A couple of years ago I reached a low point in my life. Every thing that could possibly go wrong had done so - Big Time. My marriage had ended in disaster, funding for my job ended and I was left unemployed and eventually found myself homeless and living in a tent. Even my old collie dog up and died right in the middle of everything. I was in my early 50’s and everything I had ever believed in had just disappeared.
I kept trying to get my life back on track but it seemed every direction I set off in just ended up in a blind alley. Finally I just gave up and resigned myself to a sort of self induced paralysis - basically too frightened to do anything in case of yet another failure.
I was fortunate in having met someone who steered me towards the Catholic church. I just turned up one night at the Priests’ asking if I could go to his Church. That was a big step for me - a final and public recognition and humiliation that I was unable to cope on my own.
Since that night, I’ve become obsessed with reading the bible and finding out everything I can about the teachings of the Church. Without the Church there really is nothing else that is positive in my life. My Deacon tells me that it is the Holy Spirit working through me.
Some times I agree with him but of late I’m beginning to suspect it’s just a way of me avoiding life and that whilst I should continue with the Church I really should be doing more to get my life back on track. I pray constantly for courage and direction but I still feel lost and unsure and guilty.