Hello all. I hope you can give me some advice.
My husband is a good man and he treats me very well. He has a good job, is very involved with our two children, and does a lot around the house. I am very blessed to be his wife. He is a non-practicing Lutheran who very occasionally comes to Mass with me (2-3 times per year). I recently had my first cycle after giving birth to our second son, and we are using NFP to avoid.
My husband definitely has more trouble abstaining than I do. He would never think of using (or asking me to use) ABC, but he has no qualms about masturbation and finishing outside of me.
I try to be faithful to church teaching, but I am often at a loss when he wants me to participate when I know or suspect he does not intend to finish the act in the proper way. I want to be loving and be intimate with him, so I am reluctant to refuse outright. I also understand that as long as I make my views known, and I do not seek disordered pleasure for myself, his choices are not my sin. I am often tired with two young children and a full time job, so I really do have to work to make myself available to him.
The other night he initiated intimacy, and I as usual suspected he would not be completing the act. I tried to be intimate anyway. He was touching me, and he asked if I wanted him to use his penis there. I said yes, but soon realized I was mistaken in what he meant.
He initiated anal sex, and I hated it. I am not a very good communicator sometimes, and I know he has been frustrated in the past with my lack of interest when our first son was small. I didn’t say anything, but tried to pull away a little, and just put up with it, thinking my discomfort served me right and could be my penance for not putting a stop to what I knew would be disordered from the start.
I hoped to just forget about the whole thing, and tell him later that I prefer he avoid that particular activity. Today I am still feeling upset about it, and am on the verge of tears. I want to tell him how I feel, but I don’t want him to think I am just attacking him, or questioning his ability to please me, or to feel that I am afraid of him. I also think he must have though I knew what he was asking, but I assumed the touching that was going on back there was incidental and unintended, as I know I have asked him not to touch me there in the past (years ago though).
Anyway, I think I am getting less and less clear as I type, so I should finish this post. Any advice on how to tell my husband I feel violated? He really is a good man who loves me and encourages my faith and faith for our children. He just doesn’t share the fullness of the faith.