***** I’m posting this in the “Non-Catholic Religions” forum because I’m currently an Episcopalian, but I went to a Catholic high school and primarily follow Catholic moral teachings. I will probably convert to Catholicism at some point in the future after I’ve graduated from college.**
While riding the train home from work today, I suddenly remembered a bad (but not sexual or obviously blasphemous) thought I’d had several months ago. At the time I had this thought, I knew that I shouldn’t be thinking that, but at the time it didn’t seem like a “big deal”. (It definitely felt like a venial sin). So I lived the next several months without feeling much guilt over this particular thought.
In hindsight, however, I realize having this particular thought was probably a grave matter (it was a pretty aweful thought),and I did consent to having the thought, so I’m pretty sure it was a mortal sin.
Since realizing this was a mortal sin about five hours ago, I’ve had this incessant feeling of extreme guilt, to the point where thinking coherently or performing my normal tasks has become difficult. At one point I even crumpled to my bedroom floor and started crying in a ball. I’ve tried praying several Our Father’s and Hail Mary’s (about ten of each), but I still just feel completely disgusted with myself.
And the worst part is, up until this afternoon I was feeling more connected to/at peace with God than I had for awhile. It’s pretty discouraging to have all that inner peace suddenly shattered for something that is, in some sense, out of my control (since past actions are out of our control after they’ve occurred).
But since I’m not a Catholic, I can’t necessarily solve this by going to Confession. (The Episcopal Church does believe in the sacrament of Confession but doesn’t view it as mandatory and doesn’t regularly offer it).
Thank you for any advice!