How do you choose betwen father and sister?


#1

I am in visit to my parents and they are very upset on my sister. First because she is a lesbian and they can't acept the situation and secondly because she doesn't come to visit and she doesn't treat them respectfuly. My father wants to cut her from his wil and put me as the whole owner of his house and all his posesions after his death. I do not want this, i want to honestly split everything with my sister. I was even thinking to say like him and after that manage everything with my sister. But my father was speaking about preparing a testament with his lawyers and making sure she wil get nothing. He is teling me that is his wish that none of his money or posesions goes into the hands of the girlfriend of my sister. And says that i can give her money only if she becomes a normal woman and gets maried with a boy. My father is also angry because when my grandfather died she didn't come to the funeral but she caled to ask about his apartment 2 days after the funeral. He told her that until i die you wil get nothing.

Now i am like betwen the hamer and the nail. What is sin in this situation. If i listen to my father that i will destroy my reltion with my sister. If i listen to my sister i wil disrespect the wish of my father.

Now they are still young and healthy but this situation is already creating tension in the family. I stayed with my parents for 10 days and the sujbect of my sister is the only thing he is talking about. Never he says she wil get anything from me unles she becomes again normal. This for me is very stresful because i love them both.


#2

What your father does with his possessions is his business and he can do whatever he wants.

I don't know why you think you are in the middle of anything.


#3

[quote="1ke, post:2, topic:239048"]
What your father does with his possessions is his business and he can do whatever he wants.

I don't know why you think you are in the middle of anything.

[/quote]

Agree! Your father is free to leave his possesions to whomever he wants.


#4

[quote="1ke, post:2, topic:239048"]
What your father does with his possessions is his business and he can do whatever he wants.

I don't know why you think you are in the middle of anything.

[/quote]

Because after his death he wil leave it to me and they wil become my posesion and loose my sister. Yes, he is free to do enything he wants and leave the mess on my head. He said that what he wil leave me is also the responsability not to give her anything unles hse gets maried with a man.


#5

Well I think your father sounds very wrong.

But let it be between them.
If he cannot accept your sister and doesn't want to see her again then she probably will not want any of his money anyway... but I must say, so much talk about money and inheritance sounds very unhealthy.

A parent is supposed to love unconditionally his child. Especially if the child is sick. Your father is making a mistake. You can only pray that before his death he will reconcile with his child.

Where is your mother in all this? Am I correct to assume she is quite a passive and transparent figure?


#6

[quote="GraceDK, post:5, topic:239048"]
Well I think your father sounds very wrong.

But let it be between them.
If he cannot accept your sister and doesn't want to see her again then she probably will not want any of his money anyway... but I must say, so much talk about money and inheritance sounds very unhealthy.

A parent is supposed to love unconditionally his child. Especially if the child is sick. Your father is making a mistake. You can only pray that before his death he will reconcile with his child.

Where is your mother in all this? Am I correct to assume she is quite a passive and transparent figure?

[/quote]

About my sister you are wrong she wil definitely want the money. After the death of my grandfather her concern was about who gets the aparment. I am not woried at al that my sister wil not want the money.

My mother is pasive. what my father decides is considered their common decision. What she wants doesn't mater very much.

Yes this is what i want i want them reconciled and i don't want favourites. But right now for my father this is the only topic of discussion. The thruth is that she treated them very disrespectfuly when she last visited them and maybe this is more hurtful to them then being lesbian.


#7

First and for most, pray. God shows us the path that he wants us to take in helping those we love. A child's need for a parent's love will always trump a sibling's. But then again, you can be instrumental in helping your father to forgive your sister. This sounds like it will take some time. But time does heal all wounds. Remember, down deep your father still loves your sister. Try not to add to the fire. Forgiveness, prayer, understanding, throw in hope, and finish with love when talking to your father. It sounds like he feels powerless, so the leverage of the will becomes his only weapon to try and assure himself that he is not. But, in reality there is nothing a parent can actually do about a child who is now an adult. Remind your father that "Love conquers all."

When speaking separately to your sister, remind her that your father probably will never change how he feels about her being a lesbian. (However, doing the time that I was living a gay lifestyle my parents changed their attitude and accepted a policy of "all we want for you is that you are happy.") Assure her that your father still loves her, and ask her to try and set aside her anger in order to pray for her father. Adult children resort to anger to remind themselves that they are not children anymore. Try not to fan the flames with her by reminding her about how she should be nicer to your parents. She is well aware of her actions and will calm down when she feels more secure about herself.

God bless


#8

Your father can leave his money and possessions to anyone he wishes. What you do with the money and possessions once they become yours is not something he can control, unless it is set up in some sort of trust. If it is a simple
inheritance you receive from him, then once everything is in your name you can do what you want with it, including giving half to your sister.

Do not allow yourself to get caught up in his scheme to manipulate you and punish her.


#9

Your father is using his estate as a weapon to punish his lesbian daughter, and you’ve been caught in the middle of this. His actions in this matter are extremely self-centered. When this kind of thing happens the ill will it creates lasts two and even three generations, and he’s not going to care because he’ll be dead. It’s you and your sister, not to mention your children, will be left coping with this mess the rest of your lives.

You have every right not to be caught in the middle of it. If you live in the US, you have the right to speak with an attorney to find out what your options are. I would strongly urge you to do this.

I find it deplorable when parents try to control their children with threats to their inheritance, or try punish their kids from beyond the grave.


#10

Unless you’ve seen the actual will, and it’s provisions, you don’t know the particulars.

You won’t have a mess. If your father dies first, wouldn’t your mother need to be provided for? If it bothers you, tell your father you don’t want the inheritance. Maybe he can leave it to the Church or the poor.

It really isn’t your concern.

If you do end up as the sole benefactor, after you inherit see a financial planner for ways to share with your sister. :shrug:


#11

j


#12

[quote="GraceDK, post:5, topic:239048"]
Well I think your father sounds very wrong.

But let it be between them.
If he cannot accept your sister and doesn't want to see her again then she probably will not want any of his money anyway... but I must say, so much talk about money and inheritance sounds very unhealthy.

A parent is supposed to love unconditionally his child. Especially if the child is sick. Your father is making a mistake. You can only pray that before his death he will reconcile with his child.

Where is your mother in all this? Am I correct to assume she is quite a passive and transparent figure?

[/quote]

hows is the father wrong. yea he has to love his daughter but he doesnt have to support his daughters choice of having a homosexual relationship with another women. Sounds like he doesnt want the money to go to her because he doesnt want to support such a lifestyle and defiantly does not want his daughters girlfriend to have any of it.


#13

You must remember that if you agree to respect his will then you cannot do something differently once he his dead because that would be lying and not honoring your father. If you make it clear that you do not agree with him and that you will do what you think it is right then you are home free. If you and him cannot find an acceptable solution then just tell him not to leave any money to the two of you, because you do not have any right to it and you do not want strings attached to the inheritance.


#14

You’re assuming there will be any money. I don’t care how large the estate is, once our parents become ill; money just burns up like someone poured gas on it.

Regardless, your duty is to honor your Father. Period. If your sister is greedy about wanting an inheritance that is between her and God. Believe me I understand this intimately from the perspective of your sister; because my mother prematurely gave her house to my one sister (giving neither me nor my other sister anything) then proceeded to move into my house along with my father for me to care for them. I can rail at and hate my sister (she did take advantage and … well… ), but I really CAN’T; because the house was my mother’s to dispose of. I could spend my life consumed with hatred for my mother and my sister; instead, I have only sympathy for their unhealthy relationship.

My neighbor was more in your shoes: his sister wouldn’t do a thing for his father; never called never visited; meanwhile, my neighbor spent the last years of his father’s life caring for the man, which was not easy. Needless to say, the estate was left to my neighbor. This is a very common occurrence between parents and estranged children and really has nothing to do with your sister being a lesbian. Period. Moreover it is ABSOLUTELY none of your business.

Bottom line - 1. You are worrying about money that does not exist and may never.
2. You are the only one your parents have to depend on to care for them. Period.

Love your sister, but respect your father and have the intention of respecting his wishes. If the Spirit moves you otherwise beyond both your parent’s demise; listen then and only then.

Peace.


#15

[quote="if_youCthispray, post:12, topic:239048"]
hows is the father wrong. yea he has to love his daughter but he doesnt have to support his daughters choice of having a homosexual relationship with another women. Sounds like he doesnt want the money to go to her because he doesnt want to support such a lifestyle and defiantly does not want his daughters girlfriend to have any of it.

[/quote]

Having ssa is not something that a person chooses. Its a very heavy cross and its understandable when people succomb in their need for intimacy and feeling accepted, to seeking that solution which seems to offer happiness, namely relationship with same sex person. This, until the daughter is healed, will be what she experiences as her hope of happiness in this life. Its easy for others to tell such a person to live a single and celibate life, but this is not easy at all.
Besides, do you think this father condemnation helps her or make matters worse? Do you think he is in a position to help his daughter when he thus condemns her? He says, marry a man or you wont get any inheritance... I can only shake my head.
The father's resentment might well just trow her further into her lifestyle and away from the religious world view that he is possibly representing to her.

Besides, ssa, as far as I have studied psychology, its actually the consequence of insecure attachment and problems identifying with the parent of same-sex and differentiating from parent of other sex. It happens in early childhood and makes a child develop ssa if that person is already fragile. That means - which is quite ironic - that this dominant father and his passive wife might have helped caused the gender-identity deficit in their daughter, which the father now so strongly condemns as a major personal sin.

To The OP, if you love your sister and are interested in the causes of ssa, I urge you to read a book: Janelle Hallmann: "The Heart of Female Same Sex Attraction".
This book might help you clear up many things.

No person is an island.


#16

You don’t choose. You tell both of them this is not a topic you will discuss with either of them. Period. End of sentence. End of statement. End of conversation. Full stop. How about them… Lakers/Raiders/Kings/Dodgers, weather, dog, neice, car- whatever, anything else.

My father saw several friends families torn apart by fights over wills, his motto was- He was going to spend his last dollar on his last day. I’ve since seen his wisdom as I’ve witnessed similar fights in other families.

  • You’ve said your father has been disrespected by your sister. Although that was morally wrong of your sister to do, she legally had that right. However, actions have consequences. She choose to insult and hurt your father, he has chose how he wants his estate- the fruit of all his labors- to be used. He doesn’t want it to go to someone who’s insulted him, disrespected him and treated him shabbily. Why should it? He has made a logical choice based on your sisters actions. This is between them, refuse to be in the middle, see first comment.

  • She also seems very materialistic. She disrespects your father, but then wants his money when he’s gone? So, she doesn’t want to treat him as a dutiful daughter, but then wants to be treated well by him in the will. If you don’t live up to your responsibilities to others, you can’t claim they have a responsibilty to you. Don’t take sides, this is between them, see first comment.

  • I’m sure he still loves her, but that doesn’t mean catering to her desires. This is between them, see first comment.

  • Where he is in error, in my opinion, is in discussing this with you and your sister. His will is his choice, but he needn’t discuss it with anyone if his instructions are clear in the document. He has needlessly put you in the middle of things. This is between them, see first comment.

  • I would refuse to discuss this any further with him. Tell him that you’ll worry about the will after he’s gone because for all you know, he may outlive you. Or as others have said there may be nothing left.

  • Tell him you would rather enjoy your time with him now than enjoy his money when he’s gone. Encourage him to spend it on himself and others so he can enjoy the fruit of his labors vice living for others. Seriously, when he’s gone would you rather have the memories of a good vacation with him or 20,000 in the bank? Encourage him to 'Spend his last dollar on his last day."


#17

[quote="GraceDK, post:15, topic:239048"]
Besides, do you think this father condemnation helps her or make matters worse? Do you think he is in a position to help his daughter when he thus condemns her? He says, marry a man or you wont get any inheritance... I can only shake my head.
The father's resentment might well just trow her further into her lifestyle and away from the religious world view that he is possibly representing to her.

[/quote]

The father is not condemning anyone, realizing that such a relationship is wrong and should not be supported is not condemnation.

It doesnt matter whether his disapproval of such a immoral relationship helps or makes it worse, he should not have to approve of homosexual relationships just because he might upset his daughter if he doesnt.


#18

It is a most difficult issue. I too have seen families torn apart by the expectation of an inheritance, let alone the reality. Like it or not, money stands for a whole lot of things in this world, two of which are love and approval.

In families where the approval and love of the parents has been lacking in some tangible way, the inheritance seems to stand for "what I wanted but never got from Dad or Mom." IOW, "I may not have had his love, but now I can use his money to make myself happy, or even to punish him in return after he's dead."

And if the parent, or other relative, wishes to punish one of the children from beyond the grave, he or she will start a feud that may last through several generations or longer. This is a very terrible thing to do - it puts the person who receives the money or possessions in a bad position - then the sibling who didn't get the goods can turn his hatred onto the favored child. Or maybe it's always been that way, and the Golden Child is even favored after the parent's death. This really can split families completely apart.

In this case, the homosexuality of the child makes things more difficult. But as I consider the situation, I do think the father is being unreasonable. If he loves both of his daughters, he should split the money or things between them. After all, the heterosexual daughter might end up with a drug addict for a husband, who runs through the money and steals the things to sell them. Maybe the girlfriend of the homosexual daughter will treat the inherited items like treasures to be cherished. It's not his hammer from the grave to go on and create a grudge between the sisters.

If it were me, I would not lie to my father, but neither would I accept his viewpoint. I'd say, "Dad, I am sorry that you want to punish my sister in that way. But you go ahead and do what you have to. I will get financial advice after you and mom have passed away, I promise." And then, if and when the death came, and there was any money left, I'd split the estate between me and my sister. The end.

Spending all of one's money is kind of risky - we never know when we will be asked to leave this earth. We might outlive all our money and be dependent upon that daughter or son whom we haven't accepted...

:shrug:


#19

If this indeed does happen and your sister decides to cut you off because your father decides to leave everything to you, then that will be her decision. You are not responsible for that.


#20

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:18, topic:239048"]

In this case, the homosexuality of the child makes things more difficult. But as I consider the situation, I do think the father is being unreasonable. If he loves both of his daughters, he should split the money or things between them. After all, the heterosexual daughter might end up with a drug addict for a husband, who runs through the money and steals the things to sell them. Maybe the girlfriend of the homosexual daughter will treat the inherited items like treasures to be cherished. It's not his hammer from the grave to go on and create a grudge between the sisters.
:shrug:

[/quote]

My husband is not a drug addict, please don't speak if you don't know. And I am smart enough not to live with somebody like this.
On the other hand my sister is very influential person. She has been influenced by many bad people in her life and i had to take her out of the mess all the time or my parents had to. And most of all she was dating boys until she met this girl so we are not even sure she is lesbian or just badly influenced.
I believe it's not so much about the homosexuality but about her disrespectful behavior towards them. Last year she came home after being away for 4 years. She was shouting at them that i don't need you anymore, i have my life and i don't need anything from you. Then she refused to sleep home but went to sleep at her girlfriends family because she said they are nicer. After that her salary was reduced and now she is crying to them on the phone that she needs some sum of money and maybe somebody can help her.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.