So there was this girl I know from my youth group, and I saw on facebook she posted a picture of her and her friend wearing clothes and posing in a rather impure manner, I posted this picture in the comment section4.bp.blogspot.com/-m7p6MceCjCA/T7a3ItIlobI/AAAAAAAADtg/dJm47466UEA/s1600/151996556143799177_wSmwmbea_c.jpg, and she got really mad, saying that she is not intending it in that way and that i’m not her father etc., so what do I do if I see her at our next meeting again? I imagine it will be kinda awkward.(if she shows up now:()
Sounds like she’s not going to let you help her understand the Church’s teaching on scandal.
You can not worry about it, put it behind you. If you assume there will be a future awkwardness, you might build unnecessary stress that deflates quickly when your assumption doesn’t come to fruition.
If there is, it will last a moment and be gone.
You sound like one of my sons. I’ll tell you exactly what I would tell him. You are not her authority figure. You are in no place to scold her or give her unsolicited advice. I am pretty sure you only had the best of intentions and thought that you were being a good Christian, but I am telling you to keep your opinions to yourself in the future. I am not saying that her behavior was alright, I’m just saying that as a similar age peer, it is not your place to call her on it.
I’m sure it will be awkward at the next meeting, or whenever you do see her in person again. Man up and apologize, tell her you over stepped your bounds but your intention was to reminder her of the importance of modesty. Let her know you now realize that it is not your place to play parent/teacher/mentor and that in the future you will refrain from doing so. You may never be able to form a friendship with her now due to what happened. It is not the end of the world.
Like I said, you remind me of one of my boys. Your heart is in the right place but you don’t currently have the wisdom needed to apply your good intentions tactfully. Good luck
I’m going to build on 7army’s advice.
If you wish to salvage your friendship, let her take Tue lead in addressing it. If she gives attitude, just day, “My bad for sounding judgmental. I’m just concerned about the way you have portrayed yourself. I was concerned for your reputation and should have said something on the side rather than passive aggressively posting a response pic.”
You do have the onus of “instructing the ignorant” but there is a time and a place. FB is usually neither.
It is difficult to know what to think sometimes when you get conflicting advice. I am not on one side of the suggestions you have received or the other. We would almost have to know the person, see the picture and ascertain your intentions before rendering any kind of direct feedback on your or her actions.
However I do have some suggestions for the future.
Before calling anyone out over anything ask your self…
- Is it true?
- Is it necessary?
- Is it kind? [in some cases this can include helpful intentions]
- Are you doing this as a humble Christian or sanctimonious one?
Your relationship also can dictate if you should make a response or not. If you are a close friend you have more license to make a gentle suggestion. If you don’t know this person, you might not know that her intentions, while not being wise, were just in the spirit of fun.
If she was showing off a “wardrobe failure” that is a horse of another color. Even then, personally, my actions would be to block her. I might at that point consider, PRIVATELY suggest that she was being tasteless, and her picture would be available forever.
I agree this. I would also like to add, Johnny, that you also didn’t choose a very good way to tell her how you feel. Corrections like these, if they absolutely must be given, should be given in private, not on her facebook wall for everyone to see. A public scolding only magnifies her embarrassment. Work that into your apology and aim to do better next time.
I think it would have been better if you sent her a private message. You could have said in a nice way what you think she did wrong and back it up with Church teachings and Bible references. No need to go further than that.
You probably went too far in posting your disagreement in a public place though. I would try to apologize to her and say you were only trying to help her be a better Catholic. If you can’t work up the courage to talk to her in person, at least send her a private message.
Disclaimer: I don’t use Facebook. I don’t know if it lets you send private messages or not.
Live and learn, I suppose. So what can we learn here?
- How about boundaries: one needs to be invited in.
- Busy-bodies who insult you with a clear conscience are annoying to people.
- Was it really an “impure manner” or was it that your thoughts were impure. I’d bet on both.
- Did you imagine yourself as a potential husband?
- Many women would label your reply to her as being sexist.
- It sounds like you said more about yourself with the comment than you did about her.
- How does it feel to hear my comments? It may cause you to empathize with how you may have made her feel.
But, what is the harm? It’s a bit embarrassing but that’s what happens trying to get to know people.
You did push a button; hopefully she is not seriously conflicted about her behavior. If so, she may avoid you to get away from her own discomfort.
So, much depends on what follows. It is a good thing in a way, that she identifies you with her dad, but you may not connect on a moral level.
Apologize if you get a chance. You just have to play it by ear, take it as it comes.
Developing a sense of perspective and humor helps: years from now, the two of you may have a good laugh over this.
I would think your particular action was a mistake.
However, fraternal correction is a good thing, and I don’t think fraternal correction itself is wrong. Perhaps it would help to pray first about what to do, or if it is better to pass it by sometimes.
Thank you for the help everyone, I understand I shouldn’t have made it public, but if I apologize wouldn’t that be like apologizing to someone for telling them that getting an abortion is wrong? Not that it’s just as grave, but because I was trying to correct her.
No, you apologize for your behavior not hers. You apologize for shaming her in public. You apologize for stepping into a role you have no right to step into. You apologize for not minding your own business. No matter what she had done wrong, publically chiding her on the internet is no way to approach the situation. You are more likely to push her farther away than win her over to your side.
The first work of spiritual mercy is to admonish the sinner.
We are guilty of the sins of others by encouragement, flattery or silence.
John the Baptist confronted Herod publicly. Herod made his sin public.
This person may be angry with you, but if your action causes or helps cause a change in behavior for the good, you have done a good thing. You might motivate more prudent behavior in the future. Prudence is a cardinal virtue.
We can not see the long term consequences of our actions.
When people behave in ways that can endanger their souls or general well being, remaining silent and not giving warning is not a way to do good.
my excuse would be, and i dont think that if you say this you would be lying because i think this is what you really mean:
“Sorry for what I did the other day, I did not meant to be rude, or to publicy humilliate you, I just wanted to help you (if she is Christian you can mention modesty and stuff, but do it in a good loving way, and knowing that you are not her father or something like that), but now i know it was not the best way so, I’m sorry”
as you can see, you don’t back from telling her, that that is innapropiate, you just apologize for the way you did that.