How do you date a shy, introverted girl?


#1

In my experience, a lot of seriously Catholic girls tend to be shy and introverted. I consider myself to be not shy and moderately extroverted. What are some of the things that I need to be mindful of? I've noticed that I oftentimes move faster than they do, and it has often been to the detriment of the relationships. Are shy, introverted girls looking for someone who's like them and hence understands them better, or someone who's more extroverted and can take the lead in the relationship?

Thank you in advance.


#2

Well, I can only answer for myself.

I have always been shy and introverted. My husband is very talkative and outgoing. I've always preferred outgoing guys, they are able to bring me out of my shell. Anytime I tried talking with a guy who was quiet and shy like me, we always ended up sitting in silence.

With quiet girls it's best to take things slow and/or let her lead the speed of things. make sure she's cool with things before taking the next step. With any relationship it's best to make sure you're both on the same page and wanting the same things before doing or expressing more than you both might be ready for. Show interest in her life, in what she is interested in. Hobbies, tv shows, etc. Ask her questions and then let her talk. Because she's so shy, chances are not many people give her the chance to speak. Being shy/introverted doesn't mean you don't want to talk...just means you think carefully before doing so. Because of that most times the chance to speak up passes. Be a good listener. Take the lead in the relationship by asking her what she likes to do, where she would like to go...then let her lead by giving her the chance to choose where you go to hang out/on a date/etc. Being with someone who is quiet takes some patience. It may take a little time for them to fully open up and be comfortable sharing a lot with you, but in the end it might just be worth the hard work. :) Hmm, that's all I can think of for now. Hope it's helped some at least.


#3

Some people who are shy and introverted actually look for someone who isn't.

You can say many thing about me, but I am neither shy nor introverted. I usually date women who are a bit more shy than myself-but they must be secure.

Try to view her more as your girfriend than your "shy and introverted" girlfriend.

Good luck and God bless.


#4

Keep in mind that not all introverted people are "shy." Some people just don't thrive on lots and lots of social stimulation (and need a break from it to recharge.) Like me. :thumbsup:

I would definitely be open to letting the girl set the pace this way; you will be respecting her needs and understanding that there is not necessarily something wrong with her, she just relates to the world in a different way. If you insist on constantly being out and about, with large groups of people, she probably won't respond well to that. One-on-one time may be better, for discussions and occasionally, silence and just enjoying each other's company. There are benefits to being introverted, but Western society largely ignores those benefits and portrays being introverted as a negative trait. Introverted people tend to be very contemplative, deliberate in their actions, and introspective. These are good traits in a Catholic and a spouse. :D

(Also, as it took DH a while to learn this: When he and I argue, I need time to settle before we can resolve it. I can't just go and do, do, do. I need to think first and plan. He is a much more extroverted, action-oriented person. He used to think that if I left to think, it meant I wanted to break up. Not so.)

Good luck out there in the dating world!


#5

Erm… what do you mean by the sentence I’ve highlighted in your post?


#6

[quote="silicasandra, post:4, topic:254423"]
He used to think that if I left to think, it meant I wanted to break up. Not so.)

[/quote]

Yea, I have the same problem. What do you think about in such cases?


#7

Read "Caring For Your Introvert."


#8

I always assumed men were more introverted than women, just look at the gossip culture and the fact that they love to socialize more and are usually less shy. Men of course socialize aswell but not at this scale


#9

[quote="Paddy1989, post:8, topic:254423"]
I always assumed men were more introverted than women, just look at the gossip culture and the fact that they love to socialize more and are usually less shy. Men of course socialize aswell but not at this scale

[/quote]

I assure you we are out there. :thumbsup: Maybe not as noticed since we're not as vocal, but we are. And there is more to socialization than gossip, of course.

Perhaps the stereotype of the "strong, silent type" of man is more prevalent than the "quiet librarian", though neither of these necessarily describe introverted or extraverted personalities (and even though I am strongly introverted, I am not "quiet" nor "shy" nor do I hate being around people. I just spend a lot of time in my own head. :) )

To OP: When needing a "break", it's usually just for a few hours at most. I've learned to handle DH's need for immediate resolution pretty well and sometimes it's just a few minutes in the bathroom to compose myself. Basically, I take time to step back and look at the situation more fully. Why am I upset and how would I like to resolve this issue? Do I understand why my husband is upset and what concessions could I make to help him feel better about this situation? I don't sit and stew - I actively think about resolving the conflict. This is a LOT easier for me to do when I'm by myself and have time to think. DH has learned to respect this about me as well and no longer thinks that wanting to be alone is a rejection of him or a sign that he's doing something wrong - it's just my way of recharging.


#10

[quote="SummertimeBlues, post:1, topic:254423"]
In my experience, a lot of seriously Catholic girls tend to be shy and introverted. I consider myself to be not shy and moderately extroverted. What are some of the things that I need to be mindful of? I've noticed that I oftentimes move faster than they do, and it has often been to the detriment of the relationships. Are shy, introverted girls looking for someone who's like them and hence understands them better, or someone who's more extroverted and can take the lead in the relationship?

Thank you in advance.

[/quote]

Obviously, it depends on the individual girl. When I was young, I was very shy and introverted, and what I was looking for was a companion who shared my interests, and who could be comfortable sitting together reading books, or doing other quiet activities.

For dates, rather than dinner and a movie (too public, too "show-offy"), I would have preferred a trip to the library, or to the museum, or even a hike in the mountains - something that doesn't require dressing up or being an impressive conversationalist. I also enjoyed going out dancing, because usually the music was so loud that conversation was impossible (and therefore, not required).

The man I married is also very shy, although we talk and laugh and carry on when it's just the two of us. :)


#11

A lot of good advice. I'm also a female introvert. I'd also suggest reading "The Introvert Advantage". It really gives you a good understanding of introverts even if you are not one. There is some scientific explanation to the way we process information which is different to most people. Apparently, introverts are in the minority and for years they were viewed as "socially inept" or socially "challenged" by those who didn't understand the inner workings of introverted people. It was truly viewed as a weakness, which was rather unfair in my opinion. A dear friend of mine (also a fellow introvert) recommended the book to me and when I read it, it was like the light was turned on. I totally understood where I was coming from and why I definitely wasn't like most people I knew. I fit the bill almost perfectly and tested on the high end of being an introvert. So... I really recommend it. It might help you understand any future introverted girlfriends.

As someone else mentioned, introverts also aren't always necessarily shy, but can appear to be so to others. (I was shy as a little girl, though.) I think they appear like this because many don't feel comfortable doing small talk and don't feel comfortable around large groups of people. They are the ones at a crowded function who will usually find a small duo, trio or quartet of people with common interests and stick together for the rest of the night. I remember when my husband and I were dating, he'd take me to these get-togethers with the other graduate students from his department and he originally just thought I was either severely shy or just didn't want to talk to people and couldn't understand what was wrong. I was neither, but I also was very uncomfortable being around people I didn't really know and couldn't find anything in common with. I truly did not know and did not understand the art of small talk back then. It was painful and I'm sure people either thought I was painfully shy or was a snob. (It's so funny with a few good friends of mine who thought that originally of me before they got to know me. They thought because I didn't talk much I was a snob and then realized later that I wasn't.) I think through my training as a journalist in college, I also learned how to redirect any conversation with people by being the listener and the questioner, thus allowing myself to not have to really engage in small-talk and steered towards something interesting that both parties involved would enjoy.

In terms to what kind of men introverted girls look for, I can only speak for myself. I was interested in both introverts and extroverts when I was dating, but I tended to prefer introverts. I just wanted someone who understood me and accepted me for who I was instead of trying to "help me come out of my shell". There was no shell to come out of. My husband is actually an introvert, although not as much as me. He was this serious, brooding, intense, passionate young man, yet at the same time had this funny, dorky sense of humor which I absolutely loved and helped bring me out and become much less serious. I'm so thankful for that because I feel more balanced in life now.

My husband and I were friends for a couple of years before we began dating, but one of the first things he told me when we became an item was that we could go as slow as I wanted and I really loved that. (That said, I was the one who took the lead of allowing us to become an item. I knew that he wouldn't make a move unless I did since I turned him down originally two years before. So, I had to be bold. Something (God) was telling me to say something or I'd lose my chance.) Our dates usually consisted of quiet walks in the woods, gardens, to the museums, attending classical music concerts (we're both musicians - I'm now a professional and he did it for the love of it), drives out to the country, reading 19th century novels and discussing them.... I got him to read "Jane Eyre" and it inspired him to compose a song for me with text from the novel... and lots of talking about life and the world around us. I remember we'd sometimes really depress ourselves because we tended to carry the weight of world on our shoulders (something introverts tend to do) but then we'd have a lot of laughter and goofiness as well.


#12

i am a female. i definitely had problems being introverted with a boyfriend and others i dated. when they assumed the problem was me, i was pretty adamant it was him or "them" the group of friends. I grew up in a socially conservative Catholic home. my understanding of faith, morals, shame, sin and so on come with me every where i go and whom ever i'm with. i withdraw when something conflicts with those listed above. but, i can be extroverted depending on the friendliness of others. knowing that my husband will back me up no matter what i say or trip and fall has helped me to losen up. hope that helps


#13

[quote="SummertimeBlues, post:1, topic:254423"]
In my experience, a lot of seriously Catholic girls tend to be shy and introverted. I consider myself to be not shy and moderately extroverted. What are some of the things that I need to be mindful of? I've noticed that I oftentimes move faster than they do, and it has often been to the detriment of the relationships. Are shy, introverted girls looking for someone who's like them and hence understands them better, or someone who's more extroverted and can take the lead in the relationship?

Thank you in advance.

[/quote]

Dude, I know this thread is old and sorry for resurrecting it but when you're walking with a girl, you can't walk faster than her. You should match your speed with hers. It's very polite and girls themselves may take it as a sign of a true gentleman.


#14

[quote="SummertimeBlues, post:1, topic:254423"]
In my experience, a lot of seriously Catholic girls tend to be shy and introverted. I consider myself to be not shy and moderately extroverted. What are some of the things that I need to be mindful of? I've noticed that I oftentimes move faster than they do, and it has often been to the detriment of the relationships. Are shy, introverted girls looking for someone who's like them and hence understands them better, or someone who's more extroverted and can take the lead in the relationship?

Thank you in advance.

[/quote]

No sure where you are getting that from. Most of the Catholic ladies I know are far from shy or introverted. Where are you looking???


#15

[quote="GutsfromBerserk, post:13, topic:254423"]
Dude, I know this thread is old and sorry for resurrecting it but when you're walking with a girl, you can't walk faster than her. You should match your speed with hers. It's very polite and girls themselves may take it as a sign of a true gentleman.

[/quote]

He didn't mean walking faster. He meant, he wants the relationship to proceed faster than the shy girl. But yeah, it's an old thread that you shouldn't have resurrected.


#16

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