How can a christian man compete for women WITHOUT having sex with them


There have been books on top of books writen on the task of dating women because this is a difficult thing for those outside the church… let alone inside the church.

So the question again is how dose a christian man close the deal and get a woman to marry him WITHOUT ever having sex with her before marriage.

Women seem to be super attached to men outside the church because they had sex with them, and thats reguardless of how the men treat them… so sex must be the glue in many relationships.

For a christian man… what besides money do you have to compete with men who are having sex with women… which seemingly mskes them fall in love with men that it makes no sence for them to be with.


How many of these “sex is the glue” relationships last for any real amount of time?


If you have dated a woman long enough to consider marriage, then she would surely would understand your personal decision to refrain from making love💘.


And if they do last, do you really know how happy they are?


This is where we run into the “holier than thou” argument. I know that posters here on CAF really disparage the use of “the majority” when speaking of social dogma, but in this case i think it is logical. When 95% of Western men and women do not wait for marriage to make love, I think it is presumptuous and just a little ignorant to believe that they cannot be in love and as happy as those who made their own personal decision to not be intimate before marriage.


One issue may be that it seems you are looking for women who don’t share the same Christian standards as you. There should be practicing Christian women who do hold the standard of waiting to have sex after marriage so your question would not be a problem for these types of women. The harder problem may be finding these types of women.

So if you’re wondering how to have a good relationship with women who want pre-marital sex then your best bet is moving the relationship along faster than usual. Doing this she won’t have to wait too long for sex. Moving fast is not always a problem if the couple speeds up the talking and doing the things that it would take to get to know someone. If it only takes a few months for you to know enough about a girl to know that you want to marry her than moving fast is a moot point.

Also, I think you’re selling yourself short when you imply that most women would prefer guys who want premarital sex. I don’t believe that is the case. If you have woman friends from work, Church, or relatives, then I’d talk to them on that issue, as well. When I talk to other guys about girls, they tend to make it too much about sex when there’s more to women than just that.


I don’t think it’s holier than thou, I just think we need to be careful about assuming that just because someone “has” a man or woman, that their situation is peachy. There are lots of unhappy relationships and marriages that look fine to outsiders, and single people can be envious of these and the circumstances, without knowing much of the particulars.


Interesting point indeed, I know so many strong catholic marriages that the couple engaged in sex while they were dating that it is hard to make a claim that this is destructive or not. At the same time I know marriages have failed where they followed tradition. And of course vice versa.

So I am not sure what is the best thing to do.

Maybe a individual thing I gather


Let me tell you a little story. I had a girlfriend, we had sex before marriage, got married, had kids , then got divorced, I had it annulled. I then let go and let God. I told him I would not date, nor have sex before marriage again and for him to just bring my wife before me. I also asked st. Jude, st. Rita, and st. Anthoney to pray for this. Within a year I met a women who was at the same point I was we knew each other 2 months and got married w/o having sex before hand. 15 years strong now.

My point is God has someone for you. Let him guide you and avoid a string of bad relationships

If you do things God’s way , regardless of our culture, he will not let you down. Somewhere out there is a woman wondering the same thing, saying" how can I get a husband without having sex before marriage? Men won’t wait that long." Let God guide you to each other. He doesn’ t need your help.


As a young Catholic man in the US, I can fully sympathize with the difficulties of the original poster here. While many women might would prefer to wait until marriage to have sex, that is is so contrary to modern culture that most women think a man either doesn’t like them, or is not manly enough, or is a religious zealot if he doesn’t want pre-marital sex. It’s viewed as a sort of “rite of maturity” nowadays to fornicate, and many people don’t even think it’s wrong so long as you’re committed. I see very few traditional relationships nowadays with anyone under 40, or even 50. I see so many who say “we dated, moved in, had kids, got engaged and got married”. It’s a reverse order.

However, I think it’s important to not take a purely pragmatic view of the situation. Being Catholic is about principle, not practicality. Whether marriage works better or not when we refrain from pre-marital sex is not really the point. Sin is what disrupts marriages; it doesn’t have to be the sin of fornication that does it. What IS important is doing God’s will, which is that sex is purely meant to be within a heterosexual marriage, and anything outside is contrary to His will. So, living in a largely un-Catholic (not necessarily un-Christian, as most Protestants don’t seem to have a problem with it) world, we must be patient and selective but never relent our principles. I wish you all the best in your search. :slight_smile:


First, you find a place where practicing Catholics can meet other practicing Catholics.

I watched “relationships” turn into mostly it’s the sex and money. It took decades of the media telling people that. In order for it to end, we, men and women, need to realize that really getting to know the other person is what really matters for a friendship and, if things work out, marriage. Not, finding out after the ceremony: “Oh my God! I’ve married a real jerk or someone I’m not really compatible with or who has a personal problem I can’t cope with!”

I met a total doll, age 31, who was divorced. Reason? “I had to kick him out of my house because I found out he was a nut.” Length of time married? “Nine months.”

We need real trust, real friendship and real compatibility to be there before the ceremony. Yes, attraction is the starting point but behavior and compatibility are the things that make relationships last. We also need love and commitment. Women do want babies as well as men. Talk about that if that’s what you want. Find out what each of you expects marriage will be before the ceremony. If all the other person wants is a big house, money for clothes, jewelry and trips, well… that’s a good time to find out.

Showing respect for each other is also a good sign. Like no sex before marriage.



It’s not “holier than thou.” It’s a simple recognition that sin never makes someone happy. Sin always harms the sinner. They might not want to admit it, but it is true. Thus,

Sex outside of marriage is always sinful
Sin is always harmful to our happiness
Ergo, those who have sex outside of marriage are less happy than they would be had they waited.

It’s simple logic and belief in the truths of the Catholic Faith that lead to this position. Nothing more.


To the OP, I have to paraphrase mom, “if a woman wants you to sin to make her happy, she isn’t the right woman anyhow.” Find a good Catholic girl (or at least a good Christian girl), one who respects the spousal meaning of sex. It might sound impossible, but believe me, it isn’t. They are out there and they are worth waiting for.


The best thing is always to avoid sin, especially mortal sin. ALWAYS. Pax.


Disappointment comes from having unrealistic expectations going unsatisfied. There ought to be nothing appealing - nothing whatsoever - about a woman that has sex with somebody other than her husband. Fornication, just like any other sin imaginable, is the result of relying on your own strength instead of on God’s graces. Your strength is always insufficient, so you have to turn to sex and/other things as a disgraceful supplement for your comfort & strength.

The ideal mindset for a man is that there entire female gender is either A) his mother (Mary), B) his sister, or C) his wife. Even if you don’t have a wife, you will always have a mother that has given her heart completely to you, and you have countless sisters in Heaven that have done the same. A Catholic man is never lacking in female affection for a single instant in his life, and indeed, God has explicitly made him such that he cannot be happy without her. But, when Adam was sad because he was lonely, God never had in mind that the means to fill that emptiness has to be a wife. This void is also filled with our mother and with our sisters, and in some respects, they provide a joy in our heart that a wife does not offer.

It’s easier to get a woman when you sell yourself and it’s also much easier to lose it. Devout Catholic marriages persevere almost 100% of the time… literally. You’re the brother of Jesus and Mary’s son. Just focus on better living up to that more and more everyday and I 100% guarantee that wise & charitable women will see that in you, and they will be attracted to it. In the mean time, you have all the love you could ever need, even if it isn’t with a wife.


“A good Catholic girl”? :confused:


There actually ARE women, although admittedly proportionately few, who want to wait till marriage. I know I am one of them, and it’s been like finding “hen’s teeth” here to find a man who would be willing to wait till after marriage. So yes, women who want to wait DO exist, like men who want to wait, but they are VERY hard to find in these troubled times.


Anytime you start listening to the voice in your head saying that you need to break a Commandment to be happy, give your head a shake. It’s the Deceiver who wants to make a train wreck of your life.

Sex before marriage. Lets look at some effects of how sex before marriage has made people happy.

How many millions of abortions were done because of 2 people who had sex without being married? How many broken hearts and regrets that go with these abortions, not to mention a first born baby never seeing a first birthday. This is not good for women or babies.

The amount of people infected with sexually transmitted diseases has skyrocketed, plus the number of diseases you can catch. Faithfulness to the Commandments would erase this plague, and we have more than ever. What a wedding gift for your wife. Lord have mercy!

How many divorces have happened because someone woke up one day and said “What on earth was I thinking” because they had sex and bonded with a person they should never had a second date with. How many children are from broken homes? A train wreck, and one that goes on for generations.

I could go on, but here’s the truth. Don’t listen to that liar that says you have to break a Commandment to be happy. It’s the path to a disaster, one that isn’t instantly obvious, but you have the benefit of seeing the fruit of others’ mistakes.

I think you need some building up of confidence that God is in your life and that he is interested in Godly dating and Godly marriages. Read some stories in the Old Testament of Godly men and women and see the blessing they came into. In Christ we have the power of God to change the world. Becoming like the world neutralizes this power and makes the Deceiver happy. He’ll have won and he’ll move on to another poor soul, whispering into another ear.

Right now you are single. Be the light to the world you are called to be by treating women in a Godly manner. The world needs your example of Christ in the world, especially in how to date. At some point when you do meet your life partner, strengthen your resolve to live a married life that glorifies God. One step at a time. Show God you mean business in being faithful and hang on to his hand. You won’t be disappointed, and you won’t have regrets. God bless and strengthen you today.


Yes, they are out there. The media, including the internet, has convinced some they don’t exist. That was the goal for each teenage Catholic guy and girl: No sex before marriage. PERIOD!

And we believed in that. In cases where a mistake was made, a sincere desire to turn away from that should be welcomed by the other person. Being mostly about sex and money and “who cares what God and the Church tells us about this” is not a worthwhile or good worldview.



“Good”, to me, means someone who tries their level best to help those in need, not to be judgemental to the point of God, and not to be a bigot regarding race, religion or sexual orientation. Remaining a virgin is a personal choice that young woman and men make when they come to that point in their lives. Personally, as a Mom, I would much rather have a child who is not a virgin than a child who is bigoted. Hate is a sin that permeates your entire being.

Just how goofy would it look to put this ad up on an internet dating site:

Female Virgin seeking Male Virgin for quickie marriage. Must be a Catholic who thinks that sexual sins trump murder, rape and racism. Sluts and players need not apply.:eek:

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