For the past few months, i've been especially blessed to have grown in my faith. This past summer I was a teacher/missionary for a youth program in my diocese which was an amazing experience. Not only was it awesome to be able to teach children and teens about the faith, I grew in my prayer life and felt I was able to discern my vocation a little better. I also have been seeing a spiritual director (my former college chaplain of our Newman club) which has helped me to discern more.
As of right now, all I know is that unless a proverbial bolt of lightning strikes me, I am not called to be a priest or religious brother. While i'm somewhat attracted to the idea of being a religious brother (especially being a Franciscan), I feel more drawn to being a lay person. It's why as of right now I'm going back to school to get my Special Education endorsement. I want to be able to support myself and especially a family (whatever that may be. It could be a typical family or a "family" in the sense of a community, or could mean taking care of my brother with autism or my mother as I get old, only God knows). I also feel that I could better serve as a lay person, especially if I am married.
Here is where my issues come up though. While I certainly have gained more confidence and such in my vocation, I worry whether i'm truly called to marriage. I feel a lot of times that I have a different personality and am a little socially awkward for a 24 year old man. This makes me feel like a lot of women my age won't see me as a future husband. I also worry if i'm emotionally ready. I've never really had a relationship and have only dated a few girls who i met online. I'm still kind of shy because i'm afraid of rejection and that women will think i'm weird (even though I'm becoming more okay with myself). I also worry that if I even advance beyond this bit of anxiety that i'll be a bad husband and that i'll say or do something wrong and she'll leave me. My biggest issue though is the anxiety and lack of confidence. I just worry that i'm too different to have a woman like me and i'm just scared. I literally I am afraid of asking a girl out because she'll reject me for who knows what. I know I should pray about this and my future spouse, but it seems selfish. God made me shy, awkward and anxious, and I feel like I shouldn't ask to be changed into a more confident version of myself. I wish I didn't care, but I worry that a lot of girls don't like me, and it doesn't help that I haven't had much experience with them (for example, I have a problem staring. I had a crush on one of my fellow teachers, and sometimes i'd innocently stare, but I know from someone else that she thought it was creepy, I just couldn't help it. I thought she was just amazing, but I know that i could never ask her out she'd reject me).
Anyway, I know there is a lot in here, but basically I just want to know if I am called to marriage. My spiritual director seems to think that I at least have the desire, but just because I desire it doesn't mean God does. All I know now is that barring some sign or calling that I'm not meant to be a priest or religious brother.
Thanks and God Bless!