Back in high school when I met my hubby he had a friend with him. This friend ended up dated one of my best friends and we all hung out together and had many great times. He had a difficult home life, his dad drank too much, his mom had chronic depression and was hospitalized at the time of his graduation. My husband and he had a falling out after school and we lost touch.
We just recently reconnected on facebook. Back in our high school days after his relationship ended with my friend I found out he had developed feelings for me through a mutual friend. I never let him know that I knew and he never came out and said anything. He wasn’t very kind about my husband I marrying back in the day as teenagers -he said it wouldn’t work and he wasn’t the only one.
Anyway as I said we recently reconnected on facebook. We made small talk, exchanged old high school pics -I was happy to renew our friendship. One night he left a very strange message on my facebook. It was very disconnected and hard to follow but what I could make of it was something about my husband doing something to make me mad and me ending up with him. I deleted it and replied kind of made a joke of it keeping it light but letting him know my heart had always belonged to my husband. I really thought after 18 years an old high school crush would have faded. We messaged occasionally after that never discussing what he wrote.
I made a point of posting pics of my hubby and I, and making positive comments about my hubby on facebook. I wanted to make the point that we were happy.
Well two days before Christmas he drank himself to death. His sister sent me a sweet message about how highly he thought of me and how he spoke of me often. She said he had mentioned he felt bad about something he said to me recently. She ended it by saying that I had touched his life and he thought I was wonderful.
I am falling to pieces right now. I am so far from wonderful its ridiculous. I knew he had nothing. His marriage had failed & he had no children, both his parents were dead, he was estranged from his older brother and only had a relationship with his younger sister. He lived alone. Instead of having compassion I stuck our happiness in his face. I wanted him to see he had been wrong about my husband and I. It was selfish and prideful. I have been given so much and I flaunted it, instead of being sensitive to someone who has had a lifetime of struggles. Now he’s dead. I can’t undo it, I can’t take it back. It was a horrible thing to do, after all God has given me, to be so prideful and cruel.
It’s not like I can learn from my mistakes and move on. Somebody died, he’s gone, I can’t go back and fix it -his sister has lost both her parents and now her brother. I just don’t know how to deal with the horrible guilt that I have.