I am struggling so much right now. I am having some problems with my family, but I'll leave that for another post. What I'm most concerned with right now is my dad.
My relationship with my dad has never been a good one. When I was a little girl, he was my world, and all I wanted to do was make him proud. I don't know when that changed, but now the only honest feeling I have towards him is indifference.
When I was 12, he moved to the States because of work. The rest of my family stayed here, so we were apart for 7 years (though we always visited during summer) until I was done with school and my mom and I moved to the States with him (my brother stayed here, he's 9 years older than me). Eventually we moved back to Peru, and about 3 months ago he moved to Ecuador also because of work.
That's the "practical" story, so to speak. The emotional one is far more complicated. My parents' relationship has always been far from perfect. In fact, it's been a disaster. I'm so happy my dad is gone again because seeing them together is too painful for me, it crushes me. Problem is that, well, my whole family has a problem with my dad. My brother has a lot of resentment towards him, as does my mom, so now that he's away it's easy for them to be completely indifferent towards him.
I feel completely indifferent, too. But my guilt pushes me to try to stay in touch with him. But whenever I do, I feel like I'm stretching out my arm, but instead of helping him come out of his constant spiral of negativity, he pulls me down with him, and always brings me so close to drowning. He's a very lonely person, and constantly tells me I'm the only one he can count on, the only thing that keeps him going, that without me it'd all be over. I get sick when he tells me that...I feel sick right now as I type that.
I know I'm supposed to love my father, but I can't. All I can do is resent him, all I feel for him is...nothing. I rarely remember he exists, and when I notice this, guilt chokes me up. When I talk to him all he has to say are complaints about my brother or my mom...he always tries to talk to me about his relationship with my mom and how it's in ruins. Yesterday he forwarded me 2 emails he wrote to her "just so I could read them" even though I asked him to please not do that because it wasn't my place to read that stuff. I tried deleting them, but I couldn't resist them temptation, so I read a little bit of both. In them he said stuff about how she had once made him happy, 32 years ago. They were emails full of resentment and self-pity, and even though I stopped myself from reading the whole thing, after reading one line I felt sick and wanting to cry.
I know I'm supposed to love and honor my father, but I can't. Every day I resent him even more for pushing me to be a sinner by making me hate him. Im so scared of him becoming so depressed that he'll just give up and...die. I hate that word, I hate these thoughts, I hate feeling in my heart that the only thing I'd feel if he were gone would be guilt. Neither pain, nor sadness...guilt. Guilt because I would've been the only reason why he kept on going...which means that, if he gave up, I would've failed. Does that make any sense? I don't understand it, I'm confused as to how I feel.
But anyways...enough rambling and self-analyzing. I just...don't know what to do. Am I going to hell for feeling this way? I feel like no matter how many times I go to Confession for this, it will never be washed away. I will never be clean from this sin. It'll be a constant, because he's a constant. As long as he exists, I'll be sinning. And once he's gone, that sin will be printed in me forever. And I feel disgusting for worrying about this...it's such a selfish worry. But, God, I can't care. I want to care about him, but I can't. Please help me, please pray for me...and pray for my dad. He is very, very alone.