Holding a grudge?


So this loved one of mine, a really close one in fact, did something that really hurt me many months ago. Until now, she hasn’t apologized about it and doesn’t seem to suspect any harm with it in fact, but it is still angering me deeply and causing almost hateful feelings to pop up whenever i see her, but of course this doesn’t lead to actions such as ignoring her, resenting her in public and such. I still treat her normally but not as loving as before.

Is telling her of what she did to me okay? Like I confront her about the topic and I tell her how she has wronged me then await her apology. Because I feel that that will really remove the grudge off me. Or should I just say forgive without confronting her about the issue?

Advice would be appreciated, thanks :slight_smile:


Edit: Actually, it could also be a fault on my part too. I particularly struggle with the sin of pride and cannot take being offended nor embarrassed that easily, though I don’t react in public it still affects me greatly. So, actually the specific action was sort of laugh at me along with her friends when I was messed up and made a fool of myself.

Would the best option be just leaving the issue as it is without confronting her about it (due to my pride) or should I confront her about it and remove the grudge off myself?

Also extra question: Would this grudge be considered mortal sin? I don’t act any different towards her but it just makes me feel really angry


I think this may well be as you say in your second post, YOUR problem. ie YOUR reaction and maybe now you have realised this things will ease.

I would hesitate to raise the issue after this time lapse, and to deal with it yourself.

Perception is not fact and is often one sided,


If you were messed up and made a fool **of yourself ** the anger should be at yourself for doing so, not at your friend, no matter how close you are.

You should leave it alone as the person you should have the grudge with is not her, but yourself. Remove the grudge off yourself by apologizing for your behavior or whatever you did while you were messed up. Clearly, being messed up gives you poor judgement.


You should only talk to her if you are doing so out of concern for her. If you want to confront her to make yourself feel better, then no don’t do it; it’s your problem, not her’s.

If you are sensitive to humiliation, I would suggest some introspection as to why that is. Also, don’t get messed up (i’m assuming you mean with alcohol or drugs?).


Its difficult to respond to this without knowing the details, because I can think of several scenarios that would have me handing out different advice’s… Not saying that for you to divulge information here… no! But just saying I hope that with the following paragraphs, I may be able to help you with this.

My advice:don’t confront until the hateful feelings that you said are popping up have dissipated… to the point of it not even bothering you anymore. My concern is, if you confront her before that happens, if you don’t get the reaction you are desiring from her if you went to confront her, things could pop up again and then get worse. escalate.

I think I heard somewhere a long time ago when there is heated feelings, to walk away- don’t say anything as long as it takes for those feelings to subside and more understanding slips in, with time, prayer and meditation on the subject to really get a grip on the situation. Often what we think it SO important to us, in time we see it was really not that bad or not worth the problems a very bad argument/fight/separation that can happen because of intense emotions- hatred, passion, what-have-you. Wars get started from even little things… its true. I also was taught to forgive immediately. … for your own heart and soul the same as for God too, because nothing eats away at peace like hatred and anger. (Even if its righteous- with that scenario all we have is to trust in God that He is working something out of it) God controls all… And our lives run like a schooling for love and all is a test… What we do with our love (or no love) is our gift to God. We are to glorify* God**/I] with our actions. Not ourselves. If one feels they can’t do that, maybe best let it sit for a long while and take the issue (confront the issue the feelings) in prayer with God… the One who sees all, knows all and has the bird’s eye vision to direct you in a way you can have peace in.

Ask yourself, what would be the best, most loving most glorifying way that this problem can outcome? Keep in mind all that *YOU *can do, not the other… you can’t control others one iota, and not everyone responds in kind. Sad fact of life. (Sometimes they aren’t even guilty of anything either… some are very ignorant, like children without loving guidance, some are just ‘hungry’ and devoid of what they really need and don’t know it.)

Look at it this way... View this friend that hurt you as if she were a newborn baby or young child (yours) and then let yourself spill the same hate onto that person (as a child or baby)...   can you do it?   Could you still be as angry?  What if God transformed this person you are angry with and put her into your arms as a baby?   What would you do?   OR if this was your beloved child and you witnessed her do it to another child...  how would you handle it?   I think most people would be much more kind if it was themselves, or their child (or someone they very much care about).  Every person is a potential saint-  as God wants them to be with Him in heaven.     

Think of the reward of heaven… is this worth loosing it? If not, be cautious take this slow- time is a great healer, but it is also the great* reveal-er. * There may not be things you can see yet at this point… maybe in time, you will know more… information that might make you see things differently, and your tense fist loosen. … And see if you can look within at your own heart and its own hurt. You know, God can heal, and he can even miraculously rejuvenate… ask Him to help you take this anger away. He wants us to do His will and if we are serious about doing it, He will help… if its His will. You must believe though. No half halfheartedness- but keep asking anyway. Jesus made himself clear in the Scriptures about what happens to those who hate their brother. Jesus cries tears over lost souls. Yours or another.

I’d say if you have to ask here, you are not very clear about the situation yet (And that’s ok) … so take some more time. What is it you want in confrontation? What are you hoping for? What if you don’t get your desired outcome when doing it?! What then?! By thew ay, with all I have said, I am not saying don’t confront her… I’m just saying, I think you need more time to think about this. To know what you want, to know what you’d be able to handle as outcomes, to know what God wants of you… for the benefit of all. The person you are angry with very well may NEED to be confronted! But with love. No anger- trust me, they will ‘smell’ it, even if you are being ‘nice’… and it won’t work. There’s got to be honest to goodness love there, for this person, from God through your heart towards this person. Otherwise, there is a scripture that talks about getting beaten up… !

Forgiveness is VERY DIFFICULT!!! But do it sincerely with full heart… no lying to self and doing it as a gimpy reaction of “obedience” (Which I guess is better than not at all but it does not bring peace…. which I think you are doing this now, because the root of this has not been nipped, it still festers within you… you said you have not acted on your anger, but its still there) , but a true heart with real love that came from God and His Holy Spirit is peace. Of what does this matter mean in view of eternity? Why are you still hanging on to it? (I don’t say that flippantly against you, no, it is normal to feel angry when we are wronged, or even feel wronged… just as a question that needs to be addressed within you- the why of it- from that answer to that question, you’ll be able to so to speak pull out the pus and get to the infection. Clean the wound, so that it can heal and you to be healthy and happy again.

Reach out to God!!! He is there for you beautiful soul. May God bless you. Please pray for me too, if you can.*


Praying for you to find peace with this issue. If you can, speak to the person about it. If not, share it with God or a priest or counselor. Just do not tell it to anyone who will listen. Before you say prayers, say God, please bless___ with all her needs. Pray for her. Write it in a journal. The apology you are waiting for may never come. Only if she agrees to settle the issue with you and you both talk about it. And the longer you wait, the harder it will be. Unfortunately, you are feeling disappointed and the other person is enjoying life. You can try to talk to her privately about it, if it doesn’t get resolved, it will not be your fault. You offered the olive branch. You can only control what you do, you cannot control what she will do. God understands. He is in the middle of this. He can handle it. You can always pray for her even though you do not become besties. I admire you for still being cordial with her. Just my opinion. I do understand.


I’ve cooled down a bit on the issue, I think it was just cherishing an unforgiving spirit on my part. Thank you Rosebud :slight_smile:


You’re right. Looking back on the issue I messed up in the first place so I have no right to be angry. Thank you Irishmom :slight_smile:


Hmm yeah, I was also pondering that if I spoke to her about this I probably would attempt to make her feel bad instead of doing it out of love. Thankfully I didn’t.

And about the sensitive to humiliation part it’s due to me being a shy person with anxiety :frowning: so I get offended rather easily but I’m working on this :thumbsup:

And noooo haha I’m way too young to even take alcohol or drugs and I have no intention of doing so. Thank you 1Lord1Faith :slight_smile:


Really detailed advice, thank you AnneElizabeth, it really helped loads :smiley:

(Couldn’t quote out your entire paragraph as CatholicForums restricted me to post to up to only 6000 characters long :()

Will keep you in my prayers definitely, God bless you too :slight_smile:


I’ve gotten over about it already, it was mainly fault on my part. Thank you acadiANNA :slight_smile:


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