'Honor thy mother and thy father'....how?


#1

I'll give some background to this question, and all will become clear. I also apologize if this seems like I'm going on and on about this issue.

Anyway, it has been drummed into my head pretty much from the beginning that the Bible commands respect for parents, and by extension grandparents and elder relatives.

Major problem I have? I have a family who seemingly care little for anything of what I want and seem to still see me as a child even though I'm 23. My faults, no matter how minor, are often publicized to people without any allowance for me to speak in my own defense. My wishes are often placed last, or at least behind theirs. I'm made to feel like a useless waste of time and space.

This has led to a situation where I don't even feel I can trust them with many things, and I often keep many things, whether issues in my life or my feelings, to myself. I've never told them of my treatment whilst in university for depression, or the issues with my sexuality (which eventually led me to realize I'm bisexual).

I don't honestly see what I can do to 'honor' them, or indeed why I should.


#2

i think it cases like this God would reward you more for honoring them cause its harder too God bless


#3

Remember that our goal on earth is to get to Heaven, not be perfectly happy on earth (only God can give perfect happiness because he is the supreme good).

St. Francis de Sales says that we should rejoice when we are despised by others because we can be more Christ-like in our mortifications. He then goes on to say that if we are despised by those we respect or love, we have even more reason to rejoice because of the increased amount of grace we may attain by it.

Your trials are significant, no doubt. But remember that life does not last forever, and whatever we willingly suffer here on earth will be rewarded in the life to come. By following the commandment of honoring thy father and mother under these circumstances, you are more pleasing in the eyes of God than those of us who have more forgiving parents.

God bless.


#4

I also have problems "honoring" my father and mother due to long years of emotional abuse. First, confess your anger and resentment. Second, pray for your parents, maybe a rosary. Third, when they are saying things that upset and hurt you, don't react with unkind words, try to picture how God sees them. This helps me, not all the time, but a lot of the time. Hope this helps. Peace.

P.S. I had assumed you were Catholic but even if you are not I think my advice can still work.


#5

I’m 24 and I also have a rocky relationship with my parents, in particular, with my father. It improved immensely when I moved out at 17 for college (and they moved across the country a few weeks later), but it can be very, very hard sometimes.

I start simply. When I’m feeling not-so-charitable towards them, I remember that God chose them to make me, and I’m happy I’m here. I’m also close with many of my other relatives, and I wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t been born into the family I was! My mother and father fed me and clothed me. They made sure we lived near good schools.

Some parents do more or less for their children. I’m not sure sometimes if my parents actually did “the best they could,” but I do know they put some effort into raising me and though I know I have my faults, I think I turned out OK. :wink:

You don’t have to respect your parents’ bad choices or ignore that they make them to honor them. When I stopped wanting my parents to be perfect it was a lot easier to honor them, even though I’m often glad they live so far away! :stuck_out_tongue:

Consider also that your feelings might change as your life situation changes. When I first got married a year ago, I often thought I wouldn’t want my parents to see any children I had. Now that I have a son, I miss them more often and am actually making plans to fly out to see them. It’ll be a short trip, but I’m aware that my feelings have changed a lot. Yours may too.


#6

Springboarding off this thread, why does Jesus say to follow the commandment to honor your mother and father and then elsewhere in the Bible he says.

“Do not think that I came to bring peace on Earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. *For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household." *


#7

Well, I don’t know what your situation is, but at 23, you are grown and not in the same circumstances as a minor.

That being said, are you still living at home? If so, move out. Join the military, if possible. (Marines are best, followed by Navy, Air Force, then Army.) You’ll serve your country honorably, get thousands of dollars of free training, and get to see the world.

Your parents are your parents forever. The actual words used in the Commandment, “Honor your father and mother.” are not an exact translation. Sometimes, the Hebrew doesn’t translate well into English. The word we translate as “Honor” is actually closer to the word “Glorify.” So, as an adult, you can “glorify” your parents. Disrespecting them is the opposite and not acceptable.

Sounds like it’s time to broaden your horizons, though. If you’re not able to join the military, maybe you could consider being a foreign missionary for the Catholic Church for a year or so. It would be interesting, and you would learn a lot and experience a lot of different things.

And just FYI, human beings only come in two sexualities: male and female. All the rest is behavior, and a choice, not an identification.


#8

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:6, topic:251423"]
Springboarding off this thread, why does Jesus say to follow the commandment to honor your mother and father and then elsewhere in the Bible he says.

“Do not think that I came to bring peace on Earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. *For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household." *

[/quote]

Is it possible that Jesus is saying that you must be willing enough to serve God even if you family doesn't want you to. Many saints were discouraged by their family. (St. Francis of Assisi was disinherited, St. Thomas Aquinas was arrested and jailed for 18 months by his mother, etc.)

And FYI, neuroscience has proven orientation is involuntary.

Godspeed,
Teenage Philosopher


#9

[quote="Kouyate42, post:1, topic:251423"]
.....Major problem I have? I have a family who seemingly care little for anything of what I want and seem to still see me as a child even though I'm 23. My faults, no matter how minor, are often publicized to people without any allowance for me to speak in my own defense. My wishes are often placed last, or at least behind theirs. I'm made to feel like a useless waste of time and space.

This has led to a situation where I don't even feel I can trust them with many things, and I often keep many things, whether issues in my life or my feelings, to myself. I've never told them of my treatment whilst in university for depression, or the issues with my sexuality (which eventually led me to realize I'm bisexual)....

[/quote]

Thank you for coming here and sharing your story, it seems you are in much pain I will pray for you. Can you provide clarification on your treatment? Saying that people "care little for anything of what I want" is very vague. Does your family insult you? You say they want to see you as a child but this is not entirely true...we are not even to treat small children as if they are a "useless waste of time and space" so it is not proper to treat anyone this way...this is not you being treated like a child, this is you not being treated respectfully the way you wish to be.

It seems you have struggles with depression and sexual identity. Dear one these are not things that you HAVE to share with your family. We live in an age where we are lead to beleive if we do not disclose 100% of our lives to everyone then we are dishonest. This is not true. If you have a close friend or family member that you want to share these things with then that is a blessing. If you don't feel you can talk about deep matters with your family then you are not alone. Discuss these matters with a priest or spiritual director or counselor.

Jesus loves you so much, turn to him! You are a special and unique child of God! God has a wonderful plan for your life! Turn to him in prayer and especially in those times when you feel spiritually "dry". He loves you and is waiting for you.


#10

We still have to honor & respect our parents, but as adults I don't think we have to obey every thing they command us to do as we are grown ups that can make our own choices regarding our vocations, etc & accept the consequences of our actions.


#11

Thank you all who have answered. I appreciate it greatly.

[quote="Monicad, post:9, topic:251423"]
Thank you for coming here and sharing your story, it seems you are in much pain I will pray for you. Can you provide clarification on your treatment? Saying that people "care little for anything of what I want" is very vague. Does your family insult you? You say they want to see you as a child but this is not entirely true...we are not even to treat small children as if they are a "useless waste of time and space" so it is not proper to treat anyone this way...this is not you being treated like a child, this is you not being treated respectfully the way you wish to be.

[/quote]

Ah, I'll explain. When I say 'little for anything I want' what I'm thinking of is the fact that for most of my life my family has had very definite plans for what I should do and be. And anything which falls outside this little plan is ignored and often put down. And yes, I've been actively insulted and belittled because of choices I've made.

From 4 years old (yeah, that young) I was told I was going to go to university and get a degree, and all through my life this same message continued. Eventually I did go to university but I went there not really believing I actually wanted to be there.

From 6 years old I wanted to play the bass guitar, and it became incredibly painful as all my friends took piano and flute lessons, whilst I was forced by my family to merely watch simply because they weren't interested in music and so thought that any interest I has should be ignored. Eventually I took up the bass guitar, in university, but I feel now that I've really missed any opportunity now to do anything music-wise.

It seems you have struggles with depression and sexual identity. Dear one these are not things that you HAVE to share with your family. We live in an age where we are lead to beleive if we do not disclose 100% of our lives to everyone then we are dishonest. This is not true. If you have a close friend or family member that you want to share these things with then that is a blessing. If you don't feel you can talk about deep matters with your family then you are not alone. Discuss these matters with a priest or spiritual director or counselor.

My problem is that I don't feel I can trust them with any sort of personal matters at all, whether it be something really important or not. And it's ripping me apart because the very people who are supposed to care are the ones who are making my problems worse. 

Jesus loves you so much, turn to him! You are a special and unique child of God! God has a wonderful plan for your life! Turn to him in prayer and especially in those times when you feel spiritually "dry". He loves you and is waiting for you.

I just feel completely unwanted and unloved, even by God. :crying:


#12

[quote="Kouyate42, post:11, topic:251423"]
......From 4 years old (yeah, that young) I was told I was going to go to university and get a degree, and all through my life this same message continued. Eventually I did go to university but I went there not really believing I actually wanted to be there...... From 6 years old I wanted to play the bass guitar...but I feel now that I've really missed any opportunity now to do anything music-wise....My problem is that I don't feel I can trust them with any sort of personal matters at all, whether it be something really important or not. And it's ripping me apart because the very people who are supposed to care are the ones who are making my problems worse....

[/quote]

Dear Kouyate, it seems some of the problems you have are somewhat typical of a young person's relationship with their parents. This does not make them easy necessarily, nor does it mean you should not try and change things for the better. Still please know that you are not alone.

I am not certain reading your post if your family raised you with the expectation to attend university because they loved you and wanted a better life for you, or whether they forced to to do something you didn't want to do. As a parent myself, I realize there can be a fine line between "encouraging" and "pushing." I hope that if your parents are good people that you can see them fairly, both the good and bad.

The part of your post that leads me to beleive that you may be not completely, but slightly over-the-top in your emotional reactions is how you described your interest in the bass guitar. In your post you said that you feel you have missed any opportunity to do anything music-wise. Okay, please be realistic and fair...until you are dead and buried it is not too late to sing, dance, learn music or anything! Were you discouraged in playing the kind of music you wanted? Probably. Are you disappointed? Yes. Have you missed any opportunity to do anything music-wise? I think you know the true answer to that, but you are upset so it may be hard to see.

Lastly, you say that the "people who are supposed to care are making my problems worse." Dear one this is true for all of us. In marriage, in friendship, in church, in parent-child relationships. We are all broken and sinful human beings, we hurt one another, a LOT. I would imagine you have hurt your family too. This does not make it right but you are not alone.

Please turn to God as much as you can. I know you said you don't feel his love but he is there. I will pray for you, please take care as best as you can.


#13

This is actually pretty common. Parents make the mistake of thinking that THEY know what is best for their grown children instead of listening and supporting the adult child in decisions that are made.
Your parents probably do not mean to be insensitive. But you do need to set some boundaries with them. The next time they relate in conversation something you don't want to talk about, speak up!!! Be nice, but be firm. If they insist, say, "Okay, but I need to leave now." Then get up and leave. Seriously.
Don't waste time trying to get them to understand you; accept that they just won't get it and move on, but keep them in your lives if at all possible. I am positive that they really do love you (I have a 23 y.o. daughter myself and I greatly identify with this situation!) just not the way you need them to.
However, DON'T give up on life!!! I personally joined the military to get away from home and have some independence and I loved it!!
I had taken piano lessons as a child and in my twenties I picked it back up when I got a piano - within 2 years I was a professional musician. For heaven's sakes, don't give up on music. Besides, the bass guitar is just too easy to play to give up! ;) (I love playing bass!)
God LOVES you and wants you to be fulfilled and happy in your life. Seek His guidance through the Holy Spirit. Everything will work out if you do! :thumbsup:


#14

[quote="Monicad, post:12, topic:251423"]
Dear Kouyate, it seems some of the problems you have are somewhat typical of a young person's relationship with their parents. This does not make them easy necessarily, nor does it mean you should not try and change things for the better. Still please know that you are not alone.

I am not certain reading your post if your family raised you with the expectation to attend university because they loved you and wanted a better life for you, or whether they forced to to do something you didn't want to do. As a parent myself, I realize there can be a fine line between "encouraging" and "pushing." I hope that if your parents are good people
that you can see them fairly, both the good and bad.

[/quote]

Fact is that particularly with regard to university, I wouldn't have minded too much about this if it hadn't been so insistant from that young an age as to what I was 'supposed' to do. If I'd been older, say 9,10 years old, then I could have understood and wouldn't likely have cared.
I was always identified as a bright kid at school and was in a lot of top classes, and I think that with regard to university, it was likely that they were trying to look out for my interests in some way, but I feel that this original reasoning got increasingly distorted.

The part of your post that leads me to beleive that you may be not completely, but slightly over-the-top in your emotional reactions is how you described your interest in the bass guitar. In your post you said that you feel you have missed any opportunity to do anything music-wise. Okay, please be realistic and fair...until you are dead and buried it is not too late to sing, dance, learn music or anything! Were you discouraged in playing the kind of music you wanted? Probably. Are you disappointed? Yes. Have you missed any opportunity to do anything music-wise? I think you know the true answer to that, but you are upset so it may be hard to see.

It's not just about the bass though. ANYTHING which didn't suit their ideas and wishes was completely and utterly vetoed and condemned. When I was younger in particular, I relied on parents and family for money, transport and other practicalities, and so they also held that power over me too.

I was never allowed to 'try' anything just to see if I enjoyed or was any good at it. For my idiotic family it was a lifetime commitment or nothing. Coupled with pre-conceptions on what I should/shouldn't do, and it served to make me miserable.

I take your point that we have a lifetime to do stuff, but when you're 6 years old and carrying around such a pain, it can be very damaging.

To quote Level 42- ''every little thing I do is wrong'''.

Lastly, you say that the "people who are supposed to care are making my problems worse." Dear one this is true for all of us. In marriage, in friendship, in church, in parent-child relationships. We are all broken and sinful human beings, we hurt one another, a LOT. I would imagine you have hurt your family too. This does not make it right but you are not alone.

You are likely right.

Please turn to God as much as you can. I know you said you don't feel his love but he is there. I will pray for you, please take care as best as you can.

I will pray and hope for a solution to this problem.

[quote="Musician, post:13, topic:251423"]
This is actually pretty common. Parents make the mistake of thinking that THEY know what is best for their grown children instead of listening and supporting the adult child in decisions that are made.
Your parents probably do not mean to be insensitive. But you do need to set some boundaries with them. The next time they relate in conversation something you don't want to talk about, speak up!!! Be nice, but be firm. If they insist, say, "Okay, but I need to leave now." Then get up and leave. Seriously.
Don't waste time trying to get them to understand you; accept that they just won't get it and move on, but keep them in your lives if at all possible. I am positive that they really do love you (I have a 23 y.o. daughter myself and I greatly identify with this situation!) just not the way you need them to.
However, DON'T give up on life!!! I personally joined the military to get away from home and have some independence and I loved it!!
I had taken piano lessons as a child and in my twenties I picked it back up when I got a piano - within 2 years I was a professional musician. For heaven's sakes, don't give up on music. Besides, the bass guitar is just too easy to play to give up! ;) (I love playing bass!)
God LOVES you and wants you to be fulfilled and happy in your life. Seek His guidance through the Holy Spirit. Everything will work out if you do! :thumbsup:

[/quote]

I've done everything I can. I'm tired of going through the same thing over and over again, and they're not going to listen to me and TBH I don't want to listen to them either.

BTW, I am likely the world's worst bassist. :D


closed #15

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