I’ll do my best to keep this short.
I was raised Baptist although I never really took faith seriously even as a child. As a college student I completely abandoned my faith although I never considered myself an atheist. I suppose I would call myself a “Deist”, i.e., believing that God had created the world but had more or less abandoned us.
Although I wanted to to believe there was always a wall there I couldn’t seem to get around on an intellectual level. In my early 30’s I lost my wife of 5 years in an accident. Afterward I started looking more seriously at the faith but was drawn to Catholicism. I went to RCIA and entered the church in the spring of 2005. I was happy for a while and then, slowly at first, chinks started getting taken out of my fragile armor. First it was the sedevacantists who were telling me that the church I belonged to wasn’t authentic. Loving tradition, I felt like I had been betrayed. I started noticing every liturgical abuse from the smallest to the largest. I became disgusted. I started doubting the authenticity of the Catholic Church. If they could fall to popular culture then they weren’t any different that the Protestant churches I ran from when I was in college. From there, I started doubting everything. Now I’m at a point where I’m worse off than before I ever darkened the door of a Catholic church. I’m bitter, angry, distrusting, etc., and most of it is directed at God who I feel just doesn’t care about us. I’m very, very angry with God. I’ve said some pretty nasty things about him, too. I think partly to provoke him - just to see if he’s actually listening. I know that sounds childish - especially for a 41 year old man - but I do feel as though I just don’t matter, that no amount of prayer, etc., ever makes an ounce of difference because he simply isn’t listening to us. Maybe to some - maybe his “favorites” - but not to the majority of us.
I’m also married and my anger and resentment is starting to affect my relationship with my wife. That really worries me.
What am I to do? When I go to Mass I feel like a fraud. I don’t like praying because I feel it’s useless and I’m also too proud to pray to a God who apparently doesn’t care about me.
Why is it so easy for some people to believe and not me? I’d give anything to have that peace but it seems impossible for me to go there intellectually: it’s so hard to believe in miracles, etc. I feel like I have to leave my brain at the front door in order to believe.
Sorry this is so long but I am DESPERATE. There are times I wish I was dead just so I didn’t have to deal with this any more. No, I would never consider suicide but I can’t imagine living like this the rest of my life. I just don’t know what to do about it.