I mentioned earlier in the week that my boyfriend’s daughters were snatched from his sister’s home by his ex-wife. After he gets paid, he’s going to go home to the Philippines to look for them. In the Philippines, that’s probably the best way to get them back, although he has the police and family friends looking for them now.
My boyfriend is grieving, obviously. He’s burying himself in work until he is able to actively look for them. He has been in touch with me by text message and he called me once, but I haven’t seen him since it happened. I live about an hour and a half away from him, and I’ve been to his town twice this week but both times he was working and couldn’t see me. He just started a second job, and I don’t know where it’s located so I can’t just show up at his workplace to see him.
I’m sure he doesn’t want to “date” me while this is going on - it would be in very poor taste. I just want to do something nice for him to make sure he’s taking care of himself. I don’t know what to do. A friend suggested giving him a back rub or a hug or something to make him feel loved, but I haven’t been able to see him and I think he’s avoiding me because he might feel he doesn’t deserve to feel loved or comforted while his children are missing. I think he feels guilty that he even has a girlfriend when his children need him, and I can understand that. But since he can’t do anything to help them until he gets there, I’d like to do something to help him keep his strength up until he can fly out there.
I’m trying to find little things I can do to let him know that I care and I’m here for him, even if he doesn’t feel he deserves it. I’m sending him supportive text messages, but he rarely responds to those. I’m also just sending normal messages - how are you? what time do you finish work? how’s work going? - and he responds to them, so I know he’s functioning.
The only other thing I can think to do is to show up at his apartment with some homemade food or groceries or something. I don’t have a key, but I could leave it on the step or ask his roommates to give it to him if they’re home. If his roommates are home, I could also consider doing his laundry or some other menial task that it probably hasn’t occurred to him to do while he’s grieving, but I think that might be too presumptuous.
Or I could just give him his space to grieve, while being in touch. That’s okay too, but I want to do something to take care of him because I know he’s barely eating or sleeping. Any suggestions?