How do you get over and forget?


#1

How to begin. I had a dominant father who chose everything in my sister's and my name. Which school we will go, what career we should follow. I am an IT specialist now (my father's dream). I hate it, especially that I am usually the only girl in every job. Sometimes i feel sick in the morning when i go to work. Sometimes i feel a horrible fear. Since i hate what I'm doing the others are better then me and sometimes it shows. I am good in what i am doing but i do not excel.
Also my father used to mock us, make fun of us all the time. That we are good for nothing, we are not able to do anything. All my ideas and opinions were mocked and i was told they were stupid.
He had a little song before my exams in the university that he chose. He told me that after i will fail the exam (i never failed one) he arranged for me to work in the market place. He was coming home and shouting the rest of the day "To the market place" while he was rubbing his palms. I was crying every night before falling asleep and sometimes i had suicidal thoughts.
He treated and still treats my mother like a servant. bring me, give me,go here, do that. He doesn't help her at all. And it is getting worse every year. This year when they were visiting us she was tying up his shoelaces. He sits in the bed and commands what he wants.
He has the impression that he is the smartest and he had to choose everything for us because we were the small stupid children. Even in restaurant he chose what we ate and if one of us wanted something different he was constantly saying "pffui, bleah, what a ****, how can you eat something like that" until it was staying in your through.
For years i had mixed feeling for him: hate and love. I deeply hated him for what he did. On the other hand, i love him. He is my father, he didn great sacrifices to give us food and clothes and keep us in school. Even what he did wrong it was not intentionally. he really belived he was pushing us to be better when he was mocking us.

I tried many times to tell him what he did to us but he doesn't understand us. He even has the impression that he gave us all the freedom in the world.

I already confessed my hatred to my father. Now i don't hate him anymore. I realized that hatred only hurts me and that i can't stop loving him. He is my father and i would do anything for him. Faith was a very big comfort to me. Faith made me stop hating. When i felt hating i prayed.

However i have a problem getting over. I have a very low self confidence and i hate my job. I am a very happy woman in rest. I am happily married, i have friends, i enjoy every moment of life, except the job. I am scared all the time. I am scared to get called from customer because i feel all the time that i am too stupid to respond to their questions. I know the correct answer but I'm scared of telling it because I'm afraid i will be laughed, mocked. I never say my opinion in work because I'm afraid it is stupid. Then i am sad and i pray that next time i will have the courage to talk.

I spoke this with my husband and he understands me perfectly. He understood immediately what kind of person is my father. He tells me to have courage because he is with me and it is nowhere written that this is what i will do all my life. I spoke even with the priest after confession and he also told me not to be sad and pray because who knows what will happen tomorrow and my life will change.

However i still feel lost and i don't know what to do. Prayer helps and faith helps but i am still constantly scared. I feel that if God and my husband would not be here i would fall in depression. How do you get over this? Will my prayers be answered?


#2

I can somewhat relate to you though my dad was not that bad. He did call me stupid and tell me I wouldn’t amount to anything though (he was wrong:))
And you know what? Your dad was wrong to. You are a happily married woman with children who mean more to you than any mean things your father ever said. I think the best advice I can give you is to keep praying and never lose your faith. Also, break the cycle with your kids. Every time you praise them and say loving words to them, think of it as a small “victory” over the hurt your father caused you. It may still hurt for a long long time, but I think this is the best way to "get over it."
My prayers are with you.


#3

You showed the best of judgement when you chose your husband.
That shows how very capable and instinctively clever and wise you are!

You are not the emotional abuse you suffered through childhood and even when you visit your parents. Your father is the crippled one and your mother also is crippled by her submitting to his abuse, thereby compounding his sense of entitlement. I guess neither of them can really help it. Praying kindly for your parents is really your function now, along with being kind without allowing your head on the chopping block.

But you are a new flower in this toxic field of unhealthy co-dependency.

You are an amazing woman.


#4

You will never forget, so do not let that be an obstacle to forgiving - which is the process to "get over" the strained relationship with your father. What I have found that works for me, is to pray for the person who has severly hurt you. Pray that GOD will bless them and bring good things into their lives. And pray that part of the blessing from GOD is the knowledge of their sins that they may confess and be received into heaven.
Every day - every Mass ; make a prayer and an offering for them.

It will not be quick - it will not be easy, but if you persever then over time, you will "get over".

And as a sidebar, you might be able to speed it up by taking control over your work and investigating "what type of work excites you and makes you happy" and make a change.


#5

[quote="cristyd, post:1, topic:220051"]
How to begin. I had a dominant father who chose everything in my sister's and my name. Which school we will go, what career we should follow. I am an IT specialist now (my father's dream). I hate it, especially that I am usually the only girl in every job. Sometimes i feel sick in the morning when i go to work. Sometimes i feel a horrible fear. Since i hate what I'm doing the others are better then me and sometimes it shows. I am good in what i am doing but i do not excel.
Also my father used to mock us, make fun of us all the time. That we are good for nothing, we are not able to do anything. All my ideas and opinions were mocked and i was told they were stupid.
He had a little song before my exams in the university that he chose. He told me that after i will fail the exam (i never failed one) he arranged for me to work in the market place. He was coming home and shouting the rest of the day "To the market place" while he was rubbing his palms. I was crying every night before falling asleep and sometimes i had suicidal thoughts.
He treated and still treats my mother like a servant. bring me, give me,go here, do that. He doesn't help her at all. And it is getting worse every year. This year when they were visiting us she was tying up his shoelaces. He sits in the bed and commands what he wants.
He has the impression that he is the smartest and he had to choose everything for us because we were the small stupid children. Even in restaurant he chose what we ate and if one of us wanted something different he was constantly saying "pffui, bleah, what a ****, how can you eat something like that" until it was staying in your through.
For years i had mixed feeling for him: hate and love. I deeply hated him for what he did. On the other hand, i love him. He is my father, he didn great sacrifices to give us food and clothes and keep us in school. Even what he did wrong it was not intentionally. he really belived he was pushing us to be better when he was mocking us.

I tried many times to tell him what he did to us but he doesn't understand us. He even has the impression that he gave us all the freedom in the world.

I already confessed my hatred to my father. Now i don't hate him anymore. I realized that hatred only hurts me and that i can't stop loving him. He is my father and i would do anything for him. Faith was a very big comfort to me. Faith made me stop hating. When i felt hating i prayed.

However i have a problem getting over. I have a very low self confidence and i hate my job. I am a very happy woman in rest. I am happily married, i have friends, i enjoy every moment of life, except the job. I am scared all the time. I am scared to get called from customer because i feel all the time that i am too stupid to respond to their questions. I know the correct answer but I'm scared of telling it because I'm afraid i will be laughed, mocked. I never say my opinion in work because I'm afraid it is stupid. Then i am sad and i pray that next time i will have the courage to talk.

I spoke this with my husband and he understands me perfectly. He understood immediately what kind of person is my father. He tells me to have courage because he is with me and it is nowhere written that this is what i will do all my life. I spoke even with the priest after confession and he also told me not to be sad and pray because who knows what will happen tomorrow and my life will change.

However i still feel lost and i don't know what to do. Prayer helps and faith helps but i am still constantly scared. I feel that if God and my husband would not be here i would fall in depression. How do you get over this? Will my prayers be answered?

[/quote]

Aw, I am so, so sorry. I feel your pain in your words....and I can relate somewhat, different reasons (if I wasn't ignored by the family I lived with, I was spoken at or about to others and told I was useless, stupid, and wouldn't be able to function in society).

Sad how you internalize all kinds of mess after hearing it constantly for so many years...

Know what I think? I think your father, like my foster parents, were projecting the fear that THEY were useless, helpless-and accusing you of being what he feared HIMSELF to be. How sad for him..and you.
(and how sad for my foster parents as well)....

Why?
I think this. The fear that they will be found out to be useless and helpless phonies was so great, they had to project this onto someone else.....and there you were. Mind, I really don't think this is done consciously. I don't think the person(s) doing this are even aware of the what and why. They may not even realize they are doing wrong. Kinda sad, really...very sad, in fact...

I feel the same way at work. Killer is, I love my job, but I am just waiting for someone to come up to me and say "WHAT? YOU? A respiratory therapist? YOU are just TOO dumb, I'm not paying attention to YOU!!"....that's why, when I start a new job, I am SO TERRIFIED that people will think I'm a idiot...once I get my bearings, work for a while, and get to know my co-workers, things get easier....but, yeah. I am ALWAYS waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and tell me that I really do NOT know what I am doing, and I just need to pack up and go home.
I was even worse in the military, liked to have driven the drill instructors crazy...low self esteem is brutal, just horrible...

Your husband seems very loving and supportive, and that is a blessing. Listen to him. Listen to the family that has only kind words for you. You are loved, you are intelligent, and you ARE worthy.

As to your profession? Perhaps you can use your computer skills in-well, another TYPE of job, same skill set, different environment? Have you worked in biomed, for example? Is that something you could do? Could you work at home, be a independent contractor for a computer firm? Just a thought...


#6

I can relate because I grew up with similar emotional abuse and my big resentment right now is I am not nearly where I could be career wise because I have a LOT more potential.

My prayers are with you (as I hope yours are with me ;))


#7

Thank you for the replies. I didn't realize how many other people went through the same experiences.

phoenixrrt62 i really relate to you and understand you perfectly. Low self esteem is brutal and horrible...especially when you know deep inside that you shouldn't. But after years and years of "you are not good" you start to believe it.
Children are helpless and influential. If your parents don't trust you then who does?
I hope to break the cycle with my children. I don't have yet but i hope to have soon.

Also i would have like my parents to teach me things about life, boys, make-up, religion etc. For them if the subject was not related to school it was a waist of time. I had to find out about these things from my friends or internet. Even the religion and faith. I learned about God on internet, from friends and priests.

Trishie you always have a nice answer for me. Thank you so much.


#8

cristyd,
your true Father has, since the beginning of forever, planned for you. He planned to create you because He would love you eternally. He made you in HIs Image and Likeness. you belong to Him. He has no stupid, useless children. Only children made in His Image.

and like HIM, each of His children have free will. some use their free will to mistreat and subjugate others. some use their free will to love.


#9

Dear CristyD

Out of curiosity, what is your cultural background? I can tell you aren’t a native speaker of English. I ask b/c the advice i am about ready to give you maybe a completely foreign concept.

My advice is to take a ‘break’ from your parents for about 6 months. Meaning, no phone calls, no contact, no nothing. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love him, this doesn’t mean that you are ungrateful.

Your father, and your servile mother, are toxic to you. They upset you. If this were ANYBODY else, would you tolerate their prescence and the way they make you feel? Probably not. I am not saying cut out your parents, all i’m saying is to give YOURSELF a break from them in order to get your thoughts straight.

I had a similar issue when I was 20-i saw a psychologist, and he suggested that i do the same thing. I did, and it changed my relationship with my parents for the better. They became less intrusive and more respectful-in essence, they realized that i was an ADULT and their prescence in my life was at my discretion.

Continue to pray for your parents.


#10

I've been told to forgive is not to forget.

Prayers for you.


#11

[quote="cristyd, post:1, topic:220051"]
How to begin. I had a dominant father who chose everything in my sister's and my name. Which school we will go, what career we should follow. I am an IT specialist now (my father's dream). I hate it, especially that I am usually the only girl in every job. Sometimes i feel sick in the morning when i go to work. Sometimes i feel a horrible fear. Since i hate what I'm doing the others are better then me and sometimes it shows. I am good in what i am doing but i do not excel.
Also my father used to mock us, make fun of us all the time. That we are good for nothing, we are not able to do anything. All my ideas and opinions were mocked and i was told they were stupid.
He had a little song before my exams in the university that he chose. He told me that after i will fail the exam (i never failed one) he arranged for me to work in the market place. He was coming home and shouting the rest of the day "To the market place" while he was rubbing his palms. I was crying every night before falling asleep and sometimes i had suicidal thoughts.
He treated and still treats my mother like a servant. bring me, give me,go here, do that. He doesn't help her at all. And it is getting worse every year. This year when they were visiting us she was tying up his shoelaces. He sits in the bed and commands what he wants.
He has the impression that he is the smartest and he had to choose everything for us because we were the small stupid children. Even in restaurant he chose what we ate and if one of us wanted something different he was constantly saying "pffui, bleah, what a ****, how can you eat something like that" until it was staying in your through.
For years i had mixed feeling for him: hate and love. I deeply hated him for what he did. On the other hand, i love him. He is my father, he didn great sacrifices to give us food and clothes and keep us in school. Even what he did wrong it was not intentionally. he really belived he was pushing us to be better when he was mocking us.

I tried many times to tell him what he did to us but he doesn't understand us. He even has the impression that he gave us all the freedom in the world.

I already confessed my hatred to my father. Now i don't hate him anymore. I realized that hatred only hurts me and that i can't stop loving him. He is my father and i would do anything for him. Faith was a very big comfort to me. Faith made me stop hating. When i felt hating i prayed.

However i have a problem getting over. I have a very low self confidence and i hate my job. I am a very happy woman in rest. I am happily married, i have friends, i enjoy every moment of life, except the job. I am scared all the time. I am scared to get called from customer because i feel all the time that i am too stupid to respond to their questions. I know the correct answer but I'm scared of telling it because I'm afraid i will be laughed, mocked. I never say my opinion in work because I'm afraid it is stupid. Then i am sad and i pray that next time i will have the courage to talk.

I spoke this with my husband and he understands me perfectly. He understood immediately what kind of person is my father. He tells me to have courage because he is with me and it is nowhere written that this is what i will do all my life. I spoke even with the priest after confession and he also told me not to be sad and pray because who knows what will happen tomorrow and my life will change.

However i still feel lost and i don't know what to do. Prayer helps and faith helps but i am still constantly scared. I feel that if God and my husband would not be here i would fall in depression. How do you get over this? Will my prayers be answered?

[/quote]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I also had a similar experience regarding career choice. My dad wanted me to be in the IT and engineering field and when I started working I actually realized that it is a prfession mostly dominated by men. I then prayed for a better job and later on, GOd gave me this blessing being a Computer teacher. So yeah, right now I am teaching IT to kids and it is a profession dominated by women. I'm happy with it.. :o)


#12

Yes, it is true. I already forgave him. I’m just trying to forget or get over this. Thank you all for the replies.


#13

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