Okay, backstory: So, I am not officially a Catholic, but I am joining RCIA and have already felt a strong conversion in my heart. Before this I was an agnostic. I am 20 years old and married, my husband is still agnostic. We've been married since October '09 and are currently contracepting.
We got married pretty young. I was 19 and he was 20. My family is somewhat left-leaning and "modern" and I think that my mom and dad think I am too young to have children still, even though I am married. We have a dog and two cats and, though I'm glad we are good pet owners, I think we have replaced babies with the dog and....yeah, I'm not sure if that is healthy. I do want to be a mother, I am just so scared. We struggle enough being a young couple in what still seems like a scary grown-up world, I just can't see how we could afford a baby. I stay home because of mental illness and my husband works very hard, but we still only barely scrape by. I mean, I know that no one starts out thinking they can 'afford' a baby, and that God always provides, I just don't want to be irresponsible. And I don't want my family to think less of me for having children.
I am also really scared of childbirth. I don't know if the media is to blame or whatever, but whenever I think about childbirth, no matter how much I feel like I would love to be a mother, it just disgusts me. I'm really afraid of all the pain, and I have panic disorder and I just know that I won't be able to handle that pain without having a panic attack and having an attack while in labor seems just awful. I'm terrified of something bad happening to the baby or me. I wish I could just skip the delivery part and have my babies.:o
I guess I am wondering how other couples got over their fear of childbearing. Ideally, I'd like to stop contracepting and welcome as many children into the world as God sees fit to bless me with. I just worry about being irresponsible. Not to mention that, since my husband and I aren't quite on the same page spiritually (He is VERY supportive of me and my spiritual journey to Jesus, but he's just not in a place to come with me on that journey right now.) he doesn't have the same religious reasons for desiring kids. He does want to be a father, but for him it is more of a "someday" thing.
So..uh...what should I do? :/