How do you do it?!


#1

This post is directed more to military wives, fiances, or girlfriends but any feedback is appreciated :slight_smile:

How do you deal with the first deployment?!

My fiance is in the US Air Force, and on my birthday (15 Dec) we found out that he is getting sent to Afganistan…NLT 01 Jan. And while it is only for six months, I am not sure how to deal with it! We had plans to start our marriage prep classes and such early in the new year, but now it looks like our wedding will be postponed a year or so. And while I would wait forever for this man, it just seems so hard to cope! It will also be postponing his RCIA classes…

I support him 100% and am SOOOO proud of him for serving our country. He was hand-picked for this assignment because of how good he is at his job, and even though I am so proud, I am also sad…

Please don’t think I am selfish by saying that I wish he didn’t have to go… but I do. I guess this is something I’ll have to get used to as a military wife… the first night when he told me, i sobbed, but since that I have been strong for him.

Any tips or stories to help with this? I will be starting my last year of nursing school in Feb, so I will be busy. I was also thinking of making a scrapbook for us while he is away…

Thanks for listening :slight_smile:


#2

I have heard of other posters talking about how some of the big bases have RCIA programs. Is he going to one of those?

I am very sorry :( All we can do is pray for his safety and quick return. He should also be prepared to say no if they try to encourage him to stay longer(they always try to do this)... he needs to make it clear that it's six months only, period, no exceptions! Getting married to you is very important... I mean that's his life, jobs can only take so much of that away. :(


#3

I am not an Army wife but I my dh is an Army husband. I have been in the Reserves for 11 1/2 years. He has it pretty rough because most of the signigant others are female so when I am gone he finds himself by himself or hanging out with military guys that are home that understand. The good thing for me is that I know these guys will never try to lead him astray as they would not want me doing the same to them. That is the more practical side of the Christian values. :wink: Other than that my deploying is done - now I am dealing with disability and that is about it - some trips to field and schools and long absences. I think the important part is to remember that when you can’t be physically close you can always be spiritually close by strengthening the Sacrament. The way to strengthen that sacrament is to strengthen the individual relationships with Christ.


#4

Send packages :)

And stay busy yourself!


#5

*Prayers for you and him, forever. :gopray: Thank him from us for serving our country (and a thank you going out to you too, joan) *


#6

Well, first of all, your feelings are right on par. No significant other wants their beloved in harm’s way. That doesn’t make you anything but loving. You are still proud of him and of what he does and nothing will change that.

Practically, a deployment is something you must prepare for. My husband was stationed in Korea for a year without me and while I know it is different, there are a few things I will suggest that will be applicable.

  1. Get as much support as possible. Since you are not officially his dependent, he will have to let his first shirt know that he wants you invited to the deployed spouses meetings. They have experts that will help you with adjusting when he leaves as well as when gets back.

  2. If you do not have any girlfriends ‘married to the military’ make some. No matter how supportive your friends and family is, unless they’ve been through it, they have no idea. You will need GIRL friends who know what its like. And, in my experience, these are friendships for life. You will have to support them when it’s their husbands’ turn, and those bonds are never broken.

  3. The beginning is the most difficult. Everyone is different, but for me, I need the chance to cry it out. Never underestimate the power of a real chick flick and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and let it all come out.

  4. You must have trust in him - and you need to avoid the near occasion of sin. Nothing will ruin a relationship faster than doing something that destroys trust.

  5. Pray, pray, pray. Go to Adoration. Remind yourself that while he is going to be your husband on Earth, Jesus is the heavenly Bridegroom. If you need a date, make one with Christ - the ultimate man. Use this time to get closer to our Lord.

Feel free to contact me off forum if anything I’ve said strikes a chord.


#7

RCIA and pre-cana can still be done. The AF is usually at the larger bases so RCIA will be available. If he is able to see a priest regularly then he can do his end there and yours wherever you are. I know several couples who have done this. That way you won’t have to postpone you wedding. DH and I were thrown a 5-month deployment right before our wedding(back in 2000). We met with our priest twice and did an engaged encounter weekend right before he left, so our priest let us slide on the other meetings.He redeployed one week before our wedding.

As far as the deployment itself, you’ll just have to busy yourself with the wedding. I don’t know about you, but I planned the entire wedding myself (and loved it, I wasn’t one to want his input:o). I finished my last semester of college and planned a wedding while he was gone.

My DH is on his third year-long deployment, back to back. So I’m just going to be blunt and say this is the life you are choosing so you’re going to have to learn to be strong and do things by yourself. Make other AF wife friends. There are lot’s of message boards out there. Be lucky in the AF you’ll never have more than 6 months.


#8

aww I’m so sorry! my DH was a marine, before we were married he spent a year in afghan. it was hard as hell. I wasn’t near his family or mine. I had other friends, which helped, and I picked up a second job. I dealt best by keeping busy and trying to keep my mind occupied. I would write him a note, letter, or card almost every day. I’d send them oh twice a week maybe. he also was able to email quite a bit, and call me once every week or so. the time difference stunk, one of us had to be up in the wee hours if we could talk a few minutes on the phone, but it was worth it. I would worry NON STOP about him, and then there would be a news story that scared the tar out of me, I would fret till I heard from him again.

it’s hard, I won’t lie, but so worth it to stick it out. for both of you. trust each other, that’s the biggest thing. have a few girlfriends you can hang out wiith too, to keep you busy or to talk to about things. it’s true, abscence makes the heart grow fonder. your love just has to find new ways to show if you can’t see him every day or so. ours got deeper. it’ll work out. :o


#9

Staying busy is really the best way to go. My husband was at sea for about a year the second year into our marriage. I was lucky to have my whole family in town for support and we a baby by then, but I still had time on my hands. I started college classes, voluntered at church and went on a diet to loose 20lbs; if you are currently employed,even better. I would keep going out on the town to a minimum, too much potential for trouble. Lucky you to have email and webcams; I had to wait weeks for a letter and months for a middle of the night phone call from some unknow time zone! The time will go by pretty fast, you do have a wedding to plan.


#10

Thank you all for your support!! I do have a few other friends that are military wives/ girlfriends… my best friends husband will be deployed during the same time my fiance is, so… we will have eachother at least.

And yes, we went out yesterday and bought webcams (early Christmas presents!). He is going to a very tiny base, but is going to look into everything as soon as he can.


#11

I didn’t even think we would be able to do the classes apart from eachother! Thanks! We will have to look into that.

It must be so hard with him gone… you and your family are in my prayers!


#12

You are both in my prayers. Whether it’s a first deployment or more it is never easy. Keep busy; I know the wives have a network of friends and information through phone trees and such. Perhaps that is somewhere you can find support. I am a Mom with two son’s. Both were deployed in the first Gulf conflict. My oldest finally retired from the Navy; but got a job with a defense contractor and is now in the region as a civilian. It’s not that I worry so much because I trust in God that he will watch after him no matter what. God Bless your fiancé for his service; and all our service men in the region this Christmas.


#13

My husband was deployed six months after our marriage. Here are a few things that kept me from going crazy:

We spent as much time with each other as we could before the deployment. We tried not to get carried away in the bustle of preparing for his departure. After he was gone, I at least didn’t have any regrets about our last weeks together.

I love scrapbooking, so I made a scrapbook of our wedding pictures. When I finished it, I found some old pictures and scrapbooked them too.

We went on a little vacation after he came home, so I spent lots of time planning for it. I imagine that planning for your wedding will be similar.

My mother-in-law visited at least once a week and took me out to lunch. It helped to be around the one other person in the world who missed him as much as I did.

I withdrew from social situations for a while, but I started to spend more time with family towards the end of the deployment. My new nephew was a blessing! I also joined a church group. I do have to admit that people annoyed me a little while he was gone. Every day for six months, someone asked how he was doing and when he was coming home. No one asked how I was doing. Having friends among military wives is a good idea.

I left the lights on when I slept at night.

I spent hours in Adoration and went to many weekday Masses.


#14

Just the men Elizabeth?


#15

[quote="joandarc2008, post:14, topic:180181"]
Just the men Elizabeth?

[/quote]

Thank you so much for bringing this oversight to my attention. I apologize.


#16

No problem I just wanted ot point it out as the women are so easily forgotten.


closed #17

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.