The older I get, the less I believe. As a young man, when many Catholics drift away from the Church and experiment with other lifestyles, I was steadfast. There was no room in my heart or mind for doubt about God, Heaven or Church teachings. Now, deep in middle age, life has taught me to not hope for much. Anything I’ve ever looked forward to turned out to be disappointing, in the end.
Belief in Hell is easy. Belief in Heaven seems like a fairy tale. I don’t know if there’s God or not. Nor do I live as though I care. But I want to believe again. There just aren’t any logical, intellectual reasons to believe anymore. I still attend mass every Sunday. Abstain from meat on Lenten Fridays. I say the rote prayers before meals and bedtimes. Those are lifelong habits. But I don’t really believe anymore.
In 15 or 20 years, when I die, if there is a hell and I go there, I’m sure it will physically disgusting and torturous. If there’s a heaven and I go there, it will be completely ethereal and void of physical enjoyment. So what’s the point?