Here’s my story…
Im cradle Catholic… come from Sunday Catholic type parents. When I was 17 I started going to daily mass and became very devout. Daily mass will do that to ya!
Anyway, this was my first conversion towards Godly living. Due to this, I even discerned becoming a nun.
A year later I met my husband and a year after that, married him!
During the first part of married life (he was another denom), I fell away from the Catholic teachings - and only went to church every so often.
Few years later I had a baby. God’s grace still in action - when he was a year old, I started another conversion!
I joined a prayer group (rosary) and became a very hard-core Catholic!
During this conversion, people were placed in my life that showed me true Christian Catholic living. I became convicted on many things! Daily prayer, good Catholic readings, devout Catholic friends were the tools for this beautiful conversion!
Well, one thing led to another… my husband converted to the faith and months later we were both professed into the Franciscan Order.
I had such a beautiful prayer life. Morning & night prayers, 3 rosaries a day, only Catholic tv (ewtn), lots of catholic friends (support)… we were examples of Christian Catholics!
I knew my faith, had the prayer life to back up any problem or situation we or anyone else encountered.
This was wonderful -THEN God blessed us with 2 more kids! We needed a bigger house, moved, moved again. Had money from the sales of homes. Worldly pride took over! Spending money became MORE fun then praying. Then I had weightloss surgery and lost a big amount of weight - which added to my ‘pride’. First time in my life I actually ‘looked good’ and enjoyed shopping and wearing fashionable clothes!
Anyway, this is just an example of the sequince of events that led to todays post.
So, here’s the problem…
Ive fallen, and cant get back up! ***
Everything is so dry. Prayers, spiritual reading, even mass. I cant focus to read or pray - so I dont! I dont even try any more. Due to this ‘fallen’ nature, my family has called me a hypocrite, a fake… just a couple of things that come to mind. Even though I feel this way - it hurts to know that others see it.
Crazy, I know.
But they DONT see me struggling to BE right!
I go to Confession, repent - and truly set myself on a NEW journey. Only to see that a day, 2 days, a week later - Im back to the beginning. The change I made isnt long lasting.
No prayer life will do this to you. Big sigh No Godly friends, prayer partners, no daily Mass - all aids in the great fall! Ive even become used to listening to secular music once again!
It took me years to ‘build up’ the gifts and fruits (grace) of a good, holy, convicted Christian Catholic life — so when pondering the love and devotion I ONCE had for my God and faith, I quickly turn to the mind set of, "Why bother. Im just going to fail again.“
"Been there, done that.” and quickly find myself getting bored with the things that once gave me richness and fed my spirit!
At this point in my life, I even feel GUILTY praying…
How sick is that?
I need help, y’all.