i’m going to try my best to keep this short and to the point, as i’ve bothered you all enough with my endless posts and don’t want to become annoying to anyone on here.
i’ve posted enough describing my spiritual depressions, so when i say that i’m enduring an extremely severe one at the moment, most of you should know what i’m going through. i’m desperately in need of healing, and so tired of living like this - not knowing when the next attack will happen, and how severely i will fall into darkness and despair - but i don’t know how to receive it. i feel so broken, so lost, like i’m literally drowning in everything consuming me. at the same time, i’m doing my best to reach out to others, but it’s starting to become too much. tonight i planned to work on a note to an acquaintance who is struggling, just encouraging her and seeing how she is doing, and to work on responding to posts on here and to posts on a certain self-harm and depression support website. the problem is, i’m feeling extremely overwhelmed with all that i want to accomplish, especially since i can barely breathe at the moment myself. as the title states: how can i help others when i can’t breathe myself? i don’t want healing because i care about myself - i don’t even matter to myself anymore. i’m drowning in self-loathing and don’t know how to make it stop, how to make this end. i want healing so that i can truly help others and lead them to the Lord, especially on this support site just overflowing with pain and people struggling with atheism, homosexuality, self-harm, suicidal ideation, etc. i feel very desperate at the moment, because i want so much to reach out to these broken people, but how can i help anyone when i’m still broken myself?
my therapist tells me that i need to focus on myself instead of on others, but that feels so selfish to me. i don’t care enough about myself to want to focus on myself - i want to make a difference in the world, but right now all that i feel is worthless and useless, a failure. last night i just broke down completely at the very idea of God being able to love someone like me, and i know that until i believe that i am loved by God, i can’t truly bring that love to others. i want to trust in Him - i don’t want to make Him sad or angry, or Satan happy - but i don’t know how. i try so hard to please Him, but it never seems like enough. my scrupulosity and OCD fills my mind with obsessive and blasphemous thoughts and curses, and it won’t go away. i try so hard, and it’s never enough. i compare myself to others, and always fall short. this is only suffering that i bring upon myself, suffering that i must deserve.
i’m so sorry for bothering all of you - you’ve heard enough from me. it’s just that God seems silent, i’m having trouble hearing His voice, my friends don’t understand when i talk about faith and this is the only place where i can find support and comfort without bothering my pastor, who has also heard enough from me. i feel like such a failure because i’m always whining about my depressions, and try so hard to move on from them, yet i always end up falling all over again. i just want to care about others, i don’t want to care about myself. i’m so unhealthy and so broken, and i don’t know what to do about it. i feel unloved and alone.
please, could someone help me?