House guests and separate bedrooms


#1

I just have a quick question for you all regarding a situation I'm facing right now. My husband's best friend and his fiancee are going to be traveling through town and have asked to stay at our house. We only have 3 bedrooms, so if DH and I are in one and the kids in the other, we only have one spare bedroom for this couple. I am uncomfortable with that situation. If we had two spare bedrooms, it wouldn't be a problem.

I worry about the example I am setting for my kids (2 and 4 years old) if I allow an unmarried couple to sleep in the same bedroom in my home. DH doesn't think they kids will "get" what's going on, but I think that kids are far more perceptive than many of us give them credit for. My husband says that this couple are living together already, and they are adults, so we should let them make their own decisions. I think it's different if we are allowing them to stay in our house. I told DH just to tell his friend that we don't have enough room, but my husband thinks that would be lying to them. I don't. We have two adults wanting to stay with us, and we do not have two bedrooms, so we don't have enough room.

What do you think? Is my explanation of "not having enough room" too close to a lie? And what else can I say to my husband about this? I was surprised that he actually got pretty angry at me for saying that I don't want to give them the same bedroom. I don't feel like I can just say that it's their decision to make and then give them one bedroom to share in my house... any thoughts?


#2

Can the guy sleep on the couch instead?? :shrug:

I remember traveling with my boyfriend/fiance and this is what we ended up doing a friends' houses! :shrug:


#3

No matter what you do, recognize that this couple will probably end up in the same bed anyway. I am NOT saying you can't set boundaries in your own house, not at all, but they have been shacking up together and aren't likely to honor your requirement that they sleep apart. I would not offer the room, if it were me. But your hubby may not support that decision. Has he ever told his friend that shacking up has been shown to be destructive in marriages? That couples who shack up before marriage are highly likely to divorce? If it's his best friend, I'd say he has an obligation to want the best for his friend, but that may not be the kind of relationship they have. Pity, because your husband as a married man, has let his friend down if he hasn't counseled him as a Christian/Catholic.

As for your kids knowing what is going on, they probably wouldn't remember this, but you need to stand your ground with your husband, or there will be other times when the kids will be old enough to remember and then there will be questions. Stay strong and maintain your morals. Waffle now, give in now, and expect a lot more testing of your morals later on. My sons have known from day one that I expect them to stay pure until marriage, and I will never ever budge on that point. I will never buy them condoms nor condone their usage. If they choose to violate the morals they were brought up with, that's their choice but they will never have to guess what Mom believes.

"What's the big deal?" is something you are going to have to come up with an answer for, because you will hear it about nearly everything you do - especially in parenting.


#4

I should probably add that the friend and fiancee are not Catholic, and so they don't hold themselves to the same ideals as us. If I could trust that the guy would actually sleep on the couch, then problem solved. I'm not sure how that would work, though... our couch has gotten many, many complaints in the past, lol!


#5

I think you are forgetting the spiritual dimension of the whole thing. Satan is waiting to attack every marriage and home. Any objectively sinful actions done in your home gives openings for evil to enter. This is not judgement on them, but protecting your home.


#6

Sorry, we know you're living together and this may sound like a moot point on that account, but we don't allow unmarried couples to sleep together at our house, particularly not with the kids here.

We're happy to have one of you sleep in our room, one sleep in the guest bedroom. We can sleep in the kids' bedroom or on the couch.

If they choose to share a room at a hotel, you can choose to still have dinner with them, but this doesn't mean you have to provide them with a place to scandalize your kids in order to "mind your own business". Spouses can get upset about it all they like, but either parent is allowed to put a foot down on this: If we're not going to allow our kids to do it or teach that it is morally permissible, we don't allow anyone to do it in our homes.

There are families whose rules are less strict--they allow Uncle Bob to keep the same arrangements with his girlfriend that they have at home--but I am saying that this is legitimate ground for one parent to exercise a veto. If both parents can't agree about what adults are allowed to do in their house, the stricter one ought to win.


#7

Is there any reason this man has given you not to trust him? Let him sleep on the couch, if he is a true friend of your husbands he will fully understand and appreciate the place to stay. If he does sneak off into the bedroom then he clearly does not respect your house and your rules. If this is the case then in future a simple no will be good enough.

Don't forget, we are expected to treat people how we would like to be treated. Automatically assuming that he is going to break your rule is a little harsh and I doubt you would like to be pre judged either. we get a bad enough name as it is for "judging" people, wouldntit be better if the story he told his friends was about a warm and loving, welcoming home!

Explain it to them and they will understand, you never know, you guys may have an amazing time together and they may become frequent visitors!


#8

Your house, your rules. I'd just simply say "look, this is what we believe. I understand and respect that you might not share in our beliefs, but we ask that you respect ours while staying at our house and sleep separately". The guy can sleep on the couch. I really don't think that's asking that much.

Or, if you want to show that you mean well, you could rearrange things so that they sleep in separate beds and either your or your husband takes the couch. I mean it's a lot of juggling around just to let them both sleep in a bed, but it could show them how seriously you take the Church's teachings, and at the same time show a token of good will.

Just my two cents.


#9

As someone who can probably relate more to your potential guests the solution is simple. Tell them your feelings up front in advance and that you do not want them sleeping in the same bedroom in your house. Tell them the reasons why. They can then accept your terms and stay at your house, or say no thank you and make other arrangements.

What I don't think would be fair is to spring this arrangement on them when they show up likely expecting otherwise.


#10

I completely agree about sharing your expectations upfront.

When it comes to house rules in my home, it doesn’t matter to me if the guests are Catholic or not. The rules don’t change. We still pray before meals and they are free to join in or sit and wait. Non-married couples are split up for sleeping. Foul language is not allowed by anyone – nor is smoking in my home or “R” rated movies. We just don’t allow those things. My home is my safe haven and respite from the corruption of the outside world. Therefore, I don’t give up on my morals in the name of “hospitality.” My hospitality is shown through outstanding meals, a comfortable place to sleep, and by showing a real interest in the guests. Good luck as you work with your husband on creating “house rules” and determining how they will be implemented.


#11

Thanks for the responses. I am still holding strong and telling DH that we will try and do what we can to accommodate his friend, while still keeping appropriate sleeping arrangements. DH still thinks it's ridiculous that I suggest his friend sleep on the couch, so we're still looking into other options... I might be able to dig up an air mattress from somewhere.:shrug:


#12

[quote="agapewolf, post:5, topic:251790"]
I think you are forgetting the spiritual dimension of the whole thing. Satan is waiting to attack every marriage and home. Any objectively sinful actions done in your home gives openings for evil to enter. This is not judgement on them, but protecting your home.

[/quote]

As strange as this may sound, I think it is correct advice. We can open doors by ignoring the spiritual repercussions of inviting mortal sin into our home. If protecting you home was not a spiritual issue, why would anyone bother to have their homes blessed?

I don't even want to get into the bad example that could be impressed upon your children should this couple decide to ignore your wishes and misbehave in your home.


#13

I remember a saying my parents had and I now have:

MY HOUSE, MY RULES, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT


#14

You can always switch it up dormitory style, you sleep in the same bed with the female friend and the male sleep with your spouse, then everyone gets a bed.


#15

Air mattresses are cheap! I got one at Target for $10 a few months ago. Then you will have one when you kids start having a friend stay over, too!:thumbsup:


#16

Move the kids in with you for the night, and free up that other room.


#17

[quote="KCT, post:16, topic:251790"]
Move the kids in with you for the night, and free up that other room.

[/quote]

That works, too. We used to pitch one of those inexpensive tents in our room when we travelled. We sometimes had to scoot the bed over to fit it in the hotel room, but the kids loved it. (More to the point, they couldn't roll out of it in the middle of the night!)

If you use the tent at home once in awhile, then when you go on vacation their immediate sleeping environment is familiar, and they have an easier time sleeping away from home. Ours was just the size to fit a double air mattress inside.

(This all assumes, of course, that the four year old is in a bed that will accomodate an adult.)


#18

Do you have a friend in the area who might have a room for the guy? You could keep the girl at your place and the guy could stay at another place. Under no circumstances would I have them both in the same room at your home. Your kids would definitley pick up on it, kids pick up on pretty much everything. But that is a side issue. The main issue is that the man and woman should not be sleeping together. Even if they do so elsewhere, you should still not enable it in your own home.

If you are friends with the couple, and really want to be loving, explain the situation to them. Do so with Charity and with honesty. What's more important- avoiding the embarrasment of an awkward social situation or the eternal salvation of souls? If they are living together in an unmarried state they are living in mortal sin. Which means unless they repent they will go to hell. Those are hard words. They are also the truth. You might be suprised to find one or both of them very receptive to hearing what you have to say. Often someone enters into a sexual relationship out of pressure/fear of losing the other person, even though they are uncomfortable with the circumstances.

Pax.


#19

[quote="KCT, post:16, topic:251790"]
Move the kids in with you for the night, and free up that other room.

[/quote]

Sleeping bags on the floor and you are good to go! Kids love camp out night!


#20

[quote="KCT, post:16, topic:251790"]
Move the kids in with you for the night, and free up that other room.

[/quote]

Are you saying that they should give up their children's bedroom to this couple? The whole point of the OP is to say that she does NOT want to allow the unmarried couple to stay in the same room!


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