How do I tell the kids this?


#1

Well, actually, they already know: my husband of 16 years has a lover- same one he had 10 years ago when I was pregnant (I didn’t find out until 6 years ago). My girls are 9 and 12, and they’re shocked- “God doesn’t allow this, right mommy?” “Why is daddy doing this? That’s adultery”. Yeah, so, how can I keep them from getting totally messed up by his behavior (he wants to file for divorce after he gets back from his deployment)- he’s not a very good role model, is he? If I talk to anybody, they get upset, they think I might go off looking for guys now (no thanks, one cheater was enoguh, besides, I still consider myself married!). I know my marriage is over, but the kids are in denial- they don’t know that I forgave him his 3 affairs 6 years ago- he says he lost all respect for me when I forgave him (he just keeps kicking me while I’m down already). He says he never loved me, since he’S incapable of loving- even his kids! I wonder if that’s enoguh grounds for an annulment, when the time comes. Besides, he never wanted kids anyway, even tried to coerce me into an abortion with the younger one (when I refused, he turned around and had a few affairs).
So, any advice how to tell the kids firmly yet gently that it’s over (as much as I hate it, I still love him´and I believe in my marriage vows) and to prevent them from becoming nasty girls like the ones their dad is hanging out with (my biggest fear, I keep praying to Our Lord to save them from that!)?
Any ideas? I’m pretty lost here, thanks
God bless


#2

I think you and your girls ought to seek out a solid, Catholic counselor to help you with this.

I also think you have grounds for an annulment, and I’d be seeking one as soon as the divorce is final if it was me.

You should file for divorce, and try to freeze all your husband’s assets so he can’t hide them on you. It’s you and your girls you have to think of now, not a man with no love for any of you.

You have my prayers.:gopray2:


#3

Second it - a good Catholic Counseolr for your dear kids.

Also, they need to have a strong Catholic male involved their life. Is there an uncle or grandpa who can spend time with the kids?


#4

I have nothing to offer, but I just want you to know that I will be praying for you, your precious daughters, and a changed heart for your husband.


#5

I was in the same situation not too long ago and my wonderful priest told me to explain the situation to the kids 12, 9, 4 and 3 that their dad was battling a sin which he was not strong enough, spiritually, to overcome right now. We did a lot of praying for their dad. I did a great deal of explaining about how every individual has free will and no one not even God can intervene when a person chooses to sin rather than follow His laws. I really involved my children in a great deal of family prayer, the rosary, masses, holy hours etc for their dad. Their dad left our home for awhile but gradually came home. We utilized the help and spiritual advisement of our parish priest. Through all this I came to realize that I could only pray for him and he would have to be the one who turned away from the sin that had such a hold over him. He continues to seek spiritual advisement from our priest and has a really wonderful Catholic Counselor that is helping him deal with his inner demons from childhood and helping him to deepen his faith in a way he never thought possible before. I will keep you and your family in our prayers. Hang in there and focus right now on you and the children. I think that by explaining to your children that this a sin their father is caught up in and that he is the only one to overcome it with God’s help and your prayers will help ease the burden on them that all of this brings on a family.
God Bless you


#6

I would also suggest talking to a priest as soon as possible.

I feel for you and your daughters. I know from talking with my brother in law about when his parents seperated the effects that it can have on you at a young age.

You and your family will be in my prayers.


#7

thanks to you all. I have talked to my 2 priests many times aready. Now, after this has been going on for so long and dh says he never loved us anyway, my pastor said sadly, “well, you can’t force him to love you and stay with you…what are we going to do about the kids?” He then directed me towards our diocesan programs, since our parish doesn’t offer any counseling.I wasn’t too impressed with what they have to offer, and my kids do’t want to talk about their dad. I’m going away on a spiritual retreat this weekend- run by the diocese- this is for single parents with their kids. We’re going to the Baltic Sea and celebrate Pentecost there. I hope this will help the kids a bit, too, seeing others in similar situations.
I’m praying non stop for my husband, but sometimes it feels like I hear the devil laughing at my efforts. Dh thinks he’s going to h.e.l.l. either way, and he said he’s fine with it. What a horrible statement. I fear for his soul. Please keep us in your prayers that the children won’t hear comments like this from him that might destroy even more…


#8

First of all you are all in my prayers! :gopray2: I am SO sorry this is all happening to you. :console:

Other than seeing the priest or a counselor, I can only add one more thing.

Your job is to protect those kids more than this marriage. Sounds harsh, but you have a right to separate for protective purposes (the Church states this clearly.) You need to protect the children from this man both spiritually and physically. Also, I DO see many grounds for an annulment here, if you do decide to go that route. It may help you to find peace in this situation if nothing else.

On that note, I do not know your children’s personalities, so I would not know the best approach to tell them about all of this. Maybe a close relative or friend, whom you can trust with this, would be best on that subject.

But, again, you are ASSURED my prayers! :gopray2:

God bless you and Mary keep you!


#9

Wow, how sad. :frowning:

I will include him in my prayers…one Divine Mercy Chaplet coming up…


#10

rkberlin, I’m so sorry, please be assured of my prayers. You are such a good person to be so concerned for your husband even after he has hurt you so much. You’re walking the walk with Jesus, & He is so proud of you. Try to think of that when those comments that he lost all respect for you come to mind. Whenever you’re able to offer up your pain & your prayers, I know they will help to save your husband. It might not be till his deathbed, but Jesus can’t say no to you & your sweet daughter’s prayers. I read last week to say “Jesus, I trust in You, take care of ---------” whenever you worry about a loved one’s salvation. You can say this for your daughter’s as well, as you worry that this situation will damage them.

I think having them pray for their Dad is a great idea, too. Kid’s prayers are powerful as they are so close to God, & I think it makes them fell empowered in a bad situation. I would re-iterate what others have said, that even grown-ups & Dads make bad mistakes, & Dad’s is a serious sin. Some people don’t know how to be good parents, but I would stress that it’s not their fault & Dad’s not loving them the way they deserve does not reflect on them. Catholic counseling & trying to keep their lives normal in other ways. Do some fun things to let them know you all will be OK. At their age they are probably learning about mortal sin & hell. Whenever my kids worry about this, I always remind them about God’s Divine Mercy. I tell my kids I would forgive them anything, & God’s mercy goes infinitely way beyond that…
Sorry so verbose, will pray for your family.


#11

Thank you all!I had a talk with my 12 year old yesterday, she’s devastated, doesn’t want her dad to be like this and doesn’t understand, but she also withdrew from me afterwards and didn’t want to talk anymore…Now she’s trying to make her dad sound good when she talks to him…Poor things. Anyway, thanks for your prayers, I can feel some at work already, I’ll be at peace one day- God willing


#12

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.