I started masturbating 4 years ago when I was 18 and mixing with the wrong sort of people. Ever since then ive been trying to stop, I do it at least 3 times a day, sometimes a lot more, though there have been occasions where I have stopped myself from doing it for at least a day. During those 4 years I refused to receive communion or go to confession because of it.
I did try when I was 19 to go to confession, but I was too ashamed to confess to my own parish priest about that, so I held it back. After that I didn’t try to go again, because I thought I needed to try to stop it altogether and then id be able to confess. But I was never able to stop so this year for Easter I decided to go to confession at a different parish far away from my own, I thought that maybe by going it would help me to stop. After I left the confessional, I felt so happy, happier then I had been in ages, I thought that was it, that I would never do it again, but I gave in and did it again only five days after, and have been ever since.
Im so ashamed of doing it, and I think I am truly sorry for doing it, because I’ve cried about it, ive prayed to God and Mary to help me be truly sorry for it, and to help me to want to stop. But at the times when I am tempted to do it, it becomes more important to me, like it’s the only thing that I want and I start to block all thoughts of God out of my head, and I knowingly do it even though I know it’s a sin. I keep telling myself to stop and try to remind myself what kind of person I want to be and that this is not pleasing to God, but then I go ahead and do it any way.
I don’t know what I should do, ive become very ashamed of praying to God and to Our Lady Mary. Ive started trying to say “O Mary my Mother, keep me from mortal sin”, and ive started trying to pray morning and evening prayers, but im still doing it and I feel so horrible for praying while im still doing it. I feel as though if I was truly sorry then I would be able to stop and never do it again, so every time I ask for Gods forgiveness and apologize it feels like im being insincere. I cant even look at the holy pictures in my room anymore, I don’t feel as though I am worthy enough to look at them.
I want to go to confession again, but I feel as though its inevitable and that im just going to end up doing it again. I was so happy receiving the Eucharist during Easter, I was intending to go to mass every single day but then I went and did “it” again and I haven’t had communion since. Im too ashamed to talk to my Parish priest about it, I know I shouldn’t be but I am. I think im going to try to start saying the rosary daily, but what if even then im still unable to stop? I feel so ashamed already.
Im really sorry, i didnt mean for this to be so long!