How do I explain/tell my boyfriend about my chastity?


I am 16, a high-schooler. I am starting to really like a guy at my school, and this has me thinking ahead to a day when I will actually have a “real” boyfriend, be it next week or two years from now.

I have made the decision to be chaste, and am wondering how to tell my boyfriend/crush before it comes up physically, especially if the guy isn’t as religious as I.

I will not date anyone who doesn’t respect my decisions and body, but I don’t know how/what to tell them.

Does anyone have advice?


Be really blunt. It takes a long time to learn just how well males screen out that info. You could be wearing a chastity ring and a sweatshirt with “NO” on the front and back, and say, “And I’m not going to have sex” at the end of every other sentence, and some would get the message, many wouldn’t. The less experience of women they have, they harder it will be for them to get the message, normally, so in high school you have to be loud and clear.
So you can’t afford to wait for it to come up naturally. He says, "I’m Jacob (or whatever). Who are you?"
You say, "I’m Sylvia (or whatever), and I was just on my way to the courtyard to talk to my friend about our chastity."
He says, "Hey, I’ve seen you before, haven’t I?"
So you say, "Yeah, maybe at Chastity Club?"
If he asks why you bring it up so much, tell him going against the flow is a struggle and requires conscious determination.


See your decision as a choice, a resolve to do something positive. It isn’t so much you’re saying, “I’m not going to have sex”, as it is “I really look forward to the day when I can share it with someone I totally love and who totally loves me.”

I have been involved in mentoring kids. I always tell young people that in a healthy adult relationship, a man or woman will share every good quality of themselves with all others. All the emotions and qualities that make you unique and worthwhile you will share with others. The only thing you can give your future spouse on a mutually exclusive basis is yourself, physically.

You will love your future husband, but you will love your family, friends, and others.
You will respect your future husband, but you will respect others.
You may have a great sense of humor and your future husband will treasure that, but you will share that with others.
And the list goes on and on.
Healthy partners in a relationship understand that. Hopefully your future husband will understand that. And he will understand, and expect that the only thing that will be his and his alone, is you and your sexual expression. That belongs to him, and to go spreading that around now, is a transgression against him. Your choice of chastity now, is your statement of him, whoever he will be.

Chastity now is a statement of love right now for someone you will choose. And someone that God has chosen for you.

You can put it in religious terms, or you can put it in simple moral terms. But you have every right to have your choice respected.

And one last thing. Choosing chastity is a great way of seeing just how much a man respects you. Talk to any happily married person and they will tell you the respect, not necessarily love (although respect and love go hand in hand), is the foundation of a marriage. If any boyfriend refuses to respect your choice in something so important to you, isn’t he telling you just how much he really respects you ? Selfish husbands make lousy husbands. Something to chew on ?

My two cents.


Yes. Mary Beth… I think you’ll like her.:wink:
Real Love: Answers to Your Questions on Dating, Marriage and the Real Meaning of Sex (Paperback)

by Mary Beth Bonacci


My advice… you can say without saying it if you are shy. Say something like this: “I am a Catholic and I just love my faith and my Lord… it makes total sense to me… especially when I see so many broken families and young people who face terrible choices… The Church’s view on sex and marriage is something that I feel so blessed to have as a part of me”.

Talk to him like that… about your self… nothing about him in there… but then he can figure things out.
If you become friends with someone and you think about becoming his girlfriend… how can you even think about that if you dont know if he is serious about his relationship with Jesus Christ? Thats what you need: a real man.
People talk about things that matter to them… if Christ has not come up yet then you both need to work on your relationship with Him instead of looking for someone to date.

He is the only real and sound foundation of any relationship. People that pray together stay together… that goes for young people too…
be serious about love…


It’s one thing to demonstrate in no uncertain terms your chaste intentions but it’s going to be an uphill battle from there on.
Just be aware that nature hates vacuum. This means a relationship that is not based on sexual attraction must have something more noble and powerful than this. Which says a ton about your boyfriend’s intentions too.


It is good that you are thinking ahead.

Well, there are a couple of different things here. First, I would suggest you seek to date persons that are at the same place as you spiritually. I think it’s a big mistake to think that religion “doesn’t really matter”. It does. Dating is for the purpose of discerning marriage, and marriage should be reserved for a person who shares your values, beliefs, and practice of the faith.

You certainly avoid all sorts of issues by starting with shared faith and values as your main criteria for dating someone.

As to how you bring it up, well, don’t interrogate anyone! Instead suggest doing things together that a person of faith and high morals will be glad to do-- go to church with you, pray, etc.

As you get to know a person, this will naturally come up-- either through conversations that encompass values and beliefs OR it will come up when the boy does or does not “make a move” such as trying to kiss you.

I would suggest that for true happiness in a marriage, you should not just settle for someone who will “respect” your decision but someone who embraces chasity the same way you do.

Many women post on here that they are dating someone who doesn’t agree with their decision to not have sex, but “respects” it-- of course they are posting because they have some problem like the guy looking at porn, or wanting to contracept, or wanting to go to a strip club.

Dating a man who does not embrace chastity as wholeheartedly as you is situation begging for future problems. You do not want a marriage partner who lacks the fullness of truth in the area of sexuality. It cannot lead to happiness.

My two last pieces of advice:

(1) Don’t get too worked up about this. The words will come to you when you need them.

(2) Don’t take it personally when a guy drops you because of your stance. There will be MANY. There is nothing wrong with YOU. There is something wrong with THEM. It stings when they dump you, but you are so much better off without them.

Two true stories from my dating past:

I went on a double date with my best friend, who had met a guy at a club (not a great place to meet guys BTW). They set me up with his friend so it was a double. We drove together and met them out. They paid for dinner, drinks, dancing, etc. At the end of the night the guy actually said something to the effect of “what, we aren’t going to have sex? I *paid *for everything.” Uh, wow, big surprise that dufus was divorced!

I had another guy tell me he couldn’t date me because I was smarter than him. (Huh? You want dumb kids???)

Anyway-- the point is, you will encounter lots of frogs-- but you will eventually find a prince. And, if no prince comes, don’t ever settle for a frog.


I always find that comment a little difficult to understand. Basically if a guy won’t wait for a woman he’s being selfish. However turn it around and couldn’t you also argue that if a woman won’t have sex then she is also being selfish?



No. She is following God’s law. That is not selfishness, that is holiness.


“Don’t feed me no lines, and keep your hands to yourself!” It worked for our grandmothers, our mothers, and it worked for those of us who used it.

Other people have given you excellent advice. It’s just sometimes eaiser to sum it up in one simple line to remember.


Print out these things, tape them to your bathroom mirror where you can read them every morning!



The best advice I ever got on this subject was from a guy when I was 17. True story.

There was a guy (a “bad” boy) that every girl thought was “it”. We went out a couple of times (I was not Catholic, and not particularly concerned about chastity although I knew “good girls don’t” and I wanted to be a good girl… moral formation came later! ha!) Anyway… we went out a few times, but the “no sex” policy soon ended our “relationship”. I ran into him at the end of senior year (he was 2 yrs older) and he said something like “are you still holding out” … blunt but at the time it didn’t seem offensive… and I said “yes” and he said “GOOD… don’t let any guys feed you a line b/c guys are slime and will just try to get in your pants. You stick to your beliefs and give the guys hell.”

Seriously, that was 25 years ago and I remember it like yesterday. Somehow he went from trying to put a move on me to being my big brother.


This above poster’s dead right!

As a young, young man, in the 80s, I MUCH admired those girls who kept chaste. It’s a very direct show of moral and personal integrity and strength.

Every guy knows of chicks who will do the deed just to have a boyfriend. What do you think guys think of such girls? Not much.

You’re 16. As a guy, when I was 16, I was pretty shy around girls I admired. It would’ve been out of my ken to even think I’d possibly get intimate. . . let alone that the girl would okay that!

I’m sure there are guys still this way. Maybe the bulk of them. Don’t let Hollywood movies and television influence your perception of the social reality around you.:slight_smile:


Go to YouTube and find the series by Jason Evert. Sit and watch them together. Let him know that this is how you feel and that you are worth waiting for. If he is to be your Prince then he needs to treat you like his Princess and honor your decision for chastity.

I commend you for your bravery and courage to abstain from the pressures that society puts on us.

Good for you!! Stand up for what you believe!!:clapping:



1ke, absolutely fabulous advice. I could not agree more; chastity can be difficult enough with two people who are committed to it. There’s no reason to make it more difficult by dating someone who is not committed to chastity.

I had a friend in college who dated this guy she liked for a long time. They broke up once because she did not want to have sex with him, and he did want to have sex. They got back together when he said he would be in the relationship without sex, but eventually being with him wore down her resolve. She ended up sleeping with him and regretting it.

And I’ve watched a lot of my friends get frustrated waiting for a prince and settle for a frog. It’s never worth it.


Don’t let chastity be the only part of your feelings/beliefs/decisions you share with a friend. The earlier you (all of us) learn to be open about our faith the better this world will be. Faith is something that should be shared.


There’s some great advice here. I would only add that you should bring up the topic pretty early when you meet someone, because in my experience it will show a guy’s true colors faster than a hundred dates.

Also be aware that just because you choose to date a “good Catholic guy” doesn’t mean (sadly) that they will support or even agree with your position. Before I met my husband, I had three guys break up with me in succession on this issue - every last one of them was a Mass-attending and faithful Catholic on the surface. Luckily, I hadn’t wasted much time with any of them when I dropped this “dealbreaker” about not sleeping with them.

So glad I stuck to my guns! When I met my husband, I was expecting him to run for the hills as well, especially because he is not the externally pious sort. My position surprised him a bit, but he enthusiastically adopted it, told me that honoring my values and person and body was the most important thing to him, and has never in all our years together stopped thanking me for asking him to wait until marriage.


Thanks for all of your answers, but by “chaste” I don’t only mean no sex. This seems to be the point that many of you are addressing. I mean that, I won’t go farther than my “lusting” allows me. If I get “innappropriate” feelings when making out, I won’t do that. If a regular kiss is all I can “handle”, that is all I want to do, and I want him to know that. I just don’t know how to explain it.


We did get that you are not merely talking about sexual relations but with ALL unchaste activity-- that includes prolonged kissing, touching, etc.

I don’t think it changes anything we’ve suggested.

When you begin discussing values and beliefs, you simply say “these are my beliefs…” and say that intimacy is for marriage and this includes passionate kissing, touching, and everything else. A man committed to chastity will agree with you.

The website and the materials by Jason and Christalina Evert are an excellent resource and will probably give you pointers on how to discuss this-- and someone else recommended Mary Beth Bonacci… she’s great too.


Of course dear sister in Jesus…
Sex is not only intercourse…
I wanna applaud you for your wisdom at your age…
You are right to say STOP even before you reach
any kind of temptation. Avoid the near occasion of sin.
I heard about a young man who would not even kiss his
fiancee on the lips… he knew of his awesome weakness
from an earlier relationship so he saved the kisses till they
were on the safe side of marriage.
I am sorry to say this to you though: but you have to ask
the young man about his faith and see if he takes it seriously…
Otherwise its highly unwise to get close with him and he
probably wont be interested in you if he is not a Christian himself because like it or not… many, many young men are looking for “that thing” …
Take care :thumbsup:

Gotta tell you… you got my RESPECT. Even at the age of
25 I was not as clear thinking as you are … and you are just a teenager… :slight_smile:

Halleluja thank you Jesus :slight_smile:

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