How do I not NEED people to like me?


#1

I struggle with needing people to like me.
I don’t mean so much in an arrogant way and I don’t think “how is it possible that they wouldn’t like me” etc…but more in an interpersonal way.
Ie:people are social creatures.
I just place too much emphasis on people’s opinions of me and don’t know how to balance the line of “social world” vs not caring too much what people think.
I’ve been a adult for a long time now so I should have gotten over this!
I shouldn’t be trying to be something so that people will like me.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to have more confidence?


#2

I focus on thise who do like me and it stings less. I’m also fine being alone so while it may sting to feel rejected I get over it quickly.


#3

I think maybe we are trained to be ‘people pleasers’ from birth! It’s something I’ve struggled with too and I have to say that on occasion when people haven’t been grateful enough for some effort I’ve made I’ve felt hurt, angry and then depressed and the fault originally was mine, for expecting too much in return from others. Then I discovered a simple idea, and I read it somewhere in the bible, I’m ashamed to say I don’t remember exactly where and it was simply this, don’t worry about what others think of you worry only what God thinks of you. For me that simple thought takes the burden away.

Have an ironic ‘like’ from me.
Later on I’ll look it up. Gaining the positive regard of others is completely natural, as in its in our nature but so are many other things which we are asked to control by Our Lord and only He can give us true love beyond compare.


#4

It’s a really long process, and some therapy to get to the bottom of “why” can shorten it. Otherwise you have to get to the level of self actualization where you can step outside yourself when it’s happening and analyze it, and adjust your reactions. That’s hard to do alone.


#5

The way to not have the need to have people like you is to like yourself first. If you are comfortable with yourself, you will need less validation from others.

Stay off FaceBook or any social media that rates people with likes and where people are boasting of their accomplishments, their wealth or their beauty. It serves no purpose.


#6

I agree with @Irishmom2 first step would be to avoid all social media as much as you can. Even here on this forum trying to look to see if people “heart” your posts might be a temptation.

I also recommend praying the Litany of Humility. Part of that prayer is asking God to help deliver us from the desire of being loved and esteemed by others. I think the desire for love is healthy, but caring too much what others think of us can really be almost like a prison. It can take over our minds and hearts. Desiring God’s love is what is best. Please be assured of my prayers.


#8

You are so focused on the external. So many of your posts are all about what is happening on the outside. Start looking within, start growing up and learn what really matters.

You say you’ve been an adult for a long time. How long? I’ve been a grown up for a really long time and what people think about me is irrelevant to me. It’s not a matter so much of caring, it just knowing they will think well of me or they won’t. I can’t make them change their minds right at that moment. All I can do is continue to be the person I am and maybe one day I’ll make a better impression. I don’t loose sleep over it.


#9

I think this is a really good point, OP. Often it comes with age - as you grow older, you start to become more comfortable in yourself and you don’t need the validation of others so much.

I would also suggest you take a break from social media. A lot of your posts seem to focus on it, and I think it may be fuelling your lack of self-confidence. If you constantly see others getting masses of validation for their looks or other qualities, it can lead you to feel as though you need it for yourself. I know I can feel like that sometimes. And the honest answer is you just need to take a step back. Most people on social media like to live in their bubbles, but those people interacting with each other isn’t how real life operates. That bubble is a distortion. It doesn’t give real confidence to live that way.

What I think is firstly, be kind to yourself. Don’t put pressure on yourself to get over how you feel, don’t knock yourself down when you realise you’re doing it. Try and identify when it is you feel this way, and what specific opinions that affect you. But also be brave. Take a few steps out of your comfort zone and see how you do. It may be scary, but it is definitely rewarding.


#10

Unfortunately, the only way I know is to experience enough people not liking you and coming to the realization that it’s their problem and not yours. No matter now hard you try to be a people pleaser, some people are never going to be pleased. When you realize that, you can take that particular burden off your shoulders and go on enjoying the people who do accept you as you are. Unfortunately, it’s not a very fun experience.


#11

From reading many of your threads it seems your real pattern is one of extreme insecurity. You attempt to gain security though external, outward, forces. “If my sister acknowledged she hurt me I’d be fine”, If people liked me I’d be fine", “Why should we be modest when no one else[quote=“Horton, post:8, topic:506623, full:true”]
_ou are so focused on the external. So many of your posts are all about what is happening on the outside. Start looking within, start growing up and learn what really matters.

You say you’ve been an adult for a long time. How long? I’ve been a grown up for a really long time and what people think about me is irrelevant to me. It’s not a matter so much of caring, it just knowing they will think well of me or they won’t. I can’t make them change their minds right at that moment. All I can do is continue to be the person I am and maybe one day I’ll make a better impression. I don’t loose sleep over it.
[/quote]

_ s?” “If I didn’t have to be modest I could find a spouse”. (Not saying these are your words but this is what I hear in your threads.)

I feel you should find a spiritual director to help you work through these issues of insecurity and learn to build strength from within. Learn to lean on prayer, on our Lord, our Blessed Mother, the saints. If at all possible go on a women’s spiritual retreat, maybe even a silent one with spiritual direction.

_There will always be people who will think and behave in ways we may not approve of, if we let it bother us every single time we’d never function at all…"

You’re right that I have insecurity about appearance and questions around modesty but realistically many women do in “today’s world”. Some women’s solution is avoidance,ie:they just avoid social media or avoid life/reality. That’s fine if that makes them happy,but I prefer challenges. No “man” is an island so to speak,people are social creatures and will be influenced by their friends,the times,current trends,how they see men acting,see friends husbands acting etc…that’s just reality. Someone being “aware” of “external things” or posting about them,doesn’t necessarily mean that a person is superficial.Personally I will always believe that inner beauty is number 1 and focus on that primarily. Hopefully,instead of just negative,some women will also see something positive,or relatable, in my threads about those “beauty related” matters.
We live in a world where females are given constant messages that it matters so much how they look externally and even Christian men don’t say that they want a girlfriend/wive with inner beauty.They except not only inner beauty but outer beauty too.

I see many threads on CAF about wives being shocked/floored/rugged pulled out all of a sudden finding out that their husband has been cheating on them with a younger,prettier,or sexier “model”.
** I’m not necessarily suggesting this will happen,but I think it’s more prudent i address issues with looks/men/reality while single then end up one of those oblivious women who were in a bubble thinking that their husband didn’t care about looks etc…**


#12

Where in my post did I say “beauty”? I didn’t refer to physical beauty at all.

I do believe you have an unrealistic expectation of how men behave with women and I feel that belief comes from social media and current tv/movie/reality tv and other noise we allow into our lives. Take a poll here on CAF of men who feel subjective physical beauty is a priority in a marriage. Ask men who have been married 30+ years how important subjective physical beauty is in a marriage. (Subjective physical beauty being modern model looks.)

I seen a few threads where wives were devastated by a spouse who cheated but I don’t recall looks being a primary factor.

We will probably never agree on this so let’s not make it and “issue”.


#13

No.

What you have just said here shows you have a completely skewed understanding of relationships and a very poor view of men. It also shows you have a lack of respect for women who don’t put so much energy into their looks.

What you have written shows you are young and immature and above all else how much you need to move away from virtual reality and come into real life. It shows just how much you have been poisoned through your obsession with social media and looking at celebrities and needing to look as they look.

I appreciate I’m being harsh right now, but this is something you need to understand because you are looking at men, women and relationships through a massively distorted lens and you don’t even realise it.

If your view is that a man will cheat if you don’t look your best at all times, any relationship you have is doomed to failure. If your view is that men leave women because they stop looking how society dictates they should, then you need to read more of those threads and realise cheating occurs due to the entitlement and selfishness on the part of the husband.

I mean, look at Jackie Kennedy. How many affairs did JFK have, exactly? Would you ever say she was “one of those oblivious women who were in a bubble thinking that their husband didn’t care about looks”?

A man so fixated on looks over anything else is not what “reality” is. If you encounter one of these men, you need to run in the opposite direction. You have fallen for the lie that physical appearance is all there is in a relationship.

Please, put your energy and time into something else. I’m not saying you shouldn’t care about how you look. But prioritising it and obsessing over it is wrong.


#14

Theres no issue😀.

I’m not necessarily referring to model looks but prettiness non the less.
The threads of husbands cheating don’t always mention looks but realistically isn’t this how it usually goes.
When those types of situations are read from the mans perspective they are usually saying things like “my wife let herself go” or she’s not as attractive as when I married her,pregnancy changed her body shape or weight,finds her “old” boring, not sexy or mundane etc…
Some try to say they did it due to loneliness or them growing apart…
(Not that that’s ok in itself), but I’m not sure how much I buy this because isn’t it telling/ironic that the woman they are cheating with is often younger.
For example Barnaby Joyce and Karl Stefanovic.
Unfortunately it seems to happen to relationships too not in the public such as the comments on this below website are quite sad:


#15

The worrying part is that I’m not even young lol.
I definitely do respect women who don’t put much effort into their looks but I’m not sure if I respect women too much who stay with serial cheaters.
I don’t know much about American politics of the past or Jackie Kennedy but from what I can see,she either stayed with her husband because she just accepted that’s what men do,or for political/financial/status reasons.
I’m not sure that I respect that.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder somewhat-to me Jackie Kennedy may have been attractive relatively speaking,certainly very stylish,but Marilyn Monroe was incredibly beautiful.

You’re right that I have a bit of a poor/disappointing view of men,even cynical.
I come from a nationality background of predominantly pretty women,men from my background have grown to expect this,and I myself am not particularly pretty.
The social media I refer to is not celebrities but everyday women.To me social media is not the problem-it is just another “form of manifestation” of the problem-before that there was magazines or TV giving women same messages.

This cynicism is driven by what I see around me in real life not just people in public eye but obviously those men in the public eye are easier to refer to as examples because most people know who I’m then talking about.
Unfortunately there are too many men like this who are too “looks focused” and have the entitlement that you mentioned.
Even most Christian men don’t seem exempt and want inner and outer-what will they do if her beauty fades and attraction goes or if she doesn’t have beauty in the first place?
Some women in Australia experience that there is a “man drought” for good men for single women in their 30’s or beyond.

On the positive side,if I do meet a man who (genuinely)doesn’t place value on woman’s external beauty (and isn’t secretly gay) I will be so surprised and amazed that I will be very grateful!!

In Australia there was until recently a Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull and one thing that I liked about him was that he always showed endless love and loyalty/eyes only for his wife who was still attractive but maybe not the most beautiful “politicians wife”.
It was nice to see this in a world of Trumps,Clintons,Joyce and Macrons etc…
The Queens marriage is a nice example too:)


#16

No, this isn’t how it usually goes. There are as many reasons men will cheat as there are men.

Where are you getting the data to support this claim? Some men may use this as an excuse but it is not the reality.

The bottom line is you need to find some help for this fatalist attitude regarding men & marriage. I’ve had a husband and man in a long term relationship heading toward marriage cheat and I don’t believe all men will cheat.

Why not try the poll? Try getting some real life information on how men really feel about their brides, whether it’s been a few weeks or many years.


#17

Sorry about your husband and ex boyfriend.

I’d like to do the poll but I’m worried that CAF moderators might warn me that it’s off topic?


#18

Just start a new thread.


#19

Thanks. It would be nice to know but I haven’t courage to start another thread from fear I might get harsh posts by some posters as they may assume I am obsessed or that I have no other interests lol.
One poster on another thread (not mine) already seems to be sick of me☹️.

It’s probably better the thread doesn’t come from me.
If I don’t see anything similar come up on CAF maybe I will make this thread some time in the future.


#20

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