How do we stop ourselves going too far?


#1

Hi, I have read in the previous posts how in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, we are not to go futher than kissing. My boyfriend and I are having real difficulty stopping ourselves and have gone 'too far' a number of times...
Do you have any tips on how we can stop ourselves? We really need the help...
Thank you!


#2

One good way it to make sure that you two don't spend too much time alone. It's hard to go "too far" with other people in the room.

Sam, the Neon Orange Knight


#3

[quote="Ne_OrangeKnight, post:2, topic:234054"]
One good way it to make sure that you two don't spend too much time alone. It's hard to go "too far" with other people in the room.

[/quote]

Which is very true, but don't you need that alone time to allow your relationship to develop? To really get to know each other?


#4

[quote="rosie89, post:3, topic:234054"]
Which is very true, but don't you need that alone time to allow your relationship to develop? To really get to know each other?

[/quote]

Try being "alone but not alone." So, in the living room watching a movie together, but other people are home. Or out to dinner. At a public park. Walking through the mall. There are plenty of ways to make it work!


#5

[quote="rosie89, post:3, topic:234054"]
Which is very true, but don't you need that alone time to allow your relationship to develop? To really get to know each other?

[/quote]

yeah,...but instead of being in a room alone, go out to a movie or go outside and throw a football around or something.....and if you are in a room alone, and just remember you have the stop sign, you carry it with you...ask God to help also..if you two respect each other enough, you wouldnt want to hurt each other would you?...just have that thought in your mind...and talking about it helps too, express how you feel about things and it takes two to make a relationship work, and most important God....


#6

Some ideas:
*going to a movie
*going to the mall
*going to dinner
*going to a theme park/amusement park
*bowling/miniature golf

If you're at each other's houses, always make sure someone else is there. Don't go into bedrooms alone together.

Remember, the main purpose of dating is to discern marriage. It is very difficult to discern if the person you're dating is right for you if you are getting physical. Physical activity leads to strong emotional attachments, which means that if that person is NOT right for you (most people are not going to be a good match) it is going to be harder to break up. You are going to be more likely to ignore something that will drive you crazy or lead to divorce in the long run. Or rush into something before you know each other very well (1.5 to 3 years is the ideal dating period unless you're still a teenager).


#7

Thanks for the help :)
I guess the point is that we just don't let ourselves get into these situations in the first place. I definitely want my relationship to be based on friendship, and not the physical side of things. It just gets very hard when it's late at night, and we're both tired. We just both need to be stronger.


#8

[quote="rosie89, post:1, topic:234054"]
Hi, I have read in the previous posts how in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, we are not to go futher than kissing. My boyfriend and I are having real difficulty stopping ourselves and have gone 'too far' a number of times...
Do you have any tips on how we can stop ourselves? We really need the help...
Thank you!

[/quote]

Rosie, remaining chaste is not a passive thing. You both must actively WORK to ensure you're chaste. I would recommend sitting down with your boyfriend and agreeing (in writing if necessary) about what you will and will not do, how much time is OK to spend alone in a car, at each other's homes, etc. Before we married, my husband and I decided we handled chastity issues better if our dates took place during the middle of the day. It was easier to do a lunch date and end it when it was supposed to end. Why? We both typically had other activities later in the day that required our attention. Plus, even if we were alone in a car, there's not much temptation to be seen "making out" in the middle of the day.

I agree with the communication thing. Go for walks, to the bookstore, art galleries, etc. I'm not a fan of movies. You're still in the dark and you can't talk during a movie anyway. Rather, go to public places where you can freely talk and learn about each other. Also, attend church together whenever you can. It will give you both strength and resolve to do things the right way.


#9

I want to add that HE has to be part of the stopping, too. You don't want this to turn into your constant murmurs that, "We shouldn't..." while he's pushing for a little more, then a little more, then a little more. That will quickly turn you into Negative Nelly and your relationship will either spiral into total demise (if you're lucky) or you'll give in because you hate to be the one who is always saying no.

Don't make excuses for him that he's too tired. He's not too tired for physical contact that is beyond what you should be doing, so he's not too tired to man up and protect you from sin. If he doesn't have the maturity to practice self control (which is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit) and resist this temptation no matter how tired his is, then he's not mature enough to date a woman with values.

And if "tiredness" is really an issue here, then the pair of you needs to say goodbye at 10 p.m. and go to your respective homes alone.


#10

If kissing is causing a strong temptation to go further, then it may be that the kissing that you are doing is already too far. Wherever that line is that shows were "too far is," it is not prudent to go right up to that line and trust yourself not to cross - or fall - over. Rather, stay away from the line altogether. If you were at the top of the cliff, would you stand on the edge with your toes hanging over the precipice, or would you stay safely back several feet, so that you knew that even if you stumbled, you still wouldn't go over the edge? Perhaps the way you and your boyfriend are kissing is too much like teetering on the edge of the cliff.

As a married woman, I know that a certain type of kissing is going to make my dh and I want to go further (and to complete the marital act). I don't want to cause temptation or frustration, so during those times in which the marital act is not an option, we don't kiss in the same way as we would at times when it is an option. Unfortunately, when we were dating, we didn't know what we know now, so we made a lot of mistakes in this area, which of course all started with kissing. And let me tell you, we If I could talk to my unmarried self, I would tell myself that getting "a kiss" here or there would be ok in certain situations, but "kissing" (i.e. making out) is playing with fire and not to do it.


#11

[quote="rosie89, post:1, topic:234054"]
Hi, I have read in the previous posts how in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, we are not to go futher than kissing. My boyfriend and I are having real difficulty stopping ourselves and have gone 'too far' a number of times...
Do you have any tips on how we can stop ourselves? We really need the help...
Thank you!

[/quote]

Stop the kissing then!!!! I have a feeling you guys are doing more than a good-night peck on the cheek...am I right? Tongue-kissing is foreplay. Foreplay is for intercourse. Intercourse is designed for MARRIAGE!

You are kidding yourselves if you think by playing with the fire of your bodies, you will not get burned. It's easy to justify going just a little further until you cross a big line.

Get out into public and stop tempting each other!!


#12

I think you need to deeply believe what you have decided to adhere to.

For instance...if you say the "well I don't want to x" and think "I can x-1 if he does it first" then you're setting yourself up for disaster.


closed #13

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