How do I find some peace within my self

Hey how is everyone going, I have been going through a mess the last year and a half, I posted a plea here over a year ago, and I can’t thank God enough because it is no where near as bad, back then I was at home didn’t want to study or work both of which I am doing now.
But what has happened is that somehow I have got into a habit of worrying or needing to worry about something since then… I have seen a psychologist and personally I think they don’t help at all especially considering what I am facing is based with my Catholic beliefs.

What my issue is that I have started to write people these letters of apology… something I wish I had never done, I have been told by a few people since then that it is not needed as a person who does not forgive on their own is I believe committing a sin. But what the issue is that me with my OCD is that I kept writing writing and writing and I sent it all and I feared the replies I would get, anyways I got one reply two didn’t reply and that was it, but I done this through facebook, so those of you who are familiar with facebook will know how the wall posts go etc, what I done was because I am so worried about all this, I also posted on their walls that I had left a message in their inbox… my mum has told me this part was unnecessary as its as though writing someone a letter then ringing them to tell them that you sent one… but anyways I posted it on their wall by tagging their name in a post on my wall, on one I got a reply, one the other I got nothing, then I checked through the persons facebook wall to see that my message is not there on that date 8th of July, but neither is it on the persons who replied to me, I know that the person could have and probably did remove it of their wall by clicking the X next to the comment as the posts are still on my wall tagged and all, but I have been thinking the worst that I deleted them on my own or something? which doesn’t seem rational but anyways its just been eating me… my mum says its best to fight the urge to do anymore fixing as I also personally believe it is as when a scrupulous repeats their penance but I fear that this will lead me to hell :frowning:
I just need some peace and to relax before Uni starts again, if anyone believes it is a mortal sin to not apologize constantly then please I know it sounds bad but don’t post :S I just don’t need more weight on my shoulders, from my personal experience I have got bullied so much in the first year of high school and yet I have nothing against the person who done it and have him as a friend on facebook and would gladly hang out with them if they wanted to, is this what I should do? and is this something others should do without me wasting my entire uni holiday on writing letters of apology thinking something isnt right, fearing I will go to hell for it and worst of all this is frustrating me to the point where I have found my self shouting and being angry at my family friends and God himself… is it best to just forget about it all ?

Dazzi, use the Sacrament of Penance on a regular basis, take to heart counciling from your Priest. If you need to seek out the people you have hurt, do so by telling them you are sorry, then give all that sorrow to Jesus for the reparation of evil in the world.:cool::slight_smile:
Peace, Carlan

But that is the thing I don’t have the stress because I have done something, the stress its self is coming from the apologizing and being overly scrupulous with it, if I had it my way I would hope a person would forgive without me having to constantly apologize, I personally in my life have rarely ever received any apologizes and I hope I never do because I will forgive someone no matter what otherwise I am in sin and I would probably never talk to anyone as there are rarely any people who have never done something in one way or another.

Dazzi,
Our Good and Forgiving God loves you SO MUCH!
Whenever those painful thoughts come up in your mind, imagine you are setting them in an invisible envelope to deal with at a different time, and then say out loud a few things that you like about yourself . Have the good things written down on an index card to have them ready, if need be. God created you as His special child, and he loves you just the way you are!!! Blessings!!!

Thank you for that, I just wish that I could stop torturing myself with these thoughts… I think the issue stems from the fact that since I started to worry that everything is a sin again… had this in 2007 and since the start of the year again, instead of thinking of God as someone who is more understanding and loving than any of us will ever be, I have once again begun to fear him and that he just watches to see if I have done something wrong to punish me :frowning: and I can’t get that out which is why I am being so obsessive with something that someone else would simply shrug of and say meh.

Dazzi,
So many of the Saints had thoughts similar to you! Do not get disheartened! See if you can get a copy of Padre Pio’s letters, Vol 1. Padre Pio describes his struggles with difficult thoughts so beautifully.
God desires so much to get close to all of us. He was willing to be that sweet, tiny, precious baby in the manger so that we can relate to Him as a human like us. See if you can find a picture of our Lord as a baby to meditate with. Ask Him to let you connect with His gentle kindness and to let you know how He delights in you!!!
I will be praying for you in adoration!
God’s peace…

Thanks, I will try to do so, right now however I have got the biggest urge to repost the message I sent through facebook, but I am trying to do my best to hold it in, its probably the devil giving me doubt and worry because I personally know that if you tag someone in a facebook message that the message will be displayed on their facebook page and its such a trivial thing to be losing sleep over but in all honesty it is eating me but I don’t know why when I think of it its just something so trivial. I honestly wish that I had never begun with this apologizing :frowning: what I appologized for happened years ago in 2005 and 2007 and it has made the last 2 months living hell even though I have been told by countless people that it is up to the person to forgive, not for me to beg for it.

Yes, and unfortunately some people will chose not to forgive. But when that happens, the great thing is that our Lord DOES forgive! You can always count on Him! It is obvious you are sorry for what happened, now is the time for you to heal. Do some special things for yourself today! The Lord is so delighting in you. Celebrate your life…He made you for His purpose! Today is the day to nurture yourself ! Today is a new day! Remember how our Gentle and Generous God loves you! Try to do something today that you haven’t done in awhile that you enjoy…
I prayed for you in Mass this morning and will continue through the day…
Peace and blessings!

Thanks for that :slight_smile: Its hard to explain what’s bothering me, its as though I know it, but then I fear the future, I fear that if I don’t go back and repost the message that I will forever think about it and that that will lead me to worry about it forever, and stop me from enjoying life getting a career, a wife, a family and just being happy and enjoying the life God gave me. On the other hand I believe if I go back and repost it I am not fighting my obsession but rather feeding it until I think I feel good… I don’t know if I should continue fighting it? What makes it worse is that I am not worrying about the appology its self as that was sent through a private message, I am worrying about the wall post I left for the person saying that I left him a private message… which my mum says was not needed in the first place as she says its as if you sent someone a letter then sent them a message saying you sent them a letter…

I have had your situation before. I don’t want to make a bad situation worse, so I will first advise you to talk to a priest for the best advice… :thumbsup: That said, I know the feeling of perceiving God to be watching to see if I am doing anything wrong. For me (I wouldn’t know about you) it was a result of projecting myself onto God. I was the one watching other people and judging whether or not they were doing something wrong - and I was upset that they seemed to go unpunished. But God has shown me something; that God is patient and kind - he allows the good to grow with the bad without taking all of the bad out of the way. Like the wheat and the tares - He lets them grow and mature together, b/c when plants are young sometimes you can’t distinguish the good (wheat) from the bad (tares) - so He lets them grow together lest He uproot the good with the bad. That is how the church is depicted in Scripture - but it is the same with the inner life. The closer you grow to God, the easier it will become for you to recognize your own sins, but most of all to recognize God’s patience and forgiveness. Think of someone you have a lot of compassion for. Now God is so much more compassionate than we could ever hope to be. When you recognize your own compassion, it is easier to understand how God looks upon us. Try to find someone you can help in some way. It will help you to see yourself as God sees you.

Pax~

Dazzi,
I’m not a doctor so I can be wrong but it seems to me that you need a psychiatrist not so that you can poor out your heart to him but to check to see if you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. This is quite common BTW, I know several people who do need medication for paranoia and other such problems. Its possible that your help can come from that direction.

Annie

Thanks for the heads up but in all honesty that is the main thing that I am aiming to avoid, I think that medication to me personally for something like this is a bit so-so, I could understand if I was hallucinating or schizophrenic, medicines if you end up getting of them feeling great are a good thing, but in all seriousness if psychologists are as helpful as what I have experienced I would rather not bring up religious matters with them. The simple truth of what is making this painfull is that I know that resending it will only take 5 or so seconds to do, yet I somehow think or even know if I resend it I would find a flaw somewhere else to worry about.

Have you ever tried laying this at the foot of the cross?

Oh Blood and Water which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus
as a Fount of Mercy for Us, I trust in You.

Give this to God. Repeat the prayer above for Diving Mercy until you know in your heart that Jesus is able to release you from this.

Good morning Dazzi,
OCD is an anxiety-related issue, and there are medications that a Christian Psychiatrist could offer that very well could help out a lot…it would mean hunting a little, and maybe even interviewing a few, to make sure your values would work well together. Don’t despair over this though, because anxiety-related issues, as well as depression , are quite common issues… there are lots of helpful avenues that you can pursue …and a bright future awaiting you… and I so applaud you for your spiritual perspective as well!!!
Just remember God loves you so much and brings His Goodness out of all despair… I am so sure He has beautiful things planned for your life! I will be praying for you today…please keep us posted on how things are going for you!
Blessings!!!

It is simply going from one issue to another, its like a constant cycle -.-, I have begun University again today, and to my random horror I discovered that the way I write my t’s makes it look like an upside down cross which is making me wonder if I should go back and fix all the t’s or if I should rip out all the pages… I don’t know what I should do anymore, it just seems like severe scrupulosity now, unless anyone thinks writing a t with the centre line being in the bottom half is a sin? it is just getting unberable, the moment I speak to a priest I find hope, yet the next day I seem to lose it and all the trust and it goes back to step one.
I can’t remember what Saint, but I read somewhere that there was a Saint who feared when the stepped on a stick in the shape of a cross.

I am so glad you are doing ok and back in classes! I have been praying for you.
The t’s that look like crosses are not a sin…just a representation of the Love God has for you! Each time you look at your “t’s” , think of the Lord’s wonderful resurrection! And how He loves you so much!
Will keep praying for you!
Blessings!

Oh, sorry if I made it sound like I quit uni permanently, what I meant was I dropped out of my course last March and started doing another one mid year last year, I was just on a break since the 22nd of June.

The thing with the t’s is that the way I write my t’s I look at it and I think its an upside down cross and that I am comiting a sin, as the way I write them the actual line that goes horizontally is below the half way mark.
I am finding the oddest things to pick out, and it is frustrating, it makes doing an assignment seem like a cake simply because this is dragging on, but I assume the only way out of this is to give my total trust to God and not worry?

Ah, those awful scruples again?

I think that God is pleased when we do even the little things for Him - even good penmanship - however, I do not think He is shaking a finger at you whenever you cross your t’s below the mid-mark. Unless you intentionally write your t’s to spite God (if that’s possible…), there is no real sin involved or at least, certainly not sin of a serious matter. I suppose it is better to try to write neatly, and being sloppy might be a small venial sin, but most of us have bigger vices to examine and work on than penmanship. If it’s just a matter of unintentional sloppiness, I wouldn’t worry about it. Maybe mention being lazy or unnecessarily sloppy while writing in the confessional. It’s nothing that your next communion or drop of holy water can’t remedy - certainly not a grave matter worth fretting over. In fact, I remember when I went through some scruples years ago I got myself a bottle of holy water and cleansed myself after venial sins I became aware of. It was a great help to me.

Do all things for the glory of God. Naturally, b/c of our human nature, we will stumble even if only in some small ways. But God is so good and merciful and long-suffering. He knows we will not be perfect in this life. We need to trust in His mercy in all our sins, great and small, and rather than despair (which is what the Devil would like us to do…) rejoice in your Merciful Father!

Peace~

Just wondering what is the go on doubtful sins when one is scrupulous? As in I have a fear I have done something, but at the same time I believe I haven’t done it but when I go to confession I fear I’ll have to repeat the entire confession because I didn’t say it and then later on I’ll think I done it… Its hard to explain but I am worrying so much about this that I am just presuming everything I think of I have done even though I had a massive general confession ( 2 to be precise) only in April.

Hello Dazzi,
It sounds like you made a good confession, which is so good. When doubts start to overwhelm you, try this breathing exercise that I have found to be helpful. When you breath in through your nose, think the word “Jesus”, and when you breath out through your mouth, think the word “Mercy”. Try doing it for five minutes at a clip, whenever you feel edgy. I am praying for you!!! Remember, God loves you so much and is surrounding you with His Mercy!!!

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