I see my xh has found a new wife! Was he married to you all along too?
Since you seem determined to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear there (more power to you. I couldn’t do it!) you need to vent to God. Keep a journal. Write it all down. Hide the journal from the husband.
Perfect these phrases: Yes, dear. Whatever, dear. That’s not up for discussion, dear.
Say it in the same tone every time.
He will get the message that you know all and see all and have stopped taking the bait and just choose not to talk about it.
Good luck. Apparently you are used to living without any of your needs being met. I predict, though, that you saying nothing negative about his bad behavior won’t be enough. Eventually, he will insist you praise him. Because he’s an attention-seeking narcissist. And he wants mommy to think he’s a wonderful little boy. (How’s THAT relationship, by the way??? )
Yeah, I was married to your husband.
Develop a really strong prayer life. You’ll need it. And spend as little time with him as possible. When he dies, he’ll find out he didn’t really get away with anything at all.
Sorry to be glum. Your letter brought back lots of bad memories of being yelled at because I didn’t buttress my xh’s wonderful self image by praising him morning, noon, and night. And he’s got you believing you fail miserably. (I’ll bet that’s his voice in your head telling you that.)
I committed the egregious sin of not “supporting him.” Which translated to not telling him how great he was when he was lying, cheating and stealing from his wife and kids in every way, shape and form possible.
The care and feeding of husbands shouldn’t be used on narcissists. It just makes them feel more entitled to unearned glory. It’s like shovelling coal into a bottomless chute. It’s never enough to feed the fire. You’ll kill yourself trying.
With a normal man, you don’t have to nag and complain. When you indicate to a normal man that, say, him leaving his coffee cup where the baby can spill it is upsetting, he doesn’t make a point every morning after that of doing exactly what bothers you just so he doesn’t feel like anyone is giving him orders. A normal man says, “Oh, sorry. You’re right. Don’t want baby to get burned.” And it never happens again.
Show me a nagging, complaining wife, and I"ll show you a passive aggressive husband who would poke his eye out with a fork before he’d ever concede to any of her requests because to him marriage is a power struggle and a zero sum game and if she “wins” that means he “loses.”
Pray hard. For strength for yourself.