Honoring my mother


#1

I recognize that I have a sacred obligation to honor my father and my mother and that I have utterly failed to do as this commandment requires of me for the overwhelming majority of my thirty years.

In consequence of my repeated sinful misbehavior as a young child, my father sought solace in alcohol, erupted in fits of anger, and moved away from me, my mother, and my younger siblings. My behavior deteriorated further thereafter into a life of dissipation and serial mortal sin, but I somehow managed to get into college and left in 1998.

In 2004, I moved halfway across the country and found a good job. For the next five years, my family visited at most once a year. I learned to trust in the mercy, providence, and forgiveness of our Lord Jesus Christ, Who died to forgive my sins. But I recognize that even if the Blood of Christ spares me the eternal punishment for my sins through the sacrament of penance, I still must suffer the temporal punishment for these sins. Despite my imperfections, God has bestowed tremendous blessings upon me, heaping blessing upon blessing, all unmerited, over the past several years.

In 2007, high school graduated my youngest sibling, and she departed for college. This departure left my mother alone, and she developed "empty nest" syndrome, which appears to have intensified over the past four years. Because of my previous misbehavior, she has no husband to console and strengthen her.

In 2009, I bought a house and moved from my apartment. But I still have not married nor fathered any children, which clearly upsets my mother. (I harbor serious doubt that God calls me to the marriage vocation.) My mother then took a job in closer geographic proximity to my abode (a few hundred miles away) and began to visit for several days most months. (My other siblings have scattered throughout the country.)

My mother recently decided to move into my house. She sought employment with my employer and interviewed for an open position in an office immediately adjacent to mine. The possibility of getting this job clearly excites her even though the job responsibilities likely will frustrate her. My lack of enthusiasm about this prospect clearly upsets her, and my failure to develop and demonstrate such enthusiasm clearly reflects severe shortcomings on my part.

Because of various problems and continuing sin on my part, I have considerable difficulty pleasing my mother when she visits, especially when duties related to her employment do not occupy her mind. I recognize that I have failed to put forth adequate effort, and I obviously must develop a more positive outlook on this situation. Going forward, I cannot ignore my sacred duty to honor my mother. On the other hand, I do not know how best to fulfill this duty although I recognize that doing so may entail great difficulty for me.

I face the following complications:

  • Because of my embarrassment over my parents' separation and my culpability in it, I have deliberately obscured and even lied about this fact.

  • My mother insists on accompanying me to any social events that I attend during her visits, even when it would be unconventional or inappropriate (e.g., Knights of Columbus). Numerous stimuli, occurrences, activities, and topics provoke consternation from my mother. Because of these factors, I typically suspend or minimize my social life whenever she visits.

  • Some of my friends and colleagues perceive that I have a poor relationship with my mother (or "parents," the euphemism I often use to discuss her). This is entirely due to failures on my part to honor her enthusiastically as I should. I still have a bad attitude, often approaching exasperation rather than enthusiasm. My bad attitude may lead my colleagues to dislike my mother should she get the position for which she applied, thus denying her the emotional support that she deserves.

  • Over the past four years, my mother has threatened suicide on numerous occasions, especially during winter. This location experiences more severe winters than her previous location does. Nevertheless, I recognize that I have not given her the love and support that she obviously needs.

  • My mother absolutely despises my parish and especially my pastor. Nevertheless, the prospect of visiting a different parish on Sunday provokes resistance in her. I obviously must handle this situation delicately and with due care for her spiritual welfare. She also strongly opposes me going to confession. After all, if I do not sin, then I do not need to go to confession, and she clearly is vastly closer to that state than I am. Nonetheless, I am not sure how to approach this issue beyond insisting on fulfilling my obligation to confess at least once per year and otherwise avoiding all mortal sin. Catching me engaging in prayer or pious reading perturbs her greatly, and I dare not listen to Catholic radio in her presence.

  • Over the past couple weeks, my mother repeatedly and insistently said, "God hates me." I cannot think of a proper response that honors both her and God beyond sending her to confession (which provokes her rage). Moreover, giving no response or an irrelevant response to this assertion upsets her.

In short, I know that I have a wonderful, loving mother who gave me life and steadfast love despite my many transgressions against her and my wretched behavior. However, I do not know how to honor her best under the current situation. Moreover, I perceive that my encouragement or compulsion for her to seek housing or employment elsewhere than with me might not be best for her.

PS: sorry about the extreme length of this diatribe.


#2

I would be exasperated too if she decided to move in uninvited.

Boundaries must be set by you.

She appears to be treating you as a partner, rather than an adult child.


#3

You are blaming yourself for everything.
It is very clear that your mother has flaws and issues that go beyond what is reasonable and without respect to boundaries, so your tendency to put up walls is understandable. Any self respecting man will emotionally pull back if someone tries to insert into every space in his life. Yes, of course you need to handle that with charity the best you can, but I don't think it will work very well if your mother doesn't respect boundaries. It may be that you are not able to address them without your mother becoming emotionally unreasonable, that is evident from some of the comments there, though you didn't intend her flaws to be seen.

Just recognize that there are two people here, and while neither is perfect, you are not all at fault, and perhaps you never really were all at fault. Regarding you father's choices, you accept all blame and perhaps you mother and your family blame you, but hey! Many families have difficult children but the parent doesn't have to become an alcoholic and leave. This was his choice. I see that you accept what you did wrong, but you are not responsible for what your parent did wrong.
It might help others to blame you, but don't take all other people's guilt as your own just because it suits them to blame you and because you feel guilty about the things you did wrong.

May God help you to balance things with wisdom and charity.

I'm a mother of three grown sons, Love, so I do know something about sons and parents, and I've also seem many a family whose child has done serious things and been difficult, without the parents breaking up or one parent becoming alcoholic.
I hope, while you accept where you did wrong, you eyes will open to what is true here, so that you have more freedom in your heart.
God grant you peace, and all the blessings you need to deal with things as God would wish you to


#4

[quote="xukedol, post:1, topic:251459"]
I recognize that I have a sacred obligation to honor my father and my mother and that I have utterly failed to do as this commandment requires of me for the overwhelming majority of my thirty years.

In consequence of my repeated sinful misbehavior as a young child, my father sought solace in alcohol, erupted in fits of anger, and moved away from me, my mother, and my younger siblings. My behavior deteriorated further thereafter into a life of dissipation and serial mortal sin, but I somehow managed to get into college and left in 1998.

In 2004, I moved halfway across the country and found a good job. For the next five years, my family visited at most once a year. I learned to trust in the mercy, providence, and forgiveness of our Lord Jesus Christ, Who died to forgive my sins. But I recognize that even if the Blood of Christ spares me the eternal punishment for my sins through the sacrament of penance, I still must suffer the temporal punishment for these sins. Despite my imperfections, God has bestowed tremendous blessings upon me, heaping blessing upon blessing, all unmerited, over the past several years.

In 2007, high school graduated my youngest sibling, and she departed for college. This departure left my mother alone, and she developed "empty nest" syndrome, which appears to have intensified over the past four years. Because of my previous misbehavior, she has no husband to console and strengthen her.

In 2009, I bought a house and moved from my apartment. But I still have not married nor fathered any children, which clearly upsets my mother. (I harbor serious doubt that God calls me to the marriage vocation.) My mother then took a job in closer geographic proximity to my abode (a few hundred miles away) and began to visit for several days most months. (My other siblings have scattered throughout the country.)

My mother recently decided to move into my house. She sought employment with my employer and interviewed for an open position in an office immediately adjacent to mine. The possibility of getting this job clearly excites her even though the job responsibilities likely will frustrate her. My lack of enthusiasm about this prospect clearly upsets her, and my failure to develop and demonstrate such enthusiasm clearly reflects severe shortcomings on my part.

I face the following complications:

  • Because of my embarrassment over my parents' separation and my culpability in it, I have deliberately obscured and even lied about this fact.

  • My mother insists on accompanying me to any social events that I attend during her visits, even when it would be unconventional or inappropriate (e.g., Knights of Columbus). Numerous stimuli, occurrences, activities, and topics provoke consternation from my mother. Because of these factors, I typically suspend or minimize my social life whenever she visits.

  • Some of my friends and colleagues perceive that I have a poor relationship with my mother (or "parents," the euphemism I often use to discuss her). This is entirely due to failures on my part to honor her enthusiastically as I should. I still have a bad attitude, often approaching exasperation rather than enthusiasm. My bad attitude may lead my colleagues to dislike my mother should she get the position for which she applied, thus denying her the emotional support that she deserves.

  • Over the past four years, my mother has threatened suicide on numerous occasions, especially during winter. This location experiences more severe winters than her previous location does. Nevertheless, I recognize that I have not given her the love and support that she obviously needs.

  • My mother absolutely despises my parish and especially my pastor. Nevertheless, the prospect of visiting a different parish on Sunday provokes resistance in her. I obviously must handle this situation delicately and with due care for her spiritual welfare. She also strongly opposes me going to confession. After all, if I do not sin, then I do not need to go to confession, and she clearly is vastly closer to that state than I am. Nonetheless, I am not sure how to approach this issue beyond insisting on fulfilling my obligation to confess at least once per year and otherwise avoiding all mortal sin. Catching me engaging in prayer or pious reading perturbs her greatly, and I dare not listen to Catholic radio in her presence.

  • Over the past couple weeks, my mother repeatedly and insistently said, "God hates me." I cannot think of a proper response that honors both her and God beyond sending her to confession (which provokes her rage). Moreover, giving no response or an irrelevant response to this assertion upsets her.

In short, I know that I have a wonderful, loving mother who gave me life and steadfast love despite my many transgressions against her and my wretched behavior. However, I do not know how to honor her best under the current situation. Moreover, I perceive that my encouragement or compulsion for her to seek housing or employment elsewhere than with me might not be best for her.

PS: sorry about the extreme length of this diatribe.

[/quote]

Firstly, while we must recognise our wrongdoings, as a child, you were not responsible for your father's actions and the break up of your parents' marriage. Neither are you responsible for your sister not being married.

I would suggest that you seek the advice of a priest and other counselors on your issues. No one can really know what your life is like and I really think you need to go to the experts for help.

Perhaps the advice and practical help of your siblings would be beneficial. She is their mother too.

God give you strength and comfort and God bless you and your mother.


#5

Your behaviour was not responsible for your father's alcoholism, nor the breakup of your parents' marriage.

Your behaviour was not the reason that your mother never remarried.

Your behaviour is most likely to have been because of your parents' problems, it is certainly not the other way around.

You keep saying that you don't show enough love, respect and honor for your mother. She has moved into your home, applied for a job she can't do at your place of work, insists on taking over your social life and behaving in a way that embarasses you, uses emotional blackmail to prevent you from practicing your religion, makes suicide threats to control your behaviour and numerous other things and you think you're the one in the wrong?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but your mother is not a wonderful, loving mother who has given you steadfast love despite your supposed transgressions, she appears to be a troubled, emtionally manipulative, controlling and posessive person who is determined to ruin your life. I am truly sorry if that upsets you, but I cannot believe that anyone else reading that post would come to any other conclusion.

I get the feeling that your mother has blamed you for all the problems in her life and marriage. She has told you that you drove your father to drinking and broke up the marriage, when it would seem far more likely that it was her behaviour that did that and caused you to exhibit disturbed behaviour (if in fact you ever did so). She has now decided to ruin your life. No loving mother would demand her son include her in all his social events, no loving mother would move into her son's home and take a job in his office, no loving mother would stop her son going to church. Loving someone means respecting their boundries, their privacy etc. I think she does not want you to attend church because that places you outwith her control. Have you told your priest about her behaviour? I am wondering if part of her hatred for him is that you have repeated his advice to you regarding her, which I can't imagine would've been "allow her to ruin your life". Go and speak to your pastor, if it helps, print off your post and show it to him. I'm sure he's quite aware of your mother's feelings towards him.

Please, please go and get counselling, use that to find the strength to throw your mother out of your house, she is an adult and capable of living on her own. You are not responsible for her. The commandment says to honor your mother, not to allow her to destroy you.

I am truly sorry if this seems harsh but I get the feeling that you know this deep down and are trying to bury the knowledge because you feel guilty about it. I will be praying for you, you are a good person, do not allow your mother to tell you otherwise.


#6

I agree. He comes across as a good man, with far more goodness than he’s ever given himself credit for.
Our words can betray more than we realize
and I imagine it’s been a shock to him that we are all in agreement about what his post really says to us in its humility and concern.


#7

[quote="xukedol, post:1, topic:251459"]

In consequence of my repeated sinful misbehavior as a young child, my father sought solace in alcohol, erupted in fits of anger, and moved away from me, my mother, and my younger siblings.

[/quote]

This sentence must be addressed again.

The fact that your father sought solace in alcohol IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The fact that your father left your family IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Again, let me repeat......THAT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You should seek the aid of a counselor who can help your sort out your feelings and help you see that the poor choices of others in your are not your fault. You should not carry any guilt for the choices your father made. Likewise, you should not allow your mother to blackmail you (and that is exactly what she is doing). Give her a deadline for moving out. The next time you have plans and she tries to tag along, firmly but politely tell her she cannot come. Some clear boundaries must be established.


#8

You did not cause your father's alcoholism.

You could not cure it.

You could not control it.

That was your child's mind deciding that your behavior was the cause, and it was probably reinforced through your father and mother's assessment. NO ONE causes someone else's alcoholism.

Therefore, you are also not responsible for your mother's life after your father left. Her choices are hers as the ADULT in the situation.

I don't care what your misbehavior was. YOU COULD NOT CAUSE YOUR FATHER TO BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC. Let that soak in for a while. Because everything you have set up in your post revolves around your mistaken guilt about your father's alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease, and no one is responsible for a disease, they just happen. Your father always had a choice to seek treatment. That was his responsibility, not yours.

If you are not responsible for that, (and you are not) then what else are you not responsible for? Anything your parents chose to do. No matter what they have told you, they had responsibility for their choices and are not victims in any way, especially not victims of you and your choices.

You will likely need some counseling in order to begin to accept these things. Your whole worldview needs to change. Good times are ahead as you see yourself in a completely different light! A lot of weight will drop from your shoulders when you start to understand just how damaged your parents are, and that you are not such a bad person after all. Eventually you will have compassion for them but right now, you need to see a counselor who also handles alcoholics and addicts.

You also need to start setting BOUNDARIES with your mother. As soon as you refuse any more guilt over causing your father's alcoholism, you will be able to recognize that your mother is not your responsibility either, and allowing her to live with you and now to get a job in the same workplace is just not healthy. She is violating all sorts of boundaries in doing this. In the animal world, she is marking YOUR territory. This is unhealthy for you. You need to get rid of your guilt and also get your mother out of your house. You have every right to not allow her to do this.

And, I pray you are in a country where you can get to an Al-Anon meeting immediately, today. Al-Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics, and it is support for you. You will hear your story there and be amazed that people are on their way toward living a life that is happy, joyous and free, whether or not the alcoholic is still drinking/blaming/playing a victim. You can go and just listen for as long as you like, no one will pressure you to share, we are not like AA in that way, we allow you to progress as slowly as you need to.

Al-Anon and Alateen


#9

Thanks for all the responses. You all took a position considerably different from that which I anticipated. I understand your views that I need not develop an attitude of exuberant enthusiasm for my mother “invading my boundaries.” Although I long anticipated and accepted that she wanted to move into my house, her enthusiastic application to work in my office surprised me.

Management has not made a decision on whom to hire for this open position. If my mother gets an offer, then she almost certainly would take it. I continue to try to convince myself that this job would be good for her. Nevertheless, this parent-child relationship is exceedingly uncommon in my office.

If she gets this job, then how should I react? I obviously must handle the situation delicately and in a manner that benefits and does not upset my mother while simultaneously not dampening workplace morale and productivity.

I could leave my job and/or change residences. But I do not know how my mother would react; would doing either hep her? (Moreover, jobs in my chosen profession are few and difficult to obtain even in a good economy, which this is not.)

If my mother does not get the job in my workplace, then she probably would blame me (accurately) for not preparing her enthusiastically to ace the interview. Not getting this job likely would reinforce her conviction that God “hates” her, which she enunciates emphatically several times a day. (Such frequent repetition alone easily could cause her to internalize this sentiment.) How can I disabuse her of the ridiculous notion that God “hates” her? My weak attempts thus far only led to further repetition of the odious phrase. I know that I should pray more (whenever outside her gaze). Only the Holy Spirit can penetrate her heart.

I suspect that her suicide threats may represent more than just emotional blackmail. She lacks children left to rear, a husband to console her, any considerable perception of the love that God has for her, and any grandchildren. For these reasons, she may perceive little value to her persistence in vitality. I do not know how to ameliorate this attitude beyond giving her the love, honor, and respect which she is due and which I have denied her.

By the way, my sister did get married (despite my mother’s disdain for the bridegroom). I remain unmarried. My sister did proffer a suggestion: find several women near the age of my mother who do not attend my parish, do not work in my workplace, share common interests with my mother, would enjoy her company, and would influence her positively, with whom she would enjoy socializing. Introduce them to her, move to a cold-weather state, and seek a new job. My problem: I don’t know any such women or have any clue where to find them. Perhaps that reflects my already defective social life.

I have considered seeking the advice of my pastor, but as I mentioned, my mother despises him, actually (she claims) because she finds his style of homiletics uninspiring. He has a fairly large flock and a couple extra jobs beyond running a parish, so I doubt that he knows much about her. Given the obvious acrimony, I doubt that seeking and following his counsel would earn the respect of my mother. I will talk to a priest about the situation when next I have the opportunity to speak to one privately (unless this situation resolves itself beforehand).

All this of course leaves open the question: how should one in my station in life honor his mother? What does that commandment entail?

Thanks for the replies. Thank you also for your prayers. My mother needs them desperately.


#10

As a sister in Christ I have respect for your ability to handle things. I am very conscious of words, and yours convey strength, intelligence, and compassion. I listened carefully to what you wrote this second time, and feel a sisterly pride. You seem a very balanced person regardless of past or present circumstances, and your comments regarding your mother's genuinely pessimistic outlook ring true.

If we have helped to support a realization that it is unjust to take the degree of responsibility for others' choices and lifestyles, that you appeared to take, then perhaps we have helped to achieve what God hoped for you from us, aside from our prayers for both your mother and you. If it means you recognize a fact so clear to all of us, then your repentance is healthier.

Your poor Mom's negative self-talk appears entrenched, and perhaps she cannot move past that, but one feels confident you will do the best you can, which may continue to include more consideration for your mother's future than would be if your Mom were a strong woman with a healthy outlook. Whatever she blames you for, I hope you will remember to maintain objectivity, because you are not guilty simply because another person perceives you as guilty. That can be hard to live through even if you recognize a different truth to your Mom's. Our perception would be that you carried this belief out of your childhood and early life, but having had a whole range of individuals form around the country and in my case across the ocean, pulling that curtain aside, and caring about you...hopefully has brought you blessing.

In some ways your choices may not be very free, because you are dealing with a person who is fragile in some respects, but within yourself you will be freer, I think.
Please God you can help your Mom to find wholesome alternatives find a wholesome althernative for your Mom, but if not, I hope and pray you will be able to sufficiently balance your own needs. I hope you won't blame yourself again for feelings you have that you would prefer not and for lack of feelings you think you should have.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong.
Lack of some feeling can come with too much bruising also. And not everyone 'feels'' the feelings they expect or that others expect of them. Feelings are not sins. Choices can be sinful or otherwise.

Have to go, so can't edit what I've written...don't know if I've made much sense,
love, Trishie


#11

[quote="xukedol, post:9, topic:251459"]
I have considered seeking the advice of my pastor, but as I mentioned, my mother despises him, actually (she claims) because she finds his style of homiletics uninspiring. He has a fairly large flock and a couple extra jobs beyond running a parish, so I doubt that he knows much about her. Given the obvious acrimony, I doubt that seeking and following his counsel would earn the respect of my mother. I will talk to a priest about the situation when next I have the opportunity to speak to one privately (unless this situation resolves itself beforehand).

It is NOT up to your mother to decide whom you will consult for advice. If you feel comfortable with your pastor, and trust his advice, then by all means seek it.

As others have said, her choices are hers

. Your father's choices are his. And your choices are yours.

[/quote]


#12

Xukedol

I think all of us are not only saying that you need not be enthusiatic about your mother invading your home and your work, but that you must say "No!". This is not being cruel, it is not being ungrateful, it is called setting boundries.

Is there someone in management or HR you can speak to at your work? Explain that your mother has applied for this job and that you feel that she will not be able to cope with work at the moment and the problems it may cause for you. The examples you have given of her behaviour in social settings suggest that her behaviour at your office would be the same. It is not your responsibility to help your mother "ace" the interview. What could you do? The company will expect her to know a lot about them through you, so that will not give her an advantage. Does she expect you to find out the questions in advance (impossible as the interviewers may decide to change them on the day)? She is going to expect to get this job and from what you have said, she is unable to do it. I suspect that she will expect you to do her job, which is impossible and would possibly lose you your own position You need to bring this to your company's attention, as if you do not, it will reflect badly on you. You mention dampening workplace morale and productivity, that is exactly what would happen if your mother got this job. You also have a moral obligation to your employer and your work collegues to warn someone of her behaviour before she gets the job.

Please, please understand that "honor your mother" does not mean only think good of, never criticise, sacrifice yourself for. You constantly use phrases that take responsibility for everything in your mother's life. You are not responsible for her life.

Do not attempt to disuade her of the notion that God hates her, it won't work. Just pray about it. If she mentions it, do not pay any attention. When you react to this kind of comment, you encourage it.

You are talking about giving up your job and leaving your house, you know that your mother will just follow you, do not wreck your life.

I suspect that your sister's suggestion, even if you knew a pack of such women, would not work, as your mother would not accept them as friends. Something you said about your sister was telling, that your mother had "disdain" for the groom. This just reinforces my suspicions that your mother does not want happiness for you, she wants you to be as miserable as she is, as she blames you for her problems. You are not responsible for your mother's unhappiness, loneliness and lack of a husband. You say you are 30, that means that you have lived away from home for many years, that gave her plenty of time to find a partner, without your susposed bad behaviour to drive them away. She did not, which shows that it is your mother who is at fault, not you.

You say that your mother's suicide threats are more than emotional blackmail, and list that she has no husband, no children to care for, no grandchildren and no awareness of God's love. I know several women in similar situations. None of them are lonely, suicidal and bent on wrecking their son's life. You blame yourself for all of these situations, please realise that they are not your fault. You are not married, which is understandable if your social life has been wrecked by your mother. Think about it, if your mother moves in, how are you ever going to find a girlfriend? From what you have said, she would want to come along on dates and would be unpleasant to the woman you were dating.

Please speak to your priest and please get yourself urgently referred to a counsellor. Do not tell your mother about these things, it is none of her business. Please speak to someone at your place of work about the problems that would result if they employed your mother, it is not being cruel to your mother, it is being honest. All the replies that you have had share the view that you need to stop letting your mother invade and control your life. Please believe us.

I am praying for you.


#13

Thank you all for your advice and prayers. I suppose that I should update you on my situation because I want you to know that God always answers our prayers, albeit oftentimes in ways that we do not anticipate. I trust that God knows what is best for us even more than we ever could know such.

Shortly after the last post on this thread, management at my workplace made a hiring decision regarding the position to which my mother applied, and much to her dismay, they did not hire her. They instead hired an intensely cheerful, energetic young woman who was even then obviously pregnant. I suspect that she will leave the work force to devote herself fully to the maternal vocation. Management recently interviewed candidates for her replacement [or alternatively for a new position should she decide to return]; my mother did not apply, insofar as I know.

My mother meanwhile returned to her previous place of residence. Although she planned to visit me every weekend through the autumn, she did so only thrice. Throughout the summer and autumn, she avoided me and my residence at any time when I might have induced her to attend Mass for a Sunday or holy day of obligation. (I offered to take her to a different parish, even one that doesn't speak English.) Her seeming avoidance of Mass probably results from her proper abhorrence of my sin, my manifest continuing failure to honor her properly, and the consequent bad example that I set for the Church.

Notwithstanding my lack of honor and empathy and my increasing inability to communicate with her, my mother seems less depressed than she did a year ago.

I understand these developments as somehow a result of prayer and reliance on the Most High. May God continue to bless my mother, and may He grant her faith, hope, and love; prudence, justice, temperance, and fortitude. Jesus, I trust in You; help me to trust in You. Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on my mother. Amen.


#14

[quote="xukedol, post:13, topic:251459"]
Her seeming avoidance of Mass probably results from her proper abhorrence of my sin, my manifest continuing failure to honor her properly, and the consequent bad example that I set for the Church.

[/quote]

Please get some serious professional counseling. These constant blaming thoughts are irrational.

You need help. Prayers for you. Go talk to your priest as soon as possible.


#15

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