How can I deal with my husbands dark past and present?

I recently found out my husband has been engaging in sexual behavior through promiscuous websites with both men and women. He says the interactions were all online and never physical. I have seen extremely dirty messages to men which he states excites him into physical sexual acts with himself. He says he was molested as a child by a male and the sexual encounters are because of this. I feel broken in our marriage. He just became Catholic at Easter and I don’t understand any of this or what to do. I feel God has left our marriage and understand now why we have had infertility problems since we were married. I want to blame his actions for it.why would God bless a child to a couple like us? I need help understanding what to do and whether I should even try to work threw this. He claims he wants to stay married and get help but I don’t know how to help him or help myself. I’m terrified, lost, broken, and hurting.

Dear friend,

I can understand that you are hurt, angry and confused. I would not immediately conclude that your husband’s actions are responsible for the fertility problems. You have done nothing wrong in this and your husband did not ask to be molested. What you are dealing with is the aftermath of molestation. As for God leaving your marriage because of this, He doesn’t desert people because they are broken, frightened–even if they have sinned.

It does seem that your husband withheld information about his sexual problems from you before you were married in the fear that you would leave him. If this is the case, you would not have any difficulty in divorcing him and having the marriage annulled.

I suggest that you spend time with the Lord before a crucifix, or better, before the Blessed Sacrament reflecting on the Lord’s passion. It too was messy and painful. Yet He willingly took it on because He considers us worth it. Ask Him to help you discern what He wants for you. Below is a reflection on His passion to help you focus. Feel free to write me privately by clicking on my name above.

You are in our prayers.

Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P.

Reflection on the Passion of Our Lord, Jesus Christ

The agony in the garden was really the agony in His mind. He suffered the passion in His mind before He suffered it in His body—to the point of actually affecting the latter by sweating blood. From here on, the mental and physical suffering played off each other and caused Him greater pain. At the base of all His suffering was the one thing that human beings dread the most: rejection. He was betrayed by Judas, denied by Peter and abandoned by all the rest of His Apostles; those He had hand-picked as His closest Reflection on the Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ +
intimates. He was most rejected by those who put Him to death. They not only wanted Him dead, they wanted Him more than dead… They wanted Him to suffer. This significance was not lost on Him. He felt fully the rejection as each physical agony reminded Him.

So we thank Him for joining us on our human journey and actually choosing to experience what we fear the most. We thank Him for enduring the arrest and the cruelty of the guards and the Sanhedrin. We thank Him for enduring the cruelty of Pilate who allowed Him to be executed rather than risk his own political ruin—and for the cruelty of Herod who considered Him not worth his time. We thank Him for all the time He spent satisfying their preoccupation with themselves, just delaying His ultimate death. We thank Him for the anxiety of that night in a cell.

The next morning He was brutally scourged with whips, then with whips with nobs at the end, and finally with whips with hooks that gouged out chunks of flesh. There was blood everywhere. The loss of so much blood not only severely weakened Him; it also caused a severe, throbbing headache that remained with Him for the duration.

We thank Him for this and for the mockery He received when they put a filthy purple cloth on His shoulders and open wounds. The Shroud of Turn tells us that the cap- like crown of thorns caused ‘the worst pain that man is heir to; devastating and unbearable.” This in addition to the headache he already had. Then they blindfolded Him and battered His forehead, brow, right upper lip, jaw and dislocated His nose; insisting that He ‘prophesy’ who had hit Him. Yet they were the ones who couldn’t see. Then they spat on Him.

He stood at the praetorium in utter disgrace according to the attitude of the crowd—while in reality, He stood in utter glory: almighty God, being present to every person who has ever suffered rejection, joining them in their moment of pain. It was there that He was sentenced to death by crucifixion. Physically, He was utterly miserable. He revealed to St. Bernard that carrying the cross was His most painful agony. He was so weak and thirsty, the pressure and trauma of the crown of thorns and blows to His head made the weight of the cross almost unbearable. Scripture tells us that He fell down three times on the stone streets that were filthy with animal dung—with the cross on top of Him. But the Shroud shows that He fell many, many times. And He got up each time.

It was only with the help of Simon of Cyrene that He made it to the top of Calvary. The Shroud tells us that the nailing to the cross caused (causalgia), agonizing pain like lightening bolts traversing the arms and the legs. After three hours of hanging there, his body just gave out. The Shroud gives as the cause of death: “cardiac and respiratory arrest due to hypovolemic and traumatic shock, due to crucifixion.” Transcending time, the moment of His death covers every human person who has ever lived or will live, but it also remain IN time as the Eucharist, present to us on the altars and in the tabernacles of the world.

We thank you, Lord. We adore you and we praise you. By your holy cross, you have redeemed the world.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit