don't know if the median that we have is an appropriate thing considering it does fit into the category of courting (at least I think it does!) and I always thought that was a precursor to marriage and we're just both so young.


#15

Courting is like being friends with a guy…except a little more. Some people call it seeing each other or being together. It means that you can go out with groups of friends or to a dance together…you have fun together, and you both care for each other. But…it’s not a serious relationship. It’s just a casual thing, there isn’t any commitment to keep going out. (If you want to take it to the next level with a guy you are courting you should not see other guys. But if you go out with a guy a few times and you’re not feeling it…then stop seeing him in that way) There is no kissing or physical stuff…except maybe hugs or holding hands.
When a couple has been courting for a while, and they realize that their feelings for each other are growing, they will start dating or “going steady.” that is a commitment. In the old days, guys used to give girls rings when they were going steady. That means that you have feelings for that person and want to be with him. This is when you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. If this would work out, it would lead to engagement then marriage. But sometimes it dosen’t. When a boy asks you to be his girlfriend, it means that you like him enough that you want to keep seeing him on a deeper level than a casual thing. You are intrested in him.

-Jeanne


#16

[quote="jeanne71350, post:15, topic:186911"]
Courting is like being friends with a guy...except a little more. Some people call it seeing each other or being together. It means that you can go out with groups of friends or to a dance together...you have fun together, and you both care for each other. But...it's not a serious relationship. It's just a casual thing, there isn't any commitment to keep going out. (If you want to take it to the next level with a guy you are courting you should not see other guys. But if you go out with a guy a few times and you're not feeling it...then stop seeing him in that way) There is no kissing or physical stuff...except maybe hugs or holding hands.
When a couple has been courting for a while, and they realize that their feelings for each other are growing, they will start dating or "going steady." that is a commitment. In the old days, guys used to give girls rings when they were going steady. That means that you have feelings for that person and want to be with him. This is when you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. If this would work out, it would lead to engagement then marriage. But sometimes it dosen't. When a boy asks you to be his girlfriend, it means that you like him enough that you want to keep seeing him on a deeper level than a casual thing. You are intrested in him.

-Jeanne

[/quote]

I'm still really confused because according to various sources there is a clear differance between courting and dating.
I haven't read through this entire page yet but here's an excerpt:

The main difference between dating and courtship involves the goals to be reached by spending time with a potential marriage partner. **Men and women who choose to date often have no commitment to consider marrying the other person. **Maturity and readiness for marriage are not considerations in the decision to date. Instead, couples usually date with the selfish goals of having fun and enjoying romantic attachments.

In contrast, courtship is undertaken only when both parties are prepared to make a commitment to marriage. Dating tries to answer the question, How can I find the one who will make me happy? Courtship strives to answer the question, How can I honor God and discern His direction regarding my life partner?

ati.iblp.org/ati/supportlink/kb/questions/55/

Chastity.com has a page about courting too:
chastity.com/node/131


#17

[quote="Flamingo, post:16, topic:186911"]
I'm still really confused because according to various sources there is a clear differance between courting and dating.
I haven't read through this entire page yet but here's an excerpt:

ati.iblp.org/ati/supportlink/kb/questions/55/

Chastity.com has a page about courting too:
chastity.com/node/131

[/quote]

I think I'm flip-flopping the terms. People call it different things. I'm sorry if I confused you.

-Jeanne


#18

[quote="jeanne71350, post:17, topic:186911"]
I think I'm flip-flopping the terms. People call it different things. I'm sorry if I confused you.

-Jeanne

[/quote]

Oh it's ok!
I just still am unsure of where to take the relationship at this point.


#19

[quote="Flamingo, post:18, topic:186911"]
Oh it's ok!
I just still am unsure of where to take the relationship at this point.

[/quote]

Pray about it. Trust in God, He will show you the right path. It sounds cliche, but it's true.


#20

Based from what I’ve read you’re (Flamingo) at a crossroads- you’re still friends with this guy but it’s getting a little (for lack of a better word) intimate. By ‘intimate’ I mean that you two are developing real, true love with no physical side to it. And that is a very, very good thing.

If this keeps up I predict a long friendship with a good (dating) relationship (that is if the physical attraction is there).

Do you get what I’m saying?


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