I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently and I got over my nervousness in talking to women and being social. Now, I have some doubts in the way I look at relationships.
The thing is, I want to make friends with women and I mean really close friends. I want to be able to be there for my lady friends without trying to further our friend relationship into something else or being a jerk to them. I want them to invite me into their closest group of friends and to think of me when I’m not present and joking with me and hugs, all that stuff that close friends do. I say women because frankly I talk to women better than I talk to men despite being a guy,.I don’t know I feel that I connect more to them in conversation.
Thing is, I have an intrinsic thing for self loathing and I’m genuinely scared that I’m going about this the wrong way; I’m scared of building a friendship with women on the count that I have something impure/insincere in my thought process. I’m scared that through ACTUAL fault of my own I will do something to upset them or that I would be looking at our relationship in a wrong light.
To give an example, I have two female friends whom I mentioned in another thread where I complained over them not hugging me at a party. I already knew that I was going about it the wrong way but I never thought that maybe our friendship was as close as I thought it was. After some soul searching I found out that no, it wasn’t. I’m still friends with them, they still share some of my interests but I don’t talk to them as much as I used to because I don’t want to bother them with my attempts at being friendlier. If they don’t look at me as being close, platonic friends with them I wasn’t going to force it upon them.
Just because they don’t want to be closer to me but closer to others does not make them a bad person. I’m just scared that every friendship I ever make will end up like that. I have friends I admit it but only one of them and I mean one of them, someone whom I’m not even close to, ever initiates a conversation with me. Heck, I just noticed something else; none of my friends are people I knew for a long time and the oldest friendship that I have was created s year and 5 months as of this post ago. I’m not close to anyone, I have nobody except my parents to seek help from, Nobody thinks of unless I’m present and I really, really hate myself over this. I never, EVER do anything with anyone because nobody ever invites me or looks at me with even an iota of warmth. I lack confidence, I know but at the same time I don’t want to be use anybody.
I’m not trying to become friends with women as a way to create potential girlfriends because that’s just selfish and mean spirited, nor am I trying to get friends in order to get them to help me with my own problems. I just want friends whom I can share some actual fun times with but I don’t know what to do. Any advice? I want everyone especially the girls on this forum to give their opinion because I’m sorry to use such words but I don’t want to be a creeper. I look at women as individuals; somebody dancing or wearing ‘revealing’ clothing isn’t doing so for me but for herself. If I could talk about all the ******* injustices I’ve seen women go through, all the superficial ways I’ve seen men talk about them, all the down right selfish, misogynistic, utterly disgusting ways I’ve heard people talk about I would have a sermon that goes for 3 hours. I’m not joking, I really did witness all this. I also know that the mere mentioning of these things is enough to turn anyone off in a relationship let a lone a friendship. I’m too hyper aware and self concious of my flaws and too scared of what people may think.