How do I advise my brother?


#1

My brother is very intelligent, he has a genius IQ in fact but when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex he is a mess.

He is having major problems with his marriage. Both he and his wife are at fault.

When he calls me, I don’t know how to advise him. Neither he nor his wife want to go to therapy. She because she doesn’t like to tell her problems to strangers and him because he says he is too busy. Both express a desire to save this marriage.:frowning:

My brother’s relationship with his wife started with an affair. Both were with other people. My brother was living with his wife’s friend and his future wife was married but separated(She was still talking to her hubby)

IN their marriage, they have both had affairs, called each other names and argued horribly. They are both very jealous. She calls him several times a day and he checks up on what she is doing.

My SIL also accused our sister of having a sexual relation with my brother! Agh.:frowning: This is not true. My sister has lunch about once a week with my brother. That is it. Her husband, like mine is overseas, and my brother works in the same town that she lives in. So, he has helped her with the kids. That’s it.

My SIL kicked my brother out of the house, but she wants him to come home on weekends. He lives with my sister through the week and might spend a few weeks with me also.

My brother informed his wife that he would buy a house and she could keep their old one. He would make payments on both. She got angry because she said that he was not trying in the marriage any longer.

My siblings and I grew up with a overly melodramatic mother who was constantly in and out of relationships. I fear that my brother is comfortable with melodrama even though he and his wife are making one another miserable.:frowning:

I worry about them both but what upsets me most is that outside this marriage they are both decent people. They help others unasked. They work jobs in the medical field that they both love and are both dedicated to their patients.

There is a lot more to this but I will stop now. I think that you all get the gist of this without my going into details.

What do I say to my brother and how do I help them? How do you help people who seem to do their best to undermine their own marriage?


#2

Is your brother a religious man? Would he be open to reading a book or two about how to have a good relationship?


#3

When anyone is having relationship problems in their marriage I always point them to The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.


#4

Its hard to describe my brother’s religious tendencies. He definitely believes in a God and he at least expresses a belief in Christ. He has asked his wife to attend church with him but she doesn’t want to go.

I think that a lot of my brother’s religion is based on how he feels at the moment. At one point he was attending a pentecostal church. But I have problems getting him to go to church with me.

He might read a book on relationships. I could purchase him one anyway. Maybe he will look it over.


#5

My brother is the same way…he considers himself a Catholic Buddist which no one in the family understands but seems to work for him at the moment. Personally I think he might as well belong to the Church of What’s Happening Now.

Anyway, what does help with my brother is an appeal to his intellect. Would that appeal to your brother?


#6

I find it peculiar that the lady would kick your brother out of the house and then complain when he gets another and leaves her alone in the old one, paying for both. I think it’s quite generous of him. By contrast, her actions suggest that her attitude is one that she can kick him out of the house and he’s obliged to try hard to have her reconsider it. This likely means he’s obliged to do whatever she wants. Basically, manipulation. How I love that. Kick him out of the house and complains he gets himself a place to live. For one. Or complain that he gets himself a new place instead of trying to make her change her decision. I just love it when people make decisions while already wanting you to want them to change those. :rolleyes: What else is she thinking? That she can kick him out of the jointly owned house when she develops a suspicion? I’d be investigating her mental health and whatever falls under Canon 1095 if I were in your brother’s situation. This is not to say it would be the right thing to do, but that’s just what I would be doing. Personally, I hope never to end up with a wife who thinks she’s the boss in marriage (as much as I don’t want to be hers).

Since they are both peculiar types, so to say it might be good for them actually to make the effort and go through therapy. What about the legal side of previous marriage(s), if you don’t mind me asking? I’ll be praying for you and them soon, as it’s time for my evening prayers. :wink:


#7

Golly, it seems quite melodramatic to accuse one’s husband of incest.
I am always out and about with one of my 2 brothers who live about 2 miles away. I enjoy their company, they lug furniture about and carry my children. They will quite often come out with me on day trips when DH is in work. I guess some people when they see us together thing he is my husband-we will look at each other and laugh and go “eeeeew, no thanks!” in that terribly disparaging way only siblings can.


#8

It might. If he wasn’t my brother and I didn’t love him then I could probably give him very good advice. But all I do now is worry about both him and his marriage.


#9

My brother’s wife reminds me of my mom in many, many ways. I am pretty certain that my mother had an undiagnosed mental disorder.

You have to realize, this isn’t the only woman with irrational tendencies that my brother has been with. My brother stopped speaking with my mom due to her actions, yet he marries a similar woman.:frowning:

Also, about half the fault is my brother’s. I am not just blaming his wife. They both have had affairs.:mad:

Can a person have an addiction to melodrama?:frowning: :confused:

I just wish that I could fix my brother, so that he would only have his good qualities left. Its like he almost wants to make himself miserable.


#10

Deep down, I think that my brother wants to do what is right. I don’t understand how a man who is intelligent, well educated and compassionate in other regards can be so stupid when it comes to his personal life.:frowning:

Their actions toward each other are bizarre. My brother has a temper, although he isn’t violent and throws things. That isn’t good.:frowning: Both are very jealous and they check up on one another. I can’t imagine living like that.

I had a very odd phone call from my SIL-who has always been very, very nice to me, I have to say.

My hubby likes my brother a lot. My hubby left a message on the answering machine that said, “Its not important, Mike. Just wanted to see how you were doing.”

I answered the phone and my SIL was panting while she spoke(She called me, so she must not have run to answer the phone) She wanted to know if I thought something was wrong with Mike and what he had been telling me. I was flabbergasted because I didn’t at first understand why she seemed upset. Apparently, she interpreted the phone message to be my husband worrying about Michael’s well being.:confused: I explained that he was just being friendly, he probably wanted to go fishing or something. Sometimes people just want to touch base with friends.

I called my brother and he begged me not to leave phone messages on the machine because she reads into them. Okay…that’s strange.:confused:


#11

Tell him that you can’t possibly be neutral and objective in advising him on these issues and that he and his wife need professional help–and then stay out of the drama. There is absolutely NO upside to you getting imbroiled in this mess and drama. If he tries to draw you back in, change the subject. If he can’t take a subtle hint, remind him you can’t be both sister and marriage counselor. Some family dilemas a best solved without involving the entire family.


#12

Has he asked your for advice or does he just call to vent?

If he’s not asking for advice, don’t give any. Maybe he just wants you to listen.

If he’s asking for advice then not taking it, tell him you’ve made suggestions and now you’re out of ideas.

Don’t get dragged into something that’s not your problem.

—KCT


#13

I think the lady needs help. With respect, it’s not like your brother has everything in order, but the lady strikes as definitely more freakish. Additionally, I can see some fluctuations, so either she can’t control it or she’s playing. Whichever’s worse I don’t know, but I know I’d rather not be married to either.


#14

He is probably just calling to vent but how do you not try and help someone you love when they seem determined to mess up their personal life.:frowning: I love him very much and this bothers me.


#15

Trying to “fix” people is a good way to go crazy oneself. People cannot be fixed by others, they have to fix themselves. There are people who behave in ways that in time cause those around them to become “crazy.” I think counselors call it “crazy making” and some folks are really good at it.


#16

I know. I have 4 brothers and none of them have ended up in happy (or sacramental!) marriages. But they’re adults. Pray, sacrifice and be a good example. —KCT


#17

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