Honor thy Mother & Father


#1

I would like to know, how far does this go?

Just for a little background: Both of my parents have been divoriced/remarried about 3-4 times each. My Dad has been married to his current wife for about 16 years or so, and my Mom is seperated from her current husband and is seeing someone else right now.

My Mom has ALWAYS had a major insecurity issue about my step-mothers, and from my understanding has been the main cause behind all of my Dad’s divorces because of that. She always does the: “I’m the REAL Mom,” thing. And my Dad’s wife is great and loves us kids just as much as any real parent. She’s also from the south so she refers to us as her kids and not just her step-kids, which drives my Mom insane and has been the cause of many fights over the last 16 years or so.

Now that I have a son, she’s doing the “I’m the REAL grandmother thing now.” My son has 4 sets of grandparents. This is unacceptable.

Today is my son’s 1st birthday. We were planning a party this weekend for all family members. We refuse to make our son pay for our parent’s mistakes and have seperate birthdays, etc. We’re going to have one birthday party (this weekend), with everyone, and all the presents & cake will be done on one day. We think this will be the most fair, so noone gets special treatment.

Now Mom wants to come over tonight and have an early present and come over for his real birthday. We told her she can come over and visit any time, but no presents. Not even a small early one which is what she’s suggesting. Now she’s upset.

On the surface, it seems pretty innocent. Grandma wants to come over and give her grandson a special present on his actual birthday. That’s what I would like to believe. What say you?


#2

Oh and by the way, since we told her no presents, she’s now “not feeling good and doesn’t know if she can come over tonight.”

One would say “oh I hope she feels better” and I hope she does.

One has to wonder about the motivation.


#3

Hmmm. Well, I have “special” birthday on his actual birthday with my Godson. A little homemade cake and dinner; it is quiet and spiritual and very un-chaotic. It’s not that I don’t get along with the extended family- I certainly like them just fine- but it is nice to have this special moment where it is just me, mom, dad, and godson.

Sure, you can’t be expected to have multiple parties. But if your mom is more comfortable with it just being her, I see no harm. If you want to stick with the “no gift” rule, I think that’s cool. But better to have mom visit separately than a big blowup to occur.


#4

She is your real mom.

You can be polite to your step mother and think of her as a friend.

Your mother DOES deserve a place of honor in your heart.

To try to make a woman get along with the other men her husband civilly marries (no clue if these are valid marriages) is a fairy tale for TV land.

Let your mom see her grandbaby without having to see her “replacement”.


#5

I'm adopted, and the parents who raised me are my real parents. While growing up, I always wanted to find my biological parents. Eventually, and with the full backing of my mom and dad, I did find them. However, it was not what I wanted. My biological "parents" are troubled, to say the least. To them, (one is deceased, one isn't) honor is the best I can do, which means, You go your way, I'll try to contact you to tell you I'm alive and doing well, but that's it. It saddens me a bit, but not that much. It is, of course, much more complicated than what I'm willing to say in public, but that is the basic story. Real basic.

For the parents who raised you, regardless of step labels or anything else, unless they are abusive and manipulative, you DO owe them contact and repesect. They raised you the best way that could have, and no, they weren't perfect-and you won't be either to your children. Your parents love you unconditonally, and even though they may not show it, it's there. It is gravely immoral to treat them poorly unless they are a dangerous influence (and I mean drunken, abusive, rasicst, bigoted or something) to you or your family.

I clearly feel strongly about this. Sorry if it comes across as harsh.


#6

Well it sounds like a sticky situation for sure. BUT, you’re also setting yourself up for future birthdays and honestly it sounds like you might be adding fuel to the fire. A 1 year old is not going to remember any of this party, but you sure will if it is a constant battleground. Do all the grandparents try to out do each other or are you anticipating a major meltdown with just your mom? I would think if things can get a little heated that it might be better to have separate celebrations. It just sounds by enforcing that everyone must celebrate on one day all together that you might just be recreating the exact situation you’re trying to avoid.

And is there a reason why you don’t want your mom to give your son a present before anyone else?

Just for future consideration, maybe having a big grand party isn’t the way to go. We have our own issues with my inlaws and we’ve learned over the years its just better to celebrate our daughter’s birthday with just us. Birthday parties for kids can get so way out of hand and you’re just at the beginning of all this. Once you start down the road of big parties, it just keeps going and going and going and every year has to be better than the last. My inlaws like to take dd out to dinner for her birthday and its cut down on the games that were beginning to develop between all the inlaws.


#7

One more thing, there is nothing fair about divorce when it comes to kids and grandkids. You cannot make this fair, ever.


#8

Well, we're still new at this. And none of my parents have been married within the church to my knowledge.

The reason I don't want her to have an early present with my son is because she'll more than likely rub it into the others' faces. I don't feel as if she's doing it out of love, but more out of status, like "HA! I was the first one!" Her history has spoken for itself many times over.

I apologize if anyone thinks I'm treating my Mom unfairly, but if I were to grand her special privilges, a result of that would be my Dad would be the one who is being treated unfarily.


#9

[quote="Rascalking, post:5, topic:191020"]
I'm adopted, and the parents who raised me are my real parents. While growing up, I always wanted to find my biological parents. Eventually, and with the full backing of my mom and dad, I did find them. However, it was not what I wanted. My biological "parents" are troubled, to say the least. To them, (one is deceased, one isn't) honor is the best I can do, which means, You go your way, I'll try to contact you to tell you I'm alive and doing well, but that's it. It saddens me a bit, but not that much. It is, of course, much more complicated than what I'm willing to say in public, but that is the basic story. Real basic.

For the parents who raised you, regardless of step labels or anything else, unless they are abusive and manipulative, you DO owe them contact and repesect. They raised you the best way that could have, and no, they weren't perfect-and you won't be either to your children. Your parents love you unconditonally, and even though they may not show it, it's there. It is gravely immoral to treat them poorly unless they are a dangerous influence (and I mean drunken, abusive, rasicst, bigoted or something) to you or your family.

I clearly feel strongly about this. Sorry if it comes across as harsh.

[/quote]

My wife was also adopted. My step-mother raised my brother with my Dad throughout most of his life, My biological mother raised me and my brother until we were about 6 years old before the 1st divorce. She unconditionally loved us but was lured into a very sinful life while my Dad raised us through the next 8 years. My biological mother then raised me through high school. She also had a lot to do with me not having much of a relationship with my step-dad at the time, so I really didn't have a father figure during those important years.

So as you can see, our step-mother shouldn't be taken quite as lightly as some here might suggest. You can consider her a friend and be polite to her, but when she's raised you since you were 10 years old, don't you think she deserves a bit more merit then that?


#10

How very sad that you were bounced around between parents.

Your birth mom is still the woman who carried you in her womb, she has a connection to you that no other human being will ever have.

It is great that you love your step-mother.

I still think it is unkind to expect your mom and step mother(s) to all be buddy buddy.


#11

I expect them to be civil towards each other, not all buddy-buddy.

If they can't get along at birthday parties, etc. How are they doing to do with things like graduation? Or during baptisms? Or weddings? Or confirmation, and there's just really a lot of things. School events, sports, plays, etc. There's only one of those kind of events.


#12

[quote="kage_ar, post:10, topic:191020"]
Your birth mom is still the woman who carried you in her womb, she has a connection to you that no other human being will ever have.

[/quote]

As true as that is, my wife has no connection with the woman who carried her in her womb.


#13

Carmelite,
You seem to see that your mother, who seems to have remarried while remaining upset about your father's remarriages?, is trying to gain some sort of status and you are avoiding that and setting boundaries right off the bat.

Good for you. Sometimes we need to set boundaries up even with our biological mothers, the mothers who raised us, and any other sorts of mothers we may pick up on the way.

Hope y'all have a great celebration of your son's first birthday!


#14

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