How did this happen?


#1

My boyfriend’s parents have been married for around thirty years. His mom told his dad about a month ago that she had filed for divorce. I know that I can’t see what goes on behind closed doors, but from the outside, she has everything she could ever want. A loving husband who would do anything for her, children that love her, and a beautiful home and pets, etc. They have a summer house that she likes to go to, just got a new job that she really wanted, and I can’t see what was so wrong with her life.

She’s acting like she wants to be young and independent and on her own. She had her children very soon after marrying young, so she never really had her twenties. But her husband has never held her back from doing whatever she wanted to do.

She apparently had been thinking about this for some time and just told her husband. She appears to be doing fine and he is a wreck. He has moved out of the house and into his own apartment.

My boyfriend is the youngest of three children (two out of the house and he is a junior in college). He’s taking it very hard. He hates to see his family fall apart and feels badly for his dad. He’s resenting his mom a little bit because she acts like everything is ok. She has consented to go to marriage counseling but admitted that she’s not reallly interested in trying very hard.

They are a faithful Catholic family and I just don’t know what to say/do for any of them. My boyfriend is hoping his mom just needed some space and will come back, but it’s looking doubtful. What can I do?!?


#2

I don’t think YOU can do anything. This is their marriage and they need to sort it out for themselves.

You should just try to comfort your boyfriend as much as possible and support him through this but please stay out of it. If he badmouths his mom, do not join in or even agree with him. If you start badmouthing her and then they reconcile, your boyfriend will probably resent you for it.


#3

pray. Also don’t expect a ring any time soon from your boyfriend. He will go through doubt about marriage since he is witnessing his parent’s marriage falling apart. My parents divorced when I was 7 and my brother was 16. He had years of struggling with “how can a marriage work when my parent’s marriage didn’t” (he finally got over it when he was 31). Since I was young and was required to deal with the whole situation head on (had to have visitation with my dad every other weekend, my brother NEVER went to my dad’s unless it was for a party and he didn’t ever sleep over night). I have always believed in love and marriage and don’t doubt that a couple can remain forever married.


#4

I, too, have been shocked by the sight of families falling apart when everything seemed “perfect” in their lives. The truth is, some people are very, very good at hiding problems and unresolved mental illnesses. Just look at all the child abusers that get to keep their children because they put on such a good “front” for the authorities. (Note: I am not implying that the couple being discussed engages in child abuse.)

You really have no way of knowing what actually happened, or which party was at fault.


#5

PRAY, PRAY, PRAY

As an ‘outsider’ you really can’t do anything else. Support you boyfriend, but don’t ever bad-mouth his mother. In very rare situations is it all one person’s fault. And since we all pray that his parent’s can be reconciled (and even if they aren’t, his mom will still be part of the family), you will need to be able to interact with her.

I am praying for you!


#6

Thanks for all your prayers – My boyfriends mother suffered a fall and broke a rib that punctured her lung. She’s been to the hospital and she is ok. My boyfriend (we’ll call him D)'s dad is a doctor, and his mom asked if his dad would stay the night last night. I don’t want to get my hopes up. Did she ask him to stay because she was scared and wanted a doctor around? Or is it some kind of sign from God telling her she’s not invincible and God put these two together to take care of eachother?


#7

there is nothing you can do expect be there for your friend, and pray for the family.
there is also absolutely no way you can know what wrong with this marriage, nor can the children of the marriage ever fully understand.

There is not guess we could make, no judgement, no comparison with statistics, with other couples that would come close to the truth in this instance.

however I can tell you what couples of my generation have learned the hard way (married 35+ years, grew up, dated and married in the early days of the sexual revolution when ABC first became available).
that is, and it is being borne out by research as well as testimony of thousands of women my age and older:
those who lived together before marriage and those who used ABC, and many times those things overlap, often have come to feel when kids are grown, that the couple has nothing in common, they never grew in real intimacy because of sex too early in the relationship, the women now feel used because the marriage was based on sex-on-demand. As they get older, importance of sex declines due to health or other reasons, they find there is no communication outside of bed, no intimacy and no unity.

it is a source of anger, resentment, regret among thousands of my comadres and is proving to be a real marriage-breaker. The warning to the younger generation is that premarital sex and using birth control will kill your marriage, the only thing that will vary is when you hold the funeral.


#8

i dont know… i do feel that God might have done this to make her understand what she is in for once she separates from her husband…

hopefully this lets her know the importance of the marriage…


#9

well, maybe not God … but maybe her Guardian Angel gave her a little nugde…:wink:


#10

I doubt a guardian angel would cause its charge any kind of injury.


#11

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