His parents hate me,I need your advice please!


#1

Hi Everyone,

I am in serious need of advice,opinions ect.I will try to be as brief as possible.I Have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 11+ years now.It started when we were both teens and now well into adulthood.At first,we had a long distance relationship but he has now moved near me to further our relationship and is getting a great education too.Problem we're having is with his parents.They have hated me from the start and it's only getting worse.The reason they hate me,and I've heard this myself,is that I'm not Catholic,I'm too tall,too overweight,didn't go to college and have a disability therefor I am not a good person.

I have tried so hard to become friends with his Mother and she'll be so nice when speaking directly to me,then turn around and say such hurtful things to him,about me.He is going on 26,we're both adults and both very much in love but this is really starting to affect him.Tonight,I overheard a conversation between the two of them,it hurt me deeply.She was saying that I am not going to have kids because I'm disabled and not able to care for them(Which isn't true).His dad is the same way and will not listen to his Son at all when it comes to me.He(the dad)is trying to get him(my love)to go find other"girls",and it simply sickens my love to hear about this.

She is constantly talking about others who are different and gossiping,crazy stuff to hear and I can't imagine that this is what the Catholic faith teaches?I've attended The Church of Christ most of my life,and those are certainly not things that are taught.My Love is also Catholic and he doesn't agree with that behavior either so I hope it is just her and not OK to do as a Catholic Christian?

My love gets call through the day and it is always negative about me and it really is getting to him.I sometimes feel like he takes his frustration out on me..This makes me so sad and I really don't know what to do or where to turn.We pray about the situation,but seems they will never accept us and will spend the rest of their days thinking of ways to make him miserable...What else can we do?Ending our relationship is not an option.We are deeply in Love and plan on our future together,but as soon as the next call comes in from his parents,he gets depressed and seems to shut down and doesn't want to deal with it at all...I suppose he doesn't know how to deal with it,or stop it?I didn't know where else to turn so I thought I'd give you all a try...Thanks so much for listening and any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated!

-Feeling a bit lost:(


#2

Either your beau mans up, asks for your hand and tells his parents to say something nice or nothing at all... or you will deal with this FOREVER... guaranteed. I've been there. It takes EXTREME circumstances for them to come around.

And NO, this is not how a Good Catholic acts. It's one thing to encourage your children to marry in the faith. It's another to break commandments (baring false witness) in order to "discourage" a child from marrying who they want to.


#3

I agree with faithfully. Your man is 26, high time for him to cut the apron strings. Are they financially supporting him? If not, they have no say. And no, this behavior is not OK, for a Catholic or otherwise. She is certainly not acting in a Christlike manner.

But your guy needs to man up and set some boundaries with his parents. He needs to tell them, "This is the woman I love, if you can't accept that then we have nothing to talk about" They cannot make him miserable unless he allows it. He can refuse the phone calls. He can limit visits. He can make it clear that he expects for you to be treated with respect and kindness.

If he is unable/unwilling to do that, your problem is bigger than just his parents, and you have to take a really hard look at whether you want to spend your life being married to a man who won't man up.


#4

What you are dealing with now is what you will be dealing with for the rest of your relationship with him. Break up. You have had eleven years of red flags. Do you need more time to think about it?


#5

#6

I agree with what everyone else has written.

I dated my husband for 6 years, from age 16 through age 22, before we got married.

My daugher dated her husband for 7 years, from age 14 through age 21, before they got married.

So I understand long-time dating arrangements.

But 11 years is too long to "be in a relationship" (does this mean having sex, BTW?). And you are both plenty old enough to get married.

After reading your post, I personally believe that this man will never marry you. I think he and his parents are in a dysfunctional family, and you have had the misfortune to get involved with this family. If I were you, I would get out and start building a life. You sound like an intelligent person, in spite of your disadvantages--everyone has things about their life that are not perfect. Big deal. Go with what you have and enjoy your life.

But I agree with everyone else that you should at least give him a chance--one more chance and that's it. You've given him plenty of chances already.

Show him this thread. Tell him that the two of you get married, break away from his parents (see them once a month or so for lunch or dinner), and that if they even look crossways at you, he speaks up and tells them to knock it off, and if they refuse, the TWO of you leave.

At any rate, whether or not the two of you stay together (and I hope that you do not), you should NOT allow yourself to be denigrated by these horrible people any longer. Do NOT spend any more time around them. Tell your "love" that you are not going to subject yourself to a mental and emotional beating ever again. You need to spend time with positive people who will affirm your uniqueness and talents, and be friends with you because they like you and enjoy being around you. Spending time with such toxic people will cause you to doubt yourself and lose all your confidence. It will also undermine your faith in God--it already has, because you are not sure how Christian people should act. The answer, as others have said, is that Christians don't tear each other up and devour each other. Get away from these twisted people and stay away from their very bizarre family.


#7

11 years is a long time to be in a relationship without knowing where it is headed. Has the topic of marriage come up yet? If you’ve been living together, it’s easy to fall into a routine and think marriage is an unecessary next step that you can put off indefinitely, but it’s really not. You need to find out right now what his intentions are. Is he going to marry you or keep stringing you along for 11 more years?

You also need to determine just how dependent he is on his parents and whether he can stand up to them. If you two get engaged, his parents are going to double the pressure on their son to leave you and he needs to be able to tell them to back off and stick to his guns. A real man would not allow someone to berate the woman in his life the way his parents have. He would tell them it’s not acceptable and that he’s hanging up the phone/leaving the house/etc. if it happens again.

If his ties to his parents are stronger than his ties to you, you’re in for a bumpy ride and it’s never going to get better. If that turns out to be the case. you need to decide whether it’s something you can live with or whether you should look for someone else.


#8

The two of you have to decide whether or not you will get married regardless of his parents objections.

Don't expect them to "come around".

You most likely are going to have to move forward without their blessing or support.

The scriptures teach that a man is to leave his mother and father and to cling to his wife.

There is wisdom in that.


#9

[quote="xxtrasweet, post:1, topic:222513"]
Hi Everyone,

I am in serious need of advice,opinions ect.I will try to be as brief as possible.I Have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 11+ years now.It started when we were both teens and now well into adulthood.At first,we had a long distance relationship but he has now moved near me to further our relationship and is getting a great education too.Problem we're having is with his parents.They have hated me from the start and it's only getting worse.
. . .
My love gets call through the day and it is always negative about me and it really is getting to him.I sometimes feel like he takes his frustration out on me..

[/quote]

11 years does not sound like a relation ship that is going anywhere, especially as it has been long distance most of the time. furthermore a 26 year old man should no longer be under the thumb of his parents. If he cannot commit his undivided loyalty to you he is not ready for marriage. Do not expect that to change if you force him into marriage. If he allows them to abuse you, and then "takes his frustration out" on you, he is moreover at least emotionally immature and not marriage material in any case.

I suspect there is a lot more to this story, and that any idea of a real relationship is more your perception and desire than his. We will be praying for you.


#10

I basically agree with the other posters.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with a single person seeking advice from those he trusts the most. I hope that someday my children will still count me as someone worth advising them when they are adults.

HOWEVER, the closer you get to marrying someone, the more "those you trust the most" should become your significant other, and the less advice you should require about that relationship.

It's not necessarily WRONG for parents to discuss their concerns about an adult child's girlfriend. But the adult child needs to either decide that he agrees with his parents and end the relationship, or that he disagrees with his parents, and thank them for their advice and move on. It should not be an ongoing conversation, as though the relationship is between the 4 of you. So if your boyfriend STILL can not stop them from interfering, it's either because he doesn't completely disagree with them or because he is incapable of setting appropriate boundaries. That is HIS issue that he needs to either show immediate progress on, or I wouldn't recommend staying with him.

One thing I noticed is that you said that he is Catholic and you are Church of Christ, correct. I have to say, if this is what the parents are concerned about, I would agree with them. Not that this gives them the right to harp incessantly to your boyfriend about it if he has already set limits. He is and adult and can make his own choice. But I would like you to consider that a marriage between 2 people of different religions will likely have major difficulties when it comes to raising your children in faith. For a Catholic to get legitimately married, he must agree to do everything in his power to raise his future children as Catholics. I don't know much about your denomination, but I would guess that you might want to raise your children with your beliefs. You and your boyfriend might not even think that this is quite so important now. But most parents find themselves caring a lot more about those details after the baby is born. And as children are being raised, it starts to become more and more clear that there are some very important differences. Just look through some of the threads on this forum, and you'll see how much heartache can happen as a result of disagreement over what to teach the kids.

So your boyfriend's parents aside, I would urge you to consider the religion issue carefully. No Catholics shouldn't act badly, as your bf's parents seem to be. But they SHOULD raise their children Catholic, and this is something you have to really come to terms with BEFORE it is too late.


#11

Not everyone in this life is going to like you or us, my friend. Get used to this now.

Just be yourself.


#12

I agree with most of the other posters here. 11 years is a long time, have you considered marriage? If you are, the two of you have to start working together. Your man needs to set appropriate boundaries with his parents. It's not appropriate for any man, Catholic or not, to allow his parents to treat the woman he loves in such a way. You say that you've talked to him about the way his parents talk about you? What has he done about it, or what does he plan to do? If nothing is done, this is something that will continue to happen indefinitely. Don't expect it to stop just because you get a ring on your fingers.

ThyKingdomCome brings up some good points regarding interfaith marriages. They're not impossible, but you both have to do some real thinking and talking with each other.


#13

he should already have told his parents to shut up about you, AND he should not be repeating what they say to you. That is called "triangulation," and it's very dysfunctional. If you do get married, prepare for more of this, not less. To stop doing it, he would have to be ready and willing to cut his parents completely out of his life if they can't stop making cruel and inappropriate comments. Somehow, from your description, and the fact that after 11 years you still aren't married, I doubt that he has the courage to take that stand.

Call me jaded and cynical, but I just think this isn't going to go well. You can love each other to death but the ghosts of our parents still live inside each of us...and some are still haunting us in real life.

:eek:


#14

I want to Thank you all for your input,advice and concerns on this.It has been a great help to me.I am really trying here and Everything that's been said so far has made perfect sense to the both of us.I showed him the thread and He agrees with most everything that he read and when he visits my family and I in a few days,we're going to have a serious talk about the relationship,our faith,and the future.

I'm really going to have to see some change and effort on his part and with the move here to be near me,along with other things,I really hope that he'll continue to show me growth.

To answer some questions,We are both virgins....odd at our ages,I know...I believe that should be given to your husband,and I am lucky that he understood and wanted the same thing from the start.We do not live together.He comes to my parents home for all visits and we have made the guest bedroom into his!Even if we wanted to share a bed/room,we do NOT and my Father is very watchful of that also.lol :thumbsup:

I hope the both of us can grow and come to a more clear understanding so that we can start our lives together.I am open to learn more on the Catholic faith and I will put in my effort on that part as it is very important to us both.I ask that you do Pray for us,for God to guide me on the right path.

With Love,
-Me


#15

I have commitment issues too-but 11 years?!

Time to move on. Sorry. I'm a guy, 31 years old, and like I said, I openly admit I would drag my feet about the marriage issue. But 11 years signifies a subconscious desire to NEVER commit.


#16

[quote="xxtrasweet, post:14, topic:222513"]
I want to Thank you all for your input,advice and concerns on this.It has been a great help to me.I am really trying here and Everything that's been said so far has made perfect sense to the both of us.I showed him the thread and He agrees with most everything that he read and when he visits my family and I in a few days,we're going to have a serious talk about the relationship,our faith,and the future.

I'm really going to have to see some change and effort on his part and with the move here to be near me,along with other things,I really hope that he'll continue to show me growth.

To answer some questions,We are both virgins....odd at our ages,I know...I believe that should be given to your husband,and I am lucky that he understood and wanted the same thing from the start.We do not live together.He comes to my parents home for all visits and we have made the guest bedroom into his!Even if we wanted to share a bed/room,we do NOT and my Father is very watchful of that also.lol :thumbsup:

I hope the both of us can grow and come to a more clear understanding so that we can start our lives together.I am open to learn more on the Catholic faith and I will put in my effort on that part as it is very important to us both.I ask that you do Pray for us,for God to guide me on the right path.

With Love,
-Me

[/quote]

You sound like a wonderful person. There is nothing odd with being a virgin - counter-cultural, morally-correct, but not odd. His parents may express concerns but they should not be uncharitable. I would say that 11 years is a long time to be discerning marriage however and I would worry about his committment level. I do want to ask - and please do not think ill of me as I am trying to bring this up in the most kind way possible - but is your disability one that would leave extra time for discernment especially since you two started dating as teenagers? That is something that only you can answer but since some of these things come full on in early adulthood if it is a new problem that could take some getting used to for everyone including yourself. Also are you learning more about Catholicism in order to convert because you are interested, just to learn, or to make his family happy. These are questions only you can answer and you certainly do not have to but if you are comfortable answering them feel rree.


#17

Good Morning,

I do hope the day is good to you all.

I would like to answer the poster above and others who are wondering about the very same thing.I have a bone disease which have led to several operations and alot of work,there is still work to be done.He was aware of this from day one and we started out as best friends which we still are.

We have spoken about marriage and we want to do things the right way.I do want him to complete Graduate School(which he's working on now)I want him to do everything in life that he wants to,and would never want to hold him back.

Another poster asked about my interest in the Catholic Faith....The reason I wish to learn more is because I truly have not spent enough time with it.I owe it to Him to educate myself more on this because it is so important to him.I am not doing that to try and please his parents at all.His Mother is Catholic and Father is not(Lutheran) I Believe,but not really going to church anywhere.

I do have a quick question for you all....OK,He is planning on spending Christmas vacation with my Family and I this year,we really needed this time together and I am so very excited about this.His mother has been telling him that he is sinning by staying under the same roof as I do.He has told her the honest truth,we have nothing to hide as I mentioned before.When he visits,he sleeps in the guest bedroom and I can not see how by him spending this time with my parents and I,that he can not sleep in the home at all?She claims her friends who are also Catholic,agree with her....I am not so sure she's telling the truth about that though.What are your views?

Thank you all again,I Wish I had come here sooner!

God Bless,
-Me:)


#18

There is no sin in that situation. His parents are not representing Catholicism very well.


#19

[quote="xxtrasweet, post:17, topic:222513"]
Good Morning,

I do hope the day is good to you all.

I would like to answer the poster above and others who are wondering about the very same thing.I have a bone disease which have led to several operations and alot of work,there is still work to be done.He was aware of this from day one and we started out as best friends which we still are.

We have spoken about marriage and we want to do things the right way.I do want him to complete Graduate School(which he's working on now)I want him to do everything in life that he wants to,and would never want to hold him back.

Another poster asked about my interest in the Catholic Faith....The reason I wish to learn more is because I truly have not spent enough time with it.I owe it to Him to educate myself more on this because it is so important to him.I am not doing that to try and please his parents at all.His Mother is Catholic and Father is not(Lutheran) I Believe,but not really going to church anywhere.

I do have a quick question for you all....OK,He is planning on spending Christmas vacation with my Family and I this year,we really needed this time together and I am so very excited about this.His mother has been telling him that he is sinning by staying under the same roof as I do.He has told her the honest truth,we have nothing to hide as I mentioned before.When he visits,he sleeps in the guest bedroom and I can not see how by him spending this time with my parents and I,that he can not sleep in the home at all?She claims her friends who are also Catholic,agree with her....I am not so sure she's telling the truth about that though.What are your views?

Thank you all again,I Wish I had come here sooner!

God Bless,
-Me:)

[/quote]

He should be able to complete grad school at the same time he is married. My husband finished his Masters while married with two toddler daughters. My daughter got married right before starting grad school, and she finished last summer (and got a job within two days of getting her Doctorate.)

It's another excuse for not getting married soon. Again, I advise you both to stop stalling.

It is not a sin for a couple to spend the night under the same roof, especially since there are separate bedrooms and your parents are there to chaperone. Like I said, your "love's" parents are toxic. Don't listen to anything they say.

And stop making up excuses. Get married. Soon. Within weeks. OR...end this "relationship." If you can, try to remain friends, but you need to move on.


#20

OK, I hope you don't mind but I am going to number my points because I need to keep them organized for my own sake:

1) I think you are dealing with a tough disability and so is he. While some posters are saying marriage I can see one big reason to wait until one of you is working full time with benefits with your disability: Medical Insurance. So please when I say everything else keep that in the back of your head. Your family will have a tough time if it cannot support itself.

2) On that note I would not recommend learning about Catholicism from him as he has learned about Catholicism from his parents. I would recommend enrolling in an RCIA program. You do not have to take the Sacraments at the end if you don't want and can even go for a number of years to keep learning if you want but this is the best way to get Church approved teaching.

3) If you were staying in a home where it was you and him alone that would be an occasion for sin as well as scandal. This is not it. However, I would recommend you and him sit down and have a long talk about why you are waiting until after grad school. Grad schools have married housing. Financial aid would see him as an independent student. He might actually get more aid and better housing, not that this is a reason but that it is more a plus than a minus.

4) What are your plans for the future? You must want something.


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