If you e been following my other topics, I’ve been praying for the renewal of a relationship that was torn apart due to mental illness. It seems that God is answering my prayers, but very slowly. Although I’ve always suffered from impatience, I am taking it one day at a time.
When I was a child, my mother was my primary source of learning about God. She had an odd point of view on prayer. She basically saw it as a monkey’s paw: you can pray for something, but hope you don’t get it, because God is a smart-Alek that will screw you over in the end. Say you prayed for $1000. You’d get it, but then God would have you get into a car accident and the medical bills would come to $1000. So you’d never get to use that money as you intended. Or say you prayed that your dog would become well if it were sick. It would get better for a few months, but then crash and die.
I don’t know where my mother got these ideas, but they’ve stuck in my head for a long time. Anytime something that I’ve prayed for seems to be going my way, I start getting anxious and suspicious, waiting for God to strike in a bad way.
Right now I’m visiting my former boyfriend and we’re getting along really well. He’s obviously still seriously depressed, but I am here for him to serve as a loving presence. We talk a long when we’re on the phone and talk about our lives in person. We made appointments to see a psychiatrist and a therapist together. I’m really hopeful and glad that it seems my prayers are being answered. But then I called him “honey”, and he said, “Don’t call me honey.”
It crushed me. I feel like all the answered prayers were a sham; that God’s been leading me on the whole time. It was just words. He’s depressed. I know. But now I feel like it’s all been a waste of time.
How do I know when Satan is trying to discourage me? Did Satan or a spirit of depression inspire him to say that?