How do I become a better and more desirable person for my future spouse?


#1

Okay, so i've prayed really hard, and once again, I feel I am called to marriage. In the past I've felt the pull to marriage, but due to low self esteem and other issues i've felt since high school (i'm 23 btw) that i'd never get a girlfriend, and even went so far as to think about the priesthood because I couldn't get a priesthood:eek:

So anyway, how do I become a suitable marriage partner for someone. Obviously there is prayer, which I try to do everyday, though sometimes i'm a little lax. What else should I do. I feel there are some obstacles that make me not as desirable now. For one thing i'm overweight at 5 ft 7 and 216 lbs (though I am fairly well built, and am athletic enough to pray rugby, which I did for a few years)
I also don't really have a full time job now since I couldn't find a teaching position after I graduated,so I work part time at a grocery store on nights and weekends and substitute teach most days. I also don't really have any interests or things i'm involved in other than work. In college it was easy. I played rugby, participated in Newman Center and Model UN and a number of honor societies and such, but now i don't do much. I live in a really small town and my church doesn't have a youth group, let alone youth to make one organized. There are also not many opportunities to meet people my age unless I want to drive an hour, and even then its hard to be a part of these groups because my work schedule is kind of different. I also don't have any friends close by to do even non religious things like going to hockey games or to bars or dancing or things like that. Mostly I end up just watching netflix at home or play with my dog.

Also, how do I get over the experience problem. Due to my lack of self esteem and confidence I didn't pursue many girls. Even the girls I did pursue, I only got one date from them. I've also tried online dating (i've met about 5 girls from match, 1 from Catholic match which I switched to recently) and only one of them thought I was interesting enough to get another date (though we only went on 3 dates, though I think it was good, since she wasn't really a practicing catholic). Most girls seem to say i'm nice, but don't really click. How can I prevent this?

Lastly,are there any other things I need to do to make myself more desirable? I've mentioned all the issues I've came up with, but is there anything else I should do. If i'm going to be married someday, I want to be able to attract the right girls and live out my vocation fully to glorify god.


#2

To tell the truth, given what you have written, I'd say to continue with the dating site option for awhile. This will help with the "experience" issue and - well - experience takes time. So don't get frustrated.

Wish I could offer more....

Peace
James


#3

You post a lot about how you are upset and discouraged about finding a wife, how you are insecure, how you are getting frustrated, etc.

Honestly, the number one thing that you could do from my perspective is lose the desperation. It isn’t attractive, and it can even creep women out. Focus on taking everything one step at a time. Look for women to hang out with without pressure, stop looking to find a wife, focus on being funny, relaxed, and a good listener.


#4

Honestly, am not an expert in this area but i think!, since you kind of are aware of your weak points; it should make it easier for you to go round them.( They say he who knows they help can seek it unlike the one who does not know he need the help) Also do not try too hard to impress, just be yourself. I pray that, that right person will come around when the time is right and accept you for who you are.All the best.


#5

but how can I not be desperate. I don’t have ANY experience. No relationship. Most people I know have had at least one by my age. Also, its not like I want the next girl I meet to marry me, but I want to improve myself just in case the next person I meet is the right one. Its not like I want to get married right now. I want to improve things in order to make sure I can get the right person


#6

HI Benjammin,
I agree with the advice you are getting from others, especially the part about relaxing just a bit. It sounds as though you have two concerns:
1. As you are no longer going to school, you're feeling to homebound and your social life/interactions with other adults has lessened considerably and you would like to find way to address that. (and of course there is the time issue...)
2. You want to continue to improve yourself with the ultimate goal of making those improvements helpful to others, especially your future family.
With the first concern, you might make a list of the things that interest/excite you: Your faith, rugby, dogs, education (professional development). politics (based on Model U.N. interest). Make it a big list that includes stuff you would like to do or learn about as well as what you have already experienced.
Look for opportunities to develop one or two interests.
Perhaps consider a mix that covers spiritual, intellectual and physical development; i.e. monthly reading group, an activity (agility training for your dog?, geo-caching (can be done on your schedule and you'll meet others over time, cross country skiing-dog can go with, there has to be snow in Nebraska for a good bit oth the year :thumbsup:) the free John Paul II online course being offered as part of our year of faith, or a weekly/monthly faith group activity at your college town.
Is there a "Catholic Professionals" group that meets at your college town? How about a free first Tuesday or Thursday at the museums or art walk? Are there teacher associations you can become involved in? How about the local PTA?
Don't be afraid to explore stuff you think is interesting but that you feel quite out of your depth relative to others. They were out of their depth once too (and maybe still are but bluff a bit better...:)
As you continue to grow and your interests expand and develop, you will meet more people who have something in common with you. You visit with them, you do stuff together that appeals to both of you, or all of you.

I would drop that 4 letter "d" word entirely-it's putting too much pressure on you. "Doing stuff "is a lot lower key.
You don't want to rush marriage; it's a shared vocation and one person can't force it. Each day is part of Gods' plan for you. May you find beauty in the small things as He guides you through life. Amen.


#7

[quote="benjammin, post:5, topic:306316"]
but I don't have ANY experience. No relationship. Most people I know have had at least one by my age.

[/quote]

Hi Benjammin,
Try to remember that that 'experience' is the result of a failed relationship. There are guys and girls twice your age out there with 'tons of experience', and that is really sad. May God guide them to success in accordance with His holy will. Amen.


#8

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:3, topic:306316"]
You post a lot about how you are upset and discouraged about finding a wife, how you are insecure, how you are getting frustrated, etc.

Honestly, the number one thing that you could do from my perspective is lose the desperation. It isn't attractive, and it can even creep women out. Focus on taking everything one step at a time. Look for women to hang out with without pressure, stop looking to find a wife, focus on being funny, relaxed, and a good listener.

[/quote]

I agree with this. :thumbsup:

Along the same lines, I think it is important to realize that it is possible that you will never get married. And I'm not saying this to depress you, but to help you realize that as much as you want to get married you need to make sure that that desire is not the centre of your life. Start taking steps to ensure that you are living a life that you love right now without pinning all your hopes and dreams on getting married in the future. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should forget your desire to get married, but as BEL said, desperation is not very attractive. If you make this desire for marriage the centre of your life you will most likely come across as desperate to the women that you meet. If, instead, you start living a full and enjoyable life right now, whether or not you get married, then when a woman looks at you she will not just see some man desperate to get married, but a happy and confident man with an interesting life, somebody who is happy enough on their own that they are not looking for a woman out of desperation, butt rather out of sincere interest.

Also, your mention of your weight really struck me. You have to love you for who you are, whether or not women will go out with you. Being overweight does not in and of itself stop people from finding spouses. But if your weight causes you to have low-selfconfidence then that is very likely going to turn people away from you. Again, you need to love yourself for who you are now and the life you live for what it is now, then you will be able to develop the confidence that BEL correctly points out is so attractive to women.


#9

Maya Angelou is credited as saying, "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man has to seek Him first to find her."

Therein is an excellent clue in how to find her (it also yields a bonus in that one's confidence should be found in Christ, as well).


#10
  1. Start exercising, start at 20mins a day 3times a week. Walk in one direction for 10minutes and walk back, very easy. Slowly increase the days and minutes. Start drinking more water. You will be amazed at how many kilometres you will be covering in the next 3months. Apart from the obvious benefit of losing weight, exercising release endorphins which make you feel good, lightens your mood and increases energy levels. After 3months, join a walking or hiking club.

  2. Start a club for young Catholics, include other Christians. Organise social activities, such as hiking, ice-skating, movies, camping, dances, group dinners etc. This provides a non-threatening environment for the participants and an opportunity for young single people with similar ideals to get to know each other.

  3. From your post you seem to know yourself pretty well. Stop focussing on your negatives and things outside your circle of influence. You can't change your height, you can change your weight. You are a graduate. You have a job, you are not unemployed. If you do want to work full-time teaching, what better place than the Catholic Education system which is massive. Volunteer your time at a local Catholic school, when a permanent job does come up at that school, you already have your foot in the door.

Good luck. :thumbsup:


#11

So then how can I not be desperate then? I mean people tell me “let love find you” I’m the guy, don’t I have to pursue? I know I need to live a life and i’m trying to do that. I just worry i’ll end up getting married later like my parents. Nothing against being married later, but there are so many issues, and i’m worried i’ll be like my dad and won’t even live to see my kids grow up (he died when I was 15, he was 60).


#12

It takes time. It took me nearly a decade to get to that point.

Prayer helps. Not just for yourself, either. Pray for the woman you will eventually marry and for those married couples you know.


#13

[quote="benjammin, post:5, topic:306316"]
but how can I not be desperate. I don't have ANY experience. No relationship. Most people I know have had at least one by my age.

Also, its not like I want the next girl I meet to marry me, but I want to improve myself just in case the next person I meet is the right one. Its not like I want to get married right now. I want to improve things in order to make sure I can get the right person

[/quote]

With all due respect, I'm going to share my honest advice.

You should "improve" yourself because you deserve to be happy.

You shouldn't "improve" yourself because you want to be ready in the future for your soul-mate. Forget about a serious romantic relationship if that is your view.

At 23, it is time for you to change your view. You are not, as you imply, assigned to be desperate because you have no experience with girls. Yes, you are in a frustrating situation during your formative years and you rightly want to get a move on with your adult life. But you are also capable of making the most of it.


#14

[quote="benjammin, post:11, topic:306316"]
So then how can I not be desperate then? I mean people tell me "let love find you" I'm the guy, don't I have to pursue? I know I need to live a life and i'm trying to do that. I just worry i'll end up getting married later like my parents. Nothing against being married later, but there are so many issues, and i'm worried i'll be like my dad and won't even live to see my kids grow up (he died when I was 15, he was 60).

[/quote]

Like I said, you don't have to stop dating or looking for a spouse, of course you should pursue women, but if you are pursuing them because you are just desparate to get married they will probably be able to tell and it can be offputting. If you can learn to pursue them hoping something will work out but at the same time being ok with the fact that you might not ever get married you are less likely to end up seeming desperate.

As for your fear of getting married later on in life, getting married will always be difficult and it will always have challenges. Getting married when young has different challenges to getting married when older, but both have their own unique difficulties. And let me assure you that getting married to a young, but imature person is really not something you want to do. There's a reason why more divorces happen in marriages between those who married young. Also, even if you get married while young you could die in an accident and your children could still grow up without a father. We cannot control everything in life, we can only control our own actions the way we react to the life that we are given. I think it might be helpful for you to remember the prayer "Lord, not my will but yours be done" Put your desires in His hand and live the life you have now. Work towards the life you want, but be willing to accept the life you currently have if that is all that you end up with.


#15

=benjammin;10063793]Okay, so i’ve prayed really hard, and once again, I feel I am called to marriage. In the past I’ve felt the pull to marriage, but due to low self esteem and other issues i’ve felt since high school (i’m 23 btw) that i’d never get a girlfriend, and even went so far as to think about the priesthood because I couldn’t get a priesthood:eek:

So anyway, how do I become a suitable marriage partner for someone. Obviously there is prayer, which I try to do everyday, though sometimes i’m a little lax. What else should I do. I feel there are some obstacles that make me not as desirable now. For one thing i’m overweight at 5 ft 7 and 216 lbs (though I am fairly well built, and am athletic enough to pray rugby, which I did for a few years)
I also don’t really have a full time job now since I couldn’t find a teaching position after I graduated,so I work part time at a grocery store on nights and weekends and substitute teach most days. I also don’t really have any interests or things i’m involved in other than work. In college it was easy. I played rugby, participated in Newman Center and Model UN and a number of honor societies and such, but now i don’t do much. I live in a really small town and my church doesn’t have a youth group, let alone youth to make one organized. There are also not many opportunities to meet people my age unless I want to drive an hour, and even then its hard to be a part of these groups because my work schedule is kind of different. I also don’t have any friends close by to do even non religious things like going to hockey games or to bars or dancing or things like that. Mostly I end up just watching netflix at home or play with my dog.

Also, how do I get over the experience problem. Due to my lack of self esteem and confidence I didn’t pursue many girls. Even the girls I did pursue, I only got one date from them. I’ve also tried online dating (i’ve met about 5 girls from match, 1 from Catholic match which I switched to recently) and only one of them thought I was interesting enough to get another date (though we only went on 3 dates, though I think it was good, since she wasn’t really a practicing catholic). Most girls seem to say i’m nice, but don’t really click. How can I prevent this?

Lastly,are there any other things I need to do to make myself more desirable? I’ve mentioned all the issues I’ve came up with, but is there anything else I should do. If i’m going to be married someday, I want to be able to attract the right girls and live out my vocation fully to glorify god.

Three STEPS:

  1. Pray, use the sacraments and STAY close to God

  2. ASK your parents tell them to be candid

  3. Consider a Catholic or Chritian mingles group. Search the net for one. Avoid Atheist and Liberals; especially on MORAL issues and abortion.

UNDERSTAND ALL OF THESE OBLIGATES YOU NOT TO GET ANGRY OR UPSET OR EVEN ARGUE ABOUT WHAT THEY TELL YOU.:o


#16

Great attitude and desire. Bravo.

Work on the human virtues: Prudence, justice, temperance, fortitude and their cousins.

Read and STUDY Issac's book on Character Building.

Tackle one virtue a month, review results daily, small concrete steps.

Develop an interior life with God. Pray. Fixed period of mental prayer.

Begin with little things and steps.


#17

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