How to begin. I had a dominant father who chose everything in my sister's and my name. Which school we will go, what career we should follow. I am an IT specialist now (my father's dream). I hate it, especially that I am usually the only girl in every job. Sometimes i feel sick in the morning when i go to work. Sometimes i feel a horrible fear. Since i hate what I'm doing the others are better then me and sometimes it shows. I am good in what i am doing but i do not excel.
Also my father used to mock us, make fun of us all the time. That we are good for nothing, we are not able to do anything. All my ideas and opinions were mocked and i was told they were stupid.
He had a little song before my exams in the university that he chose. He told me that after i will fail the exam (i never failed one) he arranged for me to work in the market place. He was coming home and shouting the rest of the day "To the market place" while he was rubbing his palms. I was crying every night before falling asleep and sometimes i had suicidal thoughts.
He treated and still treats my mother like a servant. bring me, give me,go here, do that. He doesn't help her at all. And it is getting worse every year. This year when they were visiting us she was tying up his shoelaces. He sits in the bed and commands what he wants.
He has the impression that he is the smartest and he had to choose everything for us because we were the small stupid children. Even in restaurant he chose what we ate and if one of us wanted something different he was constantly saying "pffui, bleah, what a ****, how can you eat something like that" until it was staying in your through.
For years i had mixed feeling for him: hate and love. I deeply hated him for what he did. On the other hand, i love him. He is my father, he didn great sacrifices to give us food and clothes and keep us in school. Even what he did wrong it was not intentionally. he really belived he was pushing us to be better when he was mocking us.
I tried many times to tell him what he did to us but he doesn't understand us. He even has the impression that he gave us all the freedom in the world.
I already confessed my hatred to my father. Now i don't hate him anymore. I realized that hatred only hurts me and that i can't stop loving him. He is my father and i would do anything for him. Faith was a very big comfort to me. Faith made me stop hating. When i felt hating i prayed.
However i have a problem getting over. I have a very low self confidence and i hate my job. I am a very happy woman in rest. I am happily married, i have friends, i enjoy every moment of life, except the job. I am scared all the time. I am scared to get called from customer because i feel all the time that i am too stupid to respond to their questions. I know the correct answer but I'm scared of telling it because I'm afraid i will be laughed, mocked. I never say my opinion in work because I'm afraid it is stupid. Then i am sad and i pray that next time i will have the courage to talk.
I spoke this with my husband and he understands me perfectly. He understood immediately what kind of person is my father. He tells me to have courage because he is with me and it is nowhere written that this is what i will do all my life. I spoke even with the priest after confession and he also told me not to be sad and pray because who knows what will happen tomorrow and my life will change.
However i still feel lost and i don't know what to do. Prayer helps and faith helps but i am still constantly scared. I feel that if God and my husband would not be here i would fall in depression. How do you get over this? Will my prayers be answered?