My subject is pretty self-explanatory. The thing is, I have a history of struggling with “romantic love” and closeness with men. My relationship with my dad wasn’t very close, and I had older brothers that used to mock and tease me ruthlessly, and it’s only been a few times in our adult lives that much real love has been expressed. So in a sense it’s been hard for me to be able to relate to a man loving me in a tender, genuine way. I kind of wonder if this is also why I have an easier time relating to Mary and Marian devotions compared to Jesus. Kind of strange, I know. Now I think there comes a point where you have to stop using your family background as an “excuse” – you have to “get over it.” I did fall in “romantic” love with someone before, but he actually didn’t really love me when I think about it. It was mostly me doing the pursuing and I broke up with him eventually. The experience broke my heart pretty badly. I was so much closer to my mother as well, and after she died in 2003, I’ve grown a bit closer to my father but I am still afraid of him sometimes. He was pretty strict and emotionally distant, but I know he was doing his best and what he thought was right. I get a little frustrated with him at times because it’s like he frowns down on the idea of us asking him for help, I guess he gets afraid of coddling. But again, it’s how he was raised.
I’m engaged, and it’s not like I don’t feel any attraction or romantic love towards my fiance. I just can’t relate to things I perceive as “mushy.” And we’ve discussed this plenty of times – I tell him that I’m sorry if I am distant sometimes, and I am trying not to be. He tells me not to worry about that so much.
I feel bad that some people are excited before they get married and more often than not I feel anxious about whether or not I will be cut out for it and how it will all work out. Maybe I’m just imagining all of the suffering that comes with marriage and not thinking about the joys of it. I’m a bit anxious because he’s been having a hard time with his job lately, he’s unhappy with it, and I’m worried about him. It’s not really how I really want to start things off… but I guess as I told him it’s not going to get any easier.
Storm heaven, please!!